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Let’s Speculate Wildly About Our Superheroes’ Favorite Thanksgiving Dishes, Bub!

wolverine-t-day

Thanksgiving is all about gratefulness, cooperation, and stuffing your maw with delicious, delicious foods. In the spirit of teamwork and good eats, then, let’s speculate together about what foods our favorite fictional super-powered folks might include on their table. Here’s a bordering-on-Thanksgiving-fanfic debate between fellow TMSer Jessica Lachenal and me as to what would whet the palates of Wolverine, Poison Ivy, Rorschach, and goodness knows who else. Enjoy! And feel free to debate our decisions in the comments.

There are no wrong answers. Only delicious ones.

wolverine-turkey-leg(image via Imgur)

Maddy Myers: Wolverine spent Kurt’s birthday eating a massive turkey leg, so I assume that is also how he spends thanksgiving, and every Renaissance Faire.

Jessica Lachenal: If Wolverine ever made it to Disneyland…

Maddy: Therefore I declare Wolverine’s preferred dish to be “the turkey leg,” which is a simple answer but an undoubtedly true one.

Jessica: That isn’t too obvious? A part of me wants to come out of left field and be like “green bean casserole.” Also, isn’t he Canadian?

Maddy: Oh crud, you’re right. He is Canadian. But there’s a Canadian Thanksgiving, it’s just on a different day – which I assume Logan would grumblingly remind everyone about while also celebrating American Thanksgiving.

Jessica: Hahaha. *grumblegrumle* you know, guys… *grumble grumble* You’re right, though, he’d still totally chow down on a turkey leg.

Maddy: I feel like Wolverine has to be consuming a lot of protein, in general, regardless of what holiday is happening.

Jessica: Right, he’s keeping an eye on his macros. All that protein doesn’t eat itself, now.

Maddy: Do you think Cyclops has the ability to cook food with his eyes? I feel like I should know the answer to this question already, but I don’t.

Jessica: Apparently his optic blasts are force, not heat.

Maddy: Right, I’m thinking of Superman. And Supergirl! They can heat up food with their eyes.

Jessica: Good ol’ all-American Superman has to have a traditional-as-hell Thanksgiving, right?

Maddy: The whole family gathers ‘round the Krypton … uh … Great Hall, or whatever, and heats up their turkey together? Or more likely, Supergirl and Superman go to the Fortress of Solitude and do that.

Jessica: Just the two of them for Thanksgiving? That seems so… sad.

Maddy: Well, maybe they also invite the holograms of their parents? You can’t get into an argument about politics with a memory, so that’s gotta be a relief on some level.

Jessica: Haha, right. no having to explain why the skirt you’re super-heroing around in is so short! “When I was your age, we superheroed in sensible ankle length skirts. we were matronly, but we were dignified.”

Maddy: Superman’s favorite dish would have to be some sort of down-home Midwest recipe, because that’s where he grew up on Earth …

Jessica: Okay, that’s totally a hot dish. Or casserole. He’s all about that green bean and fried crispy onion life.

Maddy: Smallville is supposed to be in Kansas, right? So maybe corn or green bean casserole. Superman likes his veggies.

Jessica: Again, watching those macros.

Maddy: I feel like Supergirl would be more into having fun and would pick a dessert. But maybe that’s me playing into gender stereotypes???

Jessica: Oh God, I had the same thought. Nah, Supergirl is all about that comfort food. Mashed potatoes! With like, hella gravy.

Maddy: Yes!

Jessica: So, curve ball: Beast Boy! He’s vegan.

Maddy: Oh, heck yeah. Get that boy a Tofurkey.

Jessica: Is Tofurducken a thing?

Maddy: He might be into those weird Tofurkey rolls where it’s a cylinder of stuffing and mashed potatoes. I feel like Beast Boy would enjoy the presentation of that.

Jessica: Whaaat. I’m imagining a Thanksgiving egg roll (which I totally have to make now)?

tofurkey(image via Don the Apron)

Maddy: Tofurkey rolls are … an experience.

Jessica: Oh my stars and garters.

Maddy: That actually isn’t necessarily the dish I had in mind — I might be imagining a product that doesn’t exist. I was picturing tofu in the middle, then a layer of stuffing, and then potatoes? That might be a made-up dish, and I’ve decided Beast Boy is going to invent it. And Starfire is going to be fascinated by it.

Jessica: She’d try it, but I highly doubt she’d like it. But still. Fascinating.

Maddy: What would Starfire eat? She might bring in some sort of alien dish. Which is very much within the spirit of all things Thanksgiving.

Jessica: She’d bring in the closest approximation to a turkey from her planet. It’d look like it, but it sure won’t taste like one.

Maddy: Haha! Maybe Robin would be into pies?

Jessica: Oooh, yeah.

Maddy: Apple pie, I think. I’m trying to think of a dish that he might have been able to have while on the road in the circus as a kid. Pumpkin pie is pretty complicated, but you can find an apple pie most anywhere in America, even on the road.

Jessica: Aww. I’m picturing him staring at an apple pie cooling on a windowsill. And the nice baker gives him a piece!

Maddy: This is all definitely reminding me how many superheroes have “tragic childhood; parents gone/MIA; home also nonexistent” as part of their backstory. I feel like a lot of people pick their fav thanksgiving foods based on what they grew up eating, as well as regional preferences, but a lot of superheroes don’t necessarily have those sorts of ties.

Jessica: Right?? Big question about Robin and pies though: a la mode or no a la mode?

Maddy: Oh, wow. I feel like he would want the ice cream, and whipped cream, but he’d settle for just the pie if need be. But definitely heated up in the microwave for a sec first. Don’t ask me why. It just seems like what he’d do!!

Jessica: Hahaha, no, no – totally, that’s so what he’d do.

Maddy: Robin is resourceful and has access to microwaves.

Jessica: It has to be just right. Too hot or too cold, he’s sad. He’s like the Goldilocks of pie.

Maddy: Haha. What about Batman, the grumpy elephant in the room?

Jessica: Oh, man. Justice. He’d want justice.

Maddy: I can’t even imagine Batman celebrating Thanksgiving, to be honest.

Jessica: He’d be out patrolling.

Maddy: Like … would Alfred be there? Would Bruce ask Alfred to make him something?

Jessica: Maybe. I think Alfred would do it anyway, whether he asked or not.

Maddy: I’m literally Googling “Thanksgiving crime statistics” right now because I feel like that’s what Batman would do in order to make his decision. Except it’s Batman, so he would already know the statistical probabilities of various holiday-related crimes, e.g. drunk driving, and the likelihood that they would occur.

Jessica: Then when Alfred realizes Bruce isn’t there, he just makes him a nice turkey sandwich and leaves it in the passenger seat of the Batmobile.

Maddy: Oh my god, a turkey sandwich. That’s it. That’s perfect. Bruce would eat one of those turkey sandwiches on cranberry bread with some stuffing, prepared by hand, by Alfred.

Jessica: Yesss.

Maddy: Kept warm on the Batmobile’s dashboard. And he would eat it alone with his police scanner, and he would brood — but also secretly, deep down, he’d be thankful for Alfred. And maybe he’d sent Alfred a “thanks” text. Which Alfred would treasure.

Jessica: Ahh, that’s too precious. Alfred would take a screenshot, save it away.

Maddy: Meanwhile Alfred is British and is probably eating a scone or something. But a pumpkin scone, because he cares about getting into the spirit of things.

Jessica: Hahaha, right! A crumpet and some tea.

Maddy: I feel like Alfred probably throws himself a lot of lonely food parties. Or maybe that’s just what I would do if I were Alfred. Would Wonder Woman go home to Themyscira for Thanksgiving? It’s not like they’d be familiar with the tradition, but she would be, so she might want to do it.

Jessica: Right. Maybe she brings some of the traditions back.

Maddy: I also feel like Thanksgiving is something Wonder Woman would be into as a concept.

Jessica: Yeah, totally. Some kind of family meal – now, those feasts would totally be all protein. Three different types of chicken, duck, a turkey, a ham …

Maddy: But also they probably have their own native dishes on the island, right? So, uh … pig with an apple in its mouth? Is that a thing anyone ever actually ate, in Ancient Greece or otherwise?

Jessica: Yeah, totally. In fact i had that last thanksgiving!

Maddy: Since the island is obviously based on Ancient Greece, I think it’s fair to say they’d have similar foods and that Diana would gravitate towards those same foods when celebrating. And apparently that did include pigs and boars:

Sacrifice_boar_Louvre_G112(image via Wikipedia)

Jessica: Perfect! Backin’ this up with facts. Also, a make your own gyro station.

Maddy: YES.

Jessica: I feel like we’d be remiss if we didn’t pick a villain or two …

Maddy: Good point! This isn’t a suggestion, really, but I like the mental image of Magneto and Prof. X eating Thanksgiving together.

Jessica: Aww. Magneto in his plastic box, perhaps?

Maddy: Magneto would demand to cut the turkey, and he’d obviously do it without using his hands. Or if Magneto were in his plastic prison, he’d be watching Xavier slowly cut the turkey and rolling his eyes, backseat-driving the entire thing and saying how much faster he could do it if he had the chance.

Jessica: Oh god, now i’m picturing that Rockwell painting, except with all the X-men and villains on either side of the table.

rockwell(image via Seattle Met)

Maddy: Hmmm … other villains?

Jessica: I mean, there’s the obvious Joker.

Maddy: That just makes me sad, though, because then my mental image is Harley preparing an elaborate meal and the Joker being annoyed that it’s even happening.

Jessica: This might be too morbid, but he’d probably kidnap a family and tie them to chairs while eating dinner.

Maddy: The Joker has NO IDEA how to celebrate a holiday without ruining it for everyone else.

Jessica: He’s like the sports nut at the table who eats fast then runs to the living room to watch football. Except instead of watching football, it’s watching someone getting slowly gassed with Joker venom. “But Haaarrrleeeeyeeyyy, I’m gonna miss the gassing!”

Maddy: “Eat your peas, puh-lease, Mistah J!” Actually, he would probably be into stuffing, because there are a lot of pun opportunities available with that word – most of which are incredibly gruesome.

Jessica: Haha, right!

Maddy: I’d rather skip ahead to the timeline when Harley and Poison Ivy are making Thanksgiving dinner together …

Jessica: YES.

Maddy: And Harley is sharing stories about how the Joker didn’t appreciate ANY of her cooking. Poison Ivy would be a vegetarian, too, though, right? But she’d happily eat a whipped cream pie. Or several, to make Harley happy.

Jessica: Yeah. I don’t know that she’s full on vegan. I mean, she’s an environmentalist, but also she can talk to plants, so wouldn’t that be kind of weird? To be eating them.

Maddy: Yeah … but she has to eat something.

Jessica: True. She’s all about the nice salads, then. Like, her vinaigrette is to die for.

Maddy: Yeah. And she probably only eats the leaves that are about to fall off, and has a huge garden of edible plants. Fruits are okay to eat, too, because they’re designed to fall as well.

Jessica: Yeah, right! She’d be all about that pie life, too.

Maddy: Maybe Harley would make her a cherry pie “as a joke,” but also it isn’t a joke. Because, uh, lesbians. That’s not necessarily Thanksgiving-y, though … there aren’t enough Sapphic dishes at the Thanksgiving table.

Jessica: Hahaha. Nah, she’d do it anyway as a joke. It’d weird out anyone else they’d invite. And they’d giggle conspiratorially as people questioned the cherry pie.

Maddy: Haha, and they probably WOULD invite other people.

Jessica: Bane!

Maddy: And Catwoman, who’d be frying up some tuna filets, I think. I’m not sure she’d be into the turkey.

Jessica: Yeah, totally. Or tuna casserole?

Maddy: Who would want cranberry sauce, though? Does anyone like cranberry sauce? I assume only a villain would like cranberry sauce. Because I don’t like it.

Jessica: Nope. Cranberry sauce is universally disliked by the entire pantheon of heroes. This is the one thing heroes and villains all share. Aside from tragic backstories.

Maddy: Hahaha. Maybe Rorschach likes it. Just to prove his own rugged individualism. But secretly he also hates it.

cranberry-sauce(image via Flickr)

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Maddy Myers, journalist and arts critic, has written for the Boston Phoenix, Paste Magazine, MIT Technology Review, and tons more. She is a host on a videogame podcast called Isometric (relay.fm/isometric), and she plays the keytar in a band called the Robot Knights (robotknights.com).

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