BOY.
I crave more adventure. I grow tired of waiting. I wish to embark on a new quest. I wish to do great deeds worthy of Hozier’s songs. After completing my business in Midgard, I have attempted to take up gardening. It is not for me. I know not how to make a rose grow without threatening it. How shall I ever make a flower fear me enough to bloom? It is an impossible labor, not even one that Hercules could complete. Especially now … since … I killed him …
I shall embark on a new quest in order to find the answer I seek. I shall navigate the most dangerous realm of all: the internet.
After an exhaustive search, this is what I have found…
I learned many things on the internet. I heard tales of the unremarkable deeds of Glup Shitto. I journeyed to the lands of Tumblr and treated with the many Sexymen who live there. I even learned the dark truth of Rule 34 … would that I could tear out my eyes like Oedipus.
Yet I saw nothing about a new God of War. No signs of a prophecy fortelling a new release. Not even the most Supreme Gods, the True Creators who reside in the hallowed halls of Santa Monica Studios, have uttered a word. How could this be? I am to understand that the tale of God of War: Ragnarok was what the merchants call a “financial success”. Surely the gods shall yoke a new quest upon my shoulders? It would be fiscally irresponsible not to. And yet, all is silent in the internet’s vaulted halls.
Except I did uncover one thing …
I have seen a sort of tapestry known as “concept art“. It tells the tale of an alternate world where Atreus and I instead found ourselves in the lands of the Pharaohs. I speak, of course, of Ancient Egypt. According to the divine scriptures of the world wide web, the Creator Gods at Santa Monica Studios originally intended to begin our quest in Egypt, yet somehow we were summoned to the Norse lands instead. I cannot comprehend the reason why; the minds of the gods are unknowable. I should know, I am one. Yet the more I search, the more questions I find.
And so I have written my own prophecy …
I believe that the Creator Gods at Santa Monica Studios are weary from their labors in creating the world of the Norse, and are currently resting. All gods must rest. Even the omnipotent Yahweh was said to have rested after spending six days shaping the world. But I am certain that they shall rise again, and they shall bring about a new era of adventure where I shall finally set my sights on the Egyptian lands. Either that … or it will be a “spin-off” story about my son Atreus and his adventures as a Jotun.
If the latter is the case, I shall return to my rose garden … begrudgingly.
(featured image: Sony Interactive Entertainment)
