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  1. Update: Sex Geckos on Russian Space Satellite All Reported Dead

    This isn't very sexy at all.

    If you, like us, have been gleefully following the story of the fornicating gecko-filled satellite that briefly lost contact with Earth a few months ago, then we've got bad news for you: According to Roskosmos space agency, all the geckos on the satellite have gone to that big lizard orgy in the sky.

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  2. Live Broadcast of Panda Birth Cancelled: Turns Out The Panda Wasn’t Really Pregnant

    I think I saw a Maury episode like this once.

    Real talk: you want to know why pandas are so severely endangered? Sure, poachers and other humans encroaching on their habitats is the primary factor, but it's also partially because pandas are literally the worst at getting pregnant.

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  3. John Oliver Celebrates Humanity’s Triumph Over Sexy Lizards With #WeGotThoseGeckos

    Today, we are canceling the apocalypse!

    Here is John Oliver with the definitive update on humanity's recapture of the randy reptile receptacle.

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  4. Russia’s Sexy Space Geckos Memorialized Forever In Fantastic Poster

    Teeny-tiny Gecko voices: "You can't take the skies from us!"

    Last week we brought to your attention the most important thing to happen to journalism since Johannes Gutenberg cobbled together the printing press: Russia sent a quintet of geckos into space to study the effects of zero-gravity on lizard boinking (ooooh yeah), the reptilian Romeos mutinied (that's the story I'm going with) and satellite Foton-M4 and its copulating cargo went rogue.

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  5. Real-Life Headline Alert: Russia Has Lost Control Of a Sex Satellite Filled With Geckos

    Don't go getting any bright ideas, astronauts.

    Last Saturday Russia's Institute of Medico-Biological Problems launched a Foton-M4 satellite filled with five geckos into orbit so that the people of earth would know how reptile booty is impacted by zero-gravity. Unfortunately, the cold-blooded casanovas had a different plan: due to a technical glitch (or possible mutiny) the orbiting orgy has gone rogue.

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  6. Female Florida Manatee Rescued From Sexhaustion After Six-Hour Mating Session

    I'll have what she's having.

    While I don't like the connotations that the phrase "walk of shame" has (shouldn't it be march of fist-pumping triumph instead?), a female manatee now has the walk of shame story to put all others to, well, shame after an extreme sex-hangover left her stranded on a beach in Florida last week. We get it, Ms.Manatee, you're hot shit, okay?

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  7. Horny Frogs Stop at Nothing to Get It On, Use Storm Drains to Make Booty Calls

    Frogs are always in the gutter and they like it there.

    The relentless march of urban sprawl has ruined a lot of things, but not frog sex! A recent study reveals that tree frogs are using man-made structures to become more irresistible to potential mates than ever before...so, hey, if humanity destroys everything else, at least we'll have an unprecedented number of frogs!

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  8. Bushcrickets Have Some Of The Kinkiest Sex In The Insect Kingdom

    So you can bust that line out at the next party you hit up.

    Are you finding your sex life lacking? Need to spice it up in the bedroom? Then look no further for inspiration than the bushcricket, whose sex life is so weird and so freaky that it puts most NC-17 fanfic to shame.

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  9. Kill Time In The SDCC Waiting Room By Watching Two Tortoises Bang [VIDEO]

    Why can't I stop laughing at the noises?

    We know you're probably stuck in the San Diego Comic-Con badge registration waiting room with the rest of us. Sure, you could do something productive with your time, but that sounds awful. Instead, why not watch (and listen, the noises are gold) to this NSFW-ish video of two tortoises having sex?

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  10. Female Frogs Tricked by Scientists Into Responding to Fake Mating Calls From Robots

    We're certain this proves some very, very important things about evolution and so forth. We're just not at all sure what any of those things are.

    Science is great for a lot of things -- curing diseases, creating new sources of heat and energy, what have you. However, science is also responsible for a lot of accidents that weird us out more than anything else. Case in point: consider the Túngara frog, who can typically be found croaking away in Central America. Scientists from the University of Texas discovered a way to fool the female of the Túngara frog species into responding to bogus mating calls that shouldn't even be possible, all using a robot imposter frog to do it. What's next, a cyborg-frog hybrid species? Man was not meant to toy with nature thus!

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