Researchers Find Erect Daddy Longlegs Penis Preserved in Amber for the First Time Ever
"This poor animal."
According to an announcement made in The Science of Nature last week, researchers in Burma have uncovered the 99-million-year-old fossilized remains of a "harvestman" (an order of arachnids distinguishable from spiders by several physiological differences), also known as a daddy longlegs. But its legs weren't all that was long about the specimen.
Read MoreChemical Pollution Might Be Weakening Polar Bear Penises
Thanks a lot, HUMANS.
That's not a euphemism, by the way—I'm not saying that the chemicals are affecting the virility of the polar bear population (though they probably are). I'm saying that some scientists in Denmark think that pollutants have been literally causing polar bear dongles to lose their bone density over time. For real.
Read MoreScience Says Lizard Penises Evolve at an Astounding Rate, Are Essentially Pokémon
Highly-evolved genitalia is a good way to tell if someone's a lizard person. That, and if they unzip themselves out of their meat suit.
In a study published last week in the Journal of Zoology, scientists have confirmed for the first time that Caribbean lizard dongs rise to the evolutionary occasion faster than any other lizard body part.
Read MoreThings We Saw Today: Hasbro’s Replacement Play-Doh Penis Toy
Thing that can't be unseen.
After receiving numerous complaints regarding the questionably-shaped 'Extruder' toy included in Hasbro's new Cake Mountain Set, the company has replaced the phallic device with this new, larger model.
Read MoreAn Update: Play-Doh Is Redesigning The “Extruder” Toy That Looks Like a Penis
Goodnight, sweet penis prince.
Get your accidental penises while you can, folks. According to the official Play-Doh Facebook page—which, you'll no doubt remember, is currently full of complaints from people about how the icing extruder on their latest Cake Mountain playset looks like a penis—they've heard the various complaints and will update their toys in the future.
Read MorePenis-Shaped Play-Doh Toy Ruins Christmas for Uptight People Everywhere
Since when is penis-making not Play-Doh 101?
Play-doh had the hard job of doing some damage control on Facebook after what I can only assume was a cock-up in the design phase resulted in a plastic accessory looking less like the Cake Mountain icing maker it was supposed to be and more like a dil-doh.
Read MoreBaby Born From A Transplanted Womb For First Time; Lab-Grown Penises May Soon Be Tested On Humans
Nothing's more cuterus than a new uterus!
Well done, science! In a development which has surprised even noted obstetricians, a 36-year-old Swedish woman has become the first ever person to give birth to a baby carried in a transplanted womb. The patient received the uterus from a 61-year-old who had already borne two children and gone through menopause.
Read MoreMental Floss Video Examines 20 Commonly-Held Misconceptions About Sex
I did not know that about corn flakes.
Mental Floss wants to clear a couple of things up about human anatomy and the purpose of one ubiquitous breakfast cereal.
Read MoreEnter to Win a A Limited Edition Collector’s “Package” of Penis Museum Documentary The Final Member
Competition will be stiff.
Here's the firm truth: The Final Member is a documentary about penises. Or, well, the world's only penis museum. Even if you're not into weird science (or, for that matter, penises), it's still an excellent, surprisingly heartfelt film about identity, legacy, and obsession. And we're giving away a copy of the "Collector's 'Package,'" out today on DVD and Blu-ray from Drafthouse Films.
Read MoreTech Perverts, Your Dreams Have Come True: You Can Now Design And 3D Print Your Own Dildo
Don't look scandalized. You're on the Internet.
Gone are the days when everyone would sew their own clothes, build their own houses, or, in this case, whittle their own sex toys from wood they chopped down themselves. But if you're looking for just the perfectly tailored fake penis to pleasure yourself with, then take heart! You don't have to go to Etsy for that shit anymore.
Read MoreWhile Filming Nude Wolverine Scene, Hugh Jackman Almost Lost His Little Cyclops
Snikt
A Guy Saved His Pet Tortoise With a Crowdfunded Penis Amputation
What do you think the backer rewards are on something like that? Never mind. I don't want to know.
A crowdfunded penis amputation might sound like the result of some kind of post-apocalyptic torture voting system, but for Cedric the tortoise, it is his ticket to a long, healthy life. You see, Cedric suffers from a giant penis, and his human owner had no choice but to turn to the Internet to save his dear, too-well-endowed friend's life.
Read MoreScientists Discover Female Insects With “Inflatable,” Spiny Penis
Aren't most penises inflatable, technically? You know what? Probably better just not to think about it.
In the animal kingdom, gender is decided along different rules from just who has what kind of situation going on in their pants, and science has found the first animal that has a penis on the female members of the species instead of the males. The female penis also does a lot more in the way of function than ones you might be more familiar with.
Read MoreDocumentary About World’s Only Penis Museum Is Reportedly a Tearjerker
Better bring tissues to this sausage fest, pal.
Much has been made of the Iceland Phallological Museum's search for a human penis to complete its collection--and now there's a documentary coming (ahem) to theaters this April that chronicles the museum's quest for one last endowment.
Read MoreSo Here’s An Interesting Thing About NASA Spacesuits And Penis Sleeve Sizes
You're already an astronaut. No one cares how big it is. You already win.
Everyone knows the male ego is fragile, especially when it comes to the size of their Cyclops. You know, their Sonic Screwdriver. Earthworm Jim. Whatever you call it, this rule applies to all guys; especially, apparently, to NASA astronauts, who were so concerned about the size of their Bilbo Bagginses that their own spacesuits suffered.
Read MoreMan Draws 365 Dick Doodles for His Wife
Now I know what love is.
"In February 2013, my wife bought a white board. I told her I was going to draw penises on it every day." Thus begins this masterpiece of a video from the aptly titled Youtube user 365DaysofPenises, who kept his promise and uploaded the NSFW yet sweet results to the internet so we may all know what beauty his love has wrought.
Read MoreThe Oscar Statue Gets a Bit More Anatomically Correct in This Sketch From Above Average
Count how many times they say "penis."
Did you know the Oscar statue had a penis until the 1950s? Okay, that's not actually true, but it's the premise for this sketch from Above Average. In it, SNL's Tim Robinson plays a sculptor who is finally restoring the Oscar statue to its full, penis-having splendor... because of reasons?
Read MoreRelax, Everyone, Female Sea Snails Are No Longer Growing Penises Due to Harmful Chemicals. Situation Normal
Sure, chemical companies. It's all fun and games until someone grows a penis.
Feel free to go about your normal lives again, everybody. Toxic chemicals are no longer causing female sea snails to grow penises, so you can rest easy tonight. If your reaction to that is, "Wait, at some point female sea snails were growing penises? What?" Congratulations, the Internet has not dulled your ability to find things surprising.
Read MoreIs There a Llama Penis in This Children’s Corn Maze?
This isn't even the weirdest Halloween attraction in Pennsylvania right now.
Pennsylvania is stepping up its game when it comes to weird Halloween attractions this year. First there was the naked Haunted House, now someone cut a llama penis into the path of a children's corn maze at Wilcox Farms in Boyertown, PA. Was it just an unfortunate design? Take a look at a photo of the maze after the jump and decide for yourself.
Read MoreGuppy Genitals Have Claws, So… Yeah… Genital Claws
Do you like fish sticks?
The world of guppy genitals has been called an "arms race" which sounds horrifying enough without the knowledge that male guppies have claws at the end of their genitals, but as it turns out they do. A new study looked at exactly what purpose the genital claws serve, and as you might imagine, it's a rather unpleasant one.
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