I’m more excited about this than Angel Crowley.
Seriously, I just NEED to know who co-conspirator #6 is! I threw all of my furniture out the window and have transformed the walls of room into one giant corkboard with pictures of suspects connected by miles and miles of yarn. I’m so close to cracking this one that I can almost TASTE it. And it tastes… bad. It tastes like what I imagine it would have tasted like if I had licked the side of Rudy Giuliani’s face while he was melting. Still, I must know. I need to know. I HAVE TO KNOW.
Speaking of Giuliani, I know that he is Co-Conspirator #1, and so does every other major news outlet and journalist with two brain cells to rub together. If you missed it, the latest Trump indictment comes with a list of six “co-conspirators.” They aren’t named (they’re also not indicted—yet) but it’s pretty obvious who most of them are.
CNN dropped a list naming the first five. We’ve got a GOP Rogue’s Gallery on our hands, with Rudy Giuliani, Trump lawyer John Eastman, former Trump lawyer Sidney Powell (a.k.a. “The Kraken”), former Justice Department official Jeffrey Clark, and pro-Trump lawyer Kenneth Chesebro. If you wanna know how they know, read the damn CNN article. I don’t care. I want to know what CCN doesn’t know, the identity of Co-Conspirator #6, who is a mystery wrapped in an enigma deep fried in intrigue and double dipped in a VERY secret sauce. But I have my suspicions…. oh yes… I have my suspicions…
But who could it be? Allow me to introduce you to my SUSPECT LIST.
Suspect #1: The My Pillow Guy
It’s the perfect crime! Who would suspect a pillow maker? Even if that pillow maker has publicly and rather loudly voiced his support for the former Cheeto in Chief. Michael J. Lindell aka Mr. My Pillow would be the worthiest of candidates for Trump’s menagerie of horrible people. He’s a shady businessman wanted by the F.B.I. for more than just selling pillows that feel like bricks. He’s also an outspoken Trump supporter and avid conspiracy theorist. He’s SUCH an outspoken conspiracy theorist that he once bet $5 million dollars that no one could prove his election lies wrong. Someone did, and now he has to pay up in court. His buffoonery makes him the perfect fall guy in Trump’s plans. Let’s hope he put down some of his shitty pillows to catch himself.
Suspect #2: Kid Rock
Kid Rock has A LOT of time on his hands. The gracelessly aging butt-rock singer recently recorded himself taking an automatic weapon to a case of Bud Light that HE BOUGHT in order to protest the brand’s sponsorship of Dylan Mulvaney. If that doesn’t scream mid-life crisis then I don’t know what does. Kid Rock is probably bored out of his mind, and you know what they say, idle hands are the devil’s playthings. (The devil in this case is Trump.)
Suspect #3: The Pence Fly
Remember that fly that landed on Mike Pence’s head during his vice presidential debate with Kamala Harris? That little guy was a straight-up celebrity for like 48 hours. What if this fly was pulling the strings all along? What if the fly has been controlling Mike Pence Ratatouille-style all along? Some might say that Trump hired the fly, given their mutual love of bullshit, but I believe that this fly is working as a lone agent toward its own ends. Namely, the destruction of the human race. Fields or fresh corpses! A feast for Flytatouille!
Suspect #4 J.K. Rowling
J.K. Rowling has been outspoken in her criticism of The Don in the past, but what if that’s all just a cover-up? What if she’s actually in cahoots with DJT? And has been since the very beginning? Why would she be? Some might say that it’s because Donny Dump’s anti-trans stances align with her own TERFish ways, and she can use him like an Imperius-cursed thrall to further the cause of Wumbenkind. But I know better. I believe that She Who Must Not Be Named has decided her terrifying power by creating horcruxes of her own! She has split her soul into pieces and hidden those pieces where we least expect to find them? And where is the last place on Earth I would expect to find a piece of Rowling’s soul? Tucked into the lining of Donald Trump’s toupee.
Suspect #5 The Logitech Controller
Remember those billionaires that got imploded trying to go to the bottom of the ocean in a sub that was being piloted with a Logitech controller? What were they talking about before the Big Smush? MAYBE it was some GOP secrets. After all, the OceanGate CEO Stockton Rush has consistently donated to the Republican Party over the years, and perhaps he got to know some insider info about the party, if you know what I mean. Maybe he took those other billionaires down to the bottom of the sea so no one could overhear him spill the beans. But what he DIDN’T expect was that due to Russian hacking the Logictech controller gained sentience and decided to put a stop to Rush’s plan before the secret got out. What I mean to say is… that sub-implosion was an inside job.
Suspect #6 Donald Trump Himself
What if Donald Trump—due to the enormity of his lies—had to create a separate cloned/alternate reality self in order to keep track of them all? Or what if Russian Special Forces kidnapped him and Manchurian Candidated him to enter into a fugue state when given the code word “covfefe”? In his subconscious state, his normally doughy and geriatric body was given all the vigor of a ninja hopped up Four Loko BEFORE they changed the recipe. This allowed him to become the PERFECT covert GOP operative, allowing him to engage in Watergate-level subterfuge and political dirty tricks while maintaining absolute secrecy. After all, no one would suspect it!
Thank you all for your consideration of my very serious political theories. I need to run out for some more yarn now.
(featured image: FX)
