I had a bad weekend. I lost most of my Valorant matches and couldn’t land a single win in competitive Overwatch 2 across several days. It didn’t matter how well I played; I just couldn’t push the needle in my team’s direction, and I went to bed last night feeling thoroughly and objectively tilted.
“Someone get me the yandere audio,” I told my five-stack on Discord.
Last month, I discovered a viral TikTok by @yoklvn where a Valorant player has his head in his hands, mourning the sheer number of losses he has onscreen. It’s a real lot, to be clear: seven bad games, back to back. Assuming he hasn’t surrendered a match ahead of time, and that the average Valorant match is anywhere from 30 to 40 minutes, that’s easily a full evening’s worth of L’s.
In the TikTok, an unseen camera person peeks into the player’s room and records him as he listens to an “ASMR RP” YouTube video with a lovestruck anime girl on it, titled “You’re Such a Good Boy for Me.” The viewer can listen to the audio blasting through the PC’s speakers, where a woman says in a sing-song voice, “Aw, you poor thing. Come here. Let me cuddle you. Shhh, there there.”
“Bro is going through it …” the caption on the video reads. Check it out for yourself below.
A quick dig around the internet uncovered the source of the roleplay video: “Your Yandere Girlfriend Comforts You To Sleep” from Tashi.mp3, a popular ASMR audio performer. The video is full of some lovely gems perfect for coping after bottom fragging, such as “you know I’ll always take care of you, I could never allow anything less” and “I’d climb mountains or march through the desert, I’d steal or lie for you.” Yes, she’s really leaning in to the yandere girl archetype here, but in a cute way: lovesick to a fault, but not necessarily hurting anyone, just obsessively doe-eyed.
I’m also in love with Tashi.mp3’s other videos, like “Can I Be Your Discord Kitten?”, where she comforts an underperforming listener after carrying their team. “You’re an amazing person,” she says, “and that’s why I love you!” Discord Mommies and Daddies, rise up, Tashi.mp3 is here for you when you’ve deranked.
Which is what I need right now, by the way. Because I’m pretty sure I’m about to derank in Overwatch, and I’m still pissed off that I lost my final match in Valorant because I died during a 2v1 in overtime. Hand me all the sweet, affirming audio recordings you can find. I need a Discord kitten to carry me to sleep.
(featured image: Blizzard Entertainment)
