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animal sex

  1. Happy Invertebrate Valentine’s Day, Here are Some Cuttlefish CuttleBoning!

    More like sexalopods, amIright, science?

    This video is great for many reasons, but mainly because the way cuttlefish canoodle is so. Dang. Weird.

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  2. Chemical Pollution Might Be Weakening Polar Bear Penises

    Thanks a lot, HUMANS.

    That's not a euphemism, by the way—I'm not saying that the chemicals are affecting the virility of the polar bear population (though they probably are). I'm saying that some scientists in Denmark think that pollutants have been literally causing polar bear dongles to lose their bone density over time. For real.

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  3. According to Scientists, Sex Was Invented In Scotland

    Ooch aye.

    Not by Scotsmen, sadly—it was prehistoric fish. But a girl can dream.

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  4. Update: Sex Geckos on Russian Space Satellite All Reported Dead

    This isn't very sexy at all.

    If you, like us, have been gleefully following the story of the fornicating gecko-filled satellite that briefly lost contact with Earth a few months ago, then we've got bad news for you: According to Roskosmos space agency, all the geckos on the satellite have gone to that big lizard orgy in the sky.

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  5. Live Broadcast of Panda Birth Cancelled: Turns Out The Panda Wasn’t Really Pregnant

    I think I saw a Maury episode like this once.

    Real talk: you want to know why pandas are so severely endangered? Sure, poachers and other humans encroaching on their habitats is the primary factor, but it's also partially because pandas are literally the worst at getting pregnant.

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  6. John Oliver Celebrates Humanity’s Triumph Over Sexy Lizards With #WeGotThoseGeckos

    Today, we are canceling the apocalypse!

    Here is John Oliver with the definitive update on humanity's recapture of the randy reptile receptacle.

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  7. Russia’s Sexy Space Geckos Memorialized Forever In Fantastic Poster

    Teeny-tiny Gecko voices: "You can't take the skies from us!"

    Last week we brought to your attention the most important thing to happen to journalism since Johannes Gutenberg cobbled together the printing press: Russia sent a quintet of geckos into space to study the effects of zero-gravity on lizard boinking (ooooh yeah), the reptilian Romeos mutinied (that's the story I'm going with) and satellite Foton-M4 and its copulating cargo went rogue.

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  8. Real-Life Headline Alert: Russia Has Lost Control Of a Sex Satellite Filled With Geckos

    Don't go getting any bright ideas, astronauts.

    Last Saturday Russia's Institute of Medico-Biological Problems launched a Foton-M4 satellite filled with five geckos into orbit so that the people of earth would know how reptile booty is impacted by zero-gravity. Unfortunately, the cold-blooded casanovas had a different plan: due to a technical glitch (or possible mutiny) the orbiting orgy has gone rogue.

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  9. Female Florida Manatee Rescued From Sexhaustion After Six-Hour Mating Session

    I'll have what she's having.

    While I don't like the connotations that the phrase "walk of shame" has (shouldn't it be march of fist-pumping triumph instead?), a female manatee now has the walk of shame story to put all others to, well, shame after an extreme sex-hangover left her stranded on a beach in Florida last week. We get it, Ms.Manatee, you're hot shit, okay?

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  10. Horny Frogs Stop at Nothing to Get It On, Use Storm Drains to Make Booty Calls

    Frogs are always in the gutter and they like it there.

    The relentless march of urban sprawl has ruined a lot of things, but not frog sex! A recent study reveals that tree frogs are using man-made structures to become more irresistible to potential mates than ever before...so, hey, if humanity destroys everything else, at least we'll have an unprecedented number of frogs!

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  11. Bushcrickets Have Some Of The Kinkiest Sex In The Insect Kingdom

    So you can bust that line out at the next party you hit up.

    Are you finding your sex life lacking? Need to spice it up in the bedroom? Then look no further for inspiration than the bushcricket, whose sex life is so weird and so freaky that it puts most NC-17 fanfic to shame.

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  12. Kill Time In The SDCC Waiting Room By Watching Two Tortoises Bang [VIDEO]

    Why can't I stop laughing at the noises?

    We know you're probably stuck in the San Diego Comic-Con badge registration waiting room with the rest of us. Sure, you could do something productive with your time, but that sounds awful. Instead, why not watch (and listen, the noises are gold) to this NSFW-ish video of two tortoises having sex?

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  13. Female Frogs Tricked by Scientists Into Responding to Fake Mating Calls From Robots

    We're certain this proves some very, very important things about evolution and so forth. We're just not at all sure what any of those things are.

    Science is great for a lot of things -- curing diseases, creating new sources of heat and energy, what have you. However, science is also responsible for a lot of accidents that weird us out more than anything else. Case in point: consider the Túngara frog, who can typically be found croaking away in Central America. Scientists from the University of Texas discovered a way to fool the female of the Túngara frog species into responding to bogus mating calls that shouldn't even be possible, all using a robot imposter frog to do it. What's next, a cyborg-frog hybrid species? Man was not meant to toy with nature thus!

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  14. Make It Count, Dude: Spider Species Dies After Having Sex

    Male dark fishing spiders have just one roll in the hay in them. After mating, the arachnids immediately curl up and die.

    I know the human dating game can seem rough at times, but the fact of the matter is, we have it pretty good. Don't believe me? Consider if you will the sorry state of Dolomedes tenebrosus, the dark fishing spider. A recent study of the spiders, common around the American midwest, found that males of the species get a grand total of one shot at breeding -- immediately after copulation, their work on this Earth done, the creatures promptly curl up and die.

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  15. How the Chicken Lost Its Penis

    A Current Biology study published this week explains how evolution left most bird species penis-free.

    Researchers have long wondered why evolution robbed many bird species -- like the chicken -- of a piece of anatomy considered pretty key in most of the breeding we're familiar with -- the penis. A new study of a wide range of birds has revealed a key gene that stymies penis growth in males and suggests a few reasons that nixing the penis could be evolutionarily advantageous for the animals, though it does make calling a male rooster a cock among the crueler jokes in the history of time.

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  16. Aww, They Think They’re People: Male Bats Perform Oral Sex on Females

    Earlier today, we brought you news of a sea lion that dances along to Backstreet Boys. This evening brings more news of animals partaking in an activity once thought to be the sole dominion of enlightened animals like us humans: Oral sex. Analysis of a colony of flying foxes in India found that males of the species perform oral sex on females. Yup, you read that right.

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  17. Male Guppies Hang With Their Ugliest Friends to Improve Their Own Chances of Getting Some

    With Valentine's Day around the corner, plenty of us are getting our annual harsh reminder that finding love can be really, really hard. We might like to say it's not so, but the fact is, whether you're a guppy or a human, looks count for a lot in the dating game. Like most things, though, looks are all relative -- the worse looking the crowd we find ourselves in, the better looking we seem to be. According to a study published this week in the Proceedings of the Royal Academy of Science B, guppies  looking for love long ago perfected the mating tactic of surrounding themselves with specimens less attractive than they are, a tried and true human trait on display in bars across the world every weekend.

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  18. Not How That Works! Man Tries to Impregnate Horse, Create Centaur in Worst Possible Way

    29-year-old Texas man Andrew Mendoza was arrested for having sex with his neighbor's horse after being stood up by his girlfriend. To make the story even worse, Mendoza told police he was trying to "make the horse have a baby," because he thought it would have a "horse-man baby." That, Mr. Mendoza, is not how you get a centaur.

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  19. Unrepentant Florida Donkey Diddler Accepts Plea Deal, Will Continue To Fight For His Right To Donkey Sex

    Last week, we brought you the latest developments in the case of Carlos Romero, a Florida farmhand allegedly caught in a sexually compromising position with a miniature donkey named Doodle. It would appear that the judge in the case, Steven Rogers, did not grant the argument made by Romero's lawyers that laws on the books in Florida prohibiting sexual contact with animals violated the U.S. Constitution, a fact which is to Florida's credit. Today, we bring you news that should bring some kind of merciful closure to this sordid affair -- but probably won't -- as Romero has accepted a plea bargain.

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  20. Objection! Lawyers For Man Accused Of Donkey Sex Say Anti-Donkey Sex Laws Are Unconstitutional

    Today in "Yeah, well, it's Florida, what are you gonna do?" news, the latest developments from the long, strange case of Carlos Romero, a Florida man accused of sex acts involving a miniature donkey named Doodle. In a legal maneuver that we pray came as a surprise to the court, Romero's lawyers have filed a motion to have the Florida law that criminalizes sexual behavior with an animal struck down on the basis that it violates the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution. Yup, you read that right.

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