Texas Man Breaks into House, Bites Woman, Claims to Be 500 Year Old Vampire
Don't Try This At Home
ATTENTION, WORLD: No matter what True Blood, Twilight, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer have taught you, it is not exactly acceptable to sneak into someone’s house and bite them on the neck with the intent of feeding off of them. In fact, if you have not received their express consent, a situation like this may be considered downright rude. Even, you know, assault. Which is why a guy who did just that is in jail today, insisting that he is just a very hungry, 500-year-old vampire. (But apparently not the kind that can’t enter without being invited.)
The man, one Lyle Monroe Bensley, 19, of Galveston, Texas, told police–who found him in a woman’s apartment after sneaking in and biting her–that he was just trying to feed. He is now being held on a count of burglary with intent to commit assault.
Bensley made growling and hissing noises while biting and hitting the woman in her bed, Heyse said. Bensley then dragged her out of the apartment and she broke free.
She ran into the parking lot where she got into a car driven by a neighbor. Bensley beat on the car before it sped away, Heyse said.
Once he was captured, Bensley begged police to restrain him because he didn’t want to kill them, and saying things like “I’m a vampire, and I’ve been alive for over 500 years.”
Oh, misguided vampire man, no. You’re worse than those guys who failed so miserably to rob a pizza shop while wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles mask, because we’re pretty sure those guys never actually thought they were Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and used it as an excuse for assault.
But, dude, even if somehow you are a vampire (you aren’t), you’re really not helping yourself any by coming out the coffin in this manner. Except maybe with your insanity plea.