The question, “When are you having kids?” might seem harmless or even lighthearted to some, but for others, it’s an emotional minefield. A recent Reddit post sheds light on the hidden pain this question can cause, making a compelling case for why it’s time to let it go for good.
Painful reminder
The post comes from a 28-year-old newlywed who was bombarded with the question, particularly by acquaintances and coworkers. At first, our OP (original poster) handled it with grace and humor, offering polite deflections like, “Well, we should probably go on our honeymoon first.” But as she and her spouse began trying to conceive, the question became harder to dodge, and more painful to hear.
Unfortunately, the unthinkable happened—they lost their first pregnancy. The grief was overwhelming. She had to call out of work at 3 a.m. on the way to the emergency room, leaving her colleagues aware something serious had occurred. But just two weeks later, she was asked, twice in one day, when she planned to have a baby.
It was too much, and she broke. Her response? “Maybe when I stop grieving the one I just lost.” It was raw, honest, and deeply personal. And finally, it made the questions stop.
Why are we still asking this?
It’s upsetting that “When are you having kids?” is still such a common question. On the surface, it might seem harmless, small talk meant to show interest in someone’s life. But beneath that surface lies an avalanche of assumptions, like that everyone wants kids, can have kids, or is ready to talk about their family planning with whoever asks.
In reality, it isn’t anyone’s business. People could be facing infertility, financial struggles, health issues, or personal grief. They might not even want children, and that’s valid too.
When we ask this question, we’re forcing people into an uncomfortable position where they either have to overshare deeply personal details or politely lie to avoid awkwardness. Neither feels good. As one user commented on OP’s post, “People often don’t realize how loaded that question is. I hope you know how strong you are.”
The hidden emotional weight
For the Reddit poster, this question was a trigger that turned a private pain into a public confrontation. She’s not alone; issues involving having children are very common. For people who’ve experienced miscarriages, fertility struggles, or complications, this question feels like a spotlight on their most vulnerable moments.
Even for those who haven’t experienced loss, the societal pressure to have children can feel crushing. Being constantly reminded that you’re “supposed” to want kids, or that your timeline doesn’t match up with someone else’s expectations, is exhausting.
Rethink the conversation
What can we say instead? Honestly, almost anything else. Try asking about someone’s hobbies, work, or their latest Netflix binge. “What’s been exciting in your life lately?” is a great alternative that leaves room for them to share what they want to share. Ask me what my favorite TV show from 2024 was and I’ll happily talk to you for hours about season 4 of From.
This Reddit post is a reminder that words matter. Questions that might seem harmless to us can carry emotional baggage for someone else. It’s time to stop treating family planning as a casual conversation starter and start respecting people’s boundaries and their worth, with or without children. At the end of the day, nobody owes anyone an explanation for their life choices, and everyone has value, just as they are.
Published: Jan 24, 2025 08:57 am