The Mary Sue


Russia Wants to Test ICBMs Against a Near-Earth Asteroid in 2035

It'll be like the best fireworks show in the world.

Russia wants to save the world.

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Check Out Pussy Riot’s Latest Eff Ewe to Russian Government – “Chaika”

Pussy Riot has a long history of criticizing government corruption, homophobia, and racism, both in their native Russia and here in the US. Today, they released a new video for their song "Chaika," which calls attention to Russia’s Prosecutor General Yuri Chaika, who has been accused of working in collusion with gangs. Check it out after the cut!

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Google Translate Doesn’t Call Russia “Mordor.” Anymore.

One does not simply translate "Russia."

We all know (I hope) that Google translate isn't perfect, but sometimes, the online translating tool seems more aware than it's letting on. In the past, its ability to learn from the web hasn't always turned out positive results, but while calling Russia "Mordor" is technically a mistake, it's also some pretty hilarious editorializing.

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Donald Trump on Putin’s Murder of Dissenting Journalists: “At Least He’s a Leader”

You know how sometimes, if someone compliments you, you then feel compelled to defend them from criticism, because any attacks on their character might make that compliment invalid or reflect badly on you by association? That happened to me all the time in high school, and I'm not proud of it. But at least I wasn't running for President of the United States.

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Women Start All-Female Moon Mission Test, Are Warned by Lead Male Scientist Not to Catfight in the Kitchen

Earlier today six Russian women boarded a mock spacecraft for eight straight days of experiments designed to show how an all-female crew would fare on a mission to the Moon.

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Things We Saw Today: Japan Celebrates The Force Awakens With Sand Castles

The sculptures feature C-3PO, R2-D2, and our favorite little rolling ball droid: BB-8. Just look at the detail!

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Cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova Reveals Former USSR Wasn’t That Keen On Sending Women Into Space

It seems that, despite making a big deal about sending the first woman into space, the former USSR wasn't nearly as keen on the idea as they made themselves out to be.

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Cut Video’s “100 Years of Beauty” Series Explore the Fashions of Russia

Cut Video's fantastic hair and makeup series explores Russia's history with the help of model Anya Zaytseva. For more of "100 Years of Beauty," check out Cut Video's look at the fashions of Mexico, North and South Korea, India, and the Philippines.

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This Is Some Mad Scientist S@!#t: Russian Man to Undergo First Human Head/Body Transplant

I've often wondered if I'd ever want to have my consciousness uploaded into a machine cylon-style when my body inevitably starts deteriorating, but I've never thought about getting another actual human body. For Valery Spiridinov of Russia, that situation is very real, and he recently reached out to an Italian doctor (or "mad scientist," depending on whom you ask), Sergio Canavero, to undergo the world's first human head/body transplant.

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Russia Will Officially Pull out of the ISS and Take Their Parts With Them

Well that escalated quickly.

They've threatened it before, but the Russian Federal Space Agency has officially announced that they'll pull out of the International Space Station in 2024—and they'll be taking their sections of the station with them.

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Space Cowboys Packing Heat: Russian Astronauts Bring Their Guns

Dakka dakka dakka!

There are a lot of dangers in space. Comets, asteroids, aliens, bears. That's why Russian astronauts bring their guns.

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Why Did Russia Only Send Female Dogs to Space?

It's all about pee.

*Insert Bitch Planet joke here.*

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Step Aside “Man’s Best Friend,” This Russian Cat Just Saved a Baby With Cuddles

What have YOU done lately?

Folks, meet Masha.

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Sorry, ISS. Russian Space Agency Considering Creating Its Own Space Station Again

Probably with a Little Rascals-esque "No U.S. Allowed" sign on the door.

Russian officials have been talking about leaving everyone at the ISS hanging for a while, but now the head of Roscosmos, the Russian Federal Space Agency, has confirmed they're considering their own new space station as a possibility.

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Eye of Sauron Installation in Russia Halted Because the World Is Joyless and/or Orthodox Church Criticism

♪ We could've had it aaaaaaaaaaaaaall ♪

I may be only a moderate Lord of the Rings/Tolkien fan, but I am a massive "Eye of Sauron hovering ominously over Moscow" fan. The Orthodox Church of Russia doesn't quite see... eye to eye with me on that one, and they're ruining it for everyone.

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Update: Sex Geckos on Russian Space Satellite All Reported Dead

This isn't very sexy at all.

If you, like us, have been gleefully following the story of the fornicating gecko-filled satellite that briefly lost contact with Earth a few months ago, then we've got bad news for you: According to Roskosmos space agency, all the geckos on the satellite have gone to that big lizard orgy in the sky.

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If You Sign a Mortgage in Russia, This Bank Will Lend You a Cat

Now with zero purrcent interest!

Russia is currently facing a mortgage market boom, and banks in the region are doing whatever they can to capitalize on the increased interest (pun not intended) in home ownership. One way to do it? Let people borrow a cat to play with in their new apartment or house. Seems like a pretty dumb reason to buy a house, Russ—oh no ahh, they're so cute! Never mind, I'm on board.

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John Oliver Celebrates Humanity’s Triumph Over Sexy Lizards With #WeGotThoseGeckos

Today, we are canceling the apocalypse!

Here is John Oliver with the definitive update on humanity's recapture of the randy reptile receptacle.

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Russia’s Sexy Space Geckos Memorialized Forever In Fantastic Poster

Teeny-tiny Gecko voices: "You can't take the skies from us!"

Last week we brought to your attention the most important thing to happen to journalism since Johannes Gutenberg cobbled together the printing press: Russia sent a quintet of geckos into space to study the effects of zero-gravity on lizard boinking (ooooh yeah), the reptilian Romeos mutinied (that's the story I'm going with) and satellite Foton-M4 and its copulating cargo went rogue.

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Real-Life Headline Alert: Russia Has Lost Control Of a Sex Satellite Filled With Geckos

Don't go getting any bright ideas, astronauts.

Last Saturday Russia's Institute of Medico-Biological Problems launched a Foton-M4 satellite filled with five geckos into orbit so that the people of earth would know how reptile booty is impacted by zero-gravity. Unfortunately, the cold-blooded casanovas had a different plan: due to a technical glitch (or possible mutiny) the orbiting orgy has gone rogue.

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