The Gaetz of Hell have opened once more.
If you forgot who Matt Gaetz is, allow me to refresh your memory. He’s the Millennial Republican U.S. Congressman from Florida who was hosting parties for high school students while being under investigation for allegedly sex trafficking a minor. He’s the dude who spends his free time body-shaming teen activists while decrying abortion rights. He’s the dude that we all want to see go to prison, and yet continues to escape justice by the skin of his teeth. Although most of the skin on his body is on his forehead. Which in his case is a fivehead, or even a sixhead. He really shouldn’t be body-shaming anyone. You could stand him up on the side of the highway and advertise used cars with that thing. It’s just that big.
So big, in fact, that it’s the perfect target for throwing things at.
So people did…
A woman named Selena Chambers was inspired to throw a glass of wine at Matt Gaetz during an event in Miramar Beach, Florida. According to witnesses at the scene, Chambers cussed him out and then struck him in the shoulder with what was likely some mid-shelf Merlot. She was arrested and charged with battery and felony assault against a public official, and was released on $1000 bail. Worth it.
Her defense attorney Matthew Karp said that Gaetz was not innocent in the matter, and that the congressman started a verbal battle with a group of women at the event. (It is, of course, entirely believable that arguing with female strangers at parties is this guy’s idea of a good time.) “This investigation has initially shown Rep. Gaetz to have been both an aggressor and agitator, and we look forward to taking his deposition,” said Karp to the Associated Press. “My client, Selena Chambers, maintains her innocence in this matter, and we intend to vigorously defend against the allegations of Rep. Gaetz.”
In case you were wondering, Chambers was not the first woman to throw a drink in Gaetz’s face (and probably won’t be the last). In 2019, a woman was sentenced to 15 days in federal custody for throwing a cup full of sports drink at Gaetz. She was part of a group of protestors who were demonstrating outside of a town hall meeting at a restaurant in Pensacola. When Gaetz left the restaurant, he was struck in the back with the cup. If he had been facing the other direction, his forehead would likely have absorbed the full force of the blow and then swallowed up the cup entirely.
(featured image: Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images)
