Alright so Studio Ghibli’s boys really had us in the first half. Sure not everyone on that list is “traditionally sexy” but we can’t ALL be traditionally sexy Karen. SOME of us have to resort to using alternative means of attracting mates like fine plumage or complicated mating dances or creating a nest of shiny objects like Swarvoski figurines plucked from the parlor rooms of middle-aged Manhattan socialites. But I digress. Not every Disney hero is sexy. In fact, many of them aren’t. Most of Disney’s men are … well … cute? Like yeah Hercules has a the body of a Greek god because he literal is one, but he doesn’t exactly seem like the type of guy who’s gonna throw you around the bedroom (even though he quite easily could). To be honest, I think Disney’s women are truly the characters that ooze sex appeal, and the boys are just trying their best to pick their jaws up off the floor and keep up. That being said, there are exceptions that prove the rule. And something tells me these exceptions can prove it all night long.
Beast
Beast fucks. You cannot tell me otherwise. And you can’t say that for other characters. Hercules might make love, but he doesn’t fuck. Milo Thatch could give you a scientific definition of what sex is theoretically, but something tells me he’s doesn’t have a lot of “hands on experience”. Tarzan is arguably one of the more fuckable dudes in the Disney canon, but I’m not sure Tarzan knows what sex actually is. And if he does, the gorilla noises that he would not doubt make would definitely be a turn off. But Beast? No, Beast 100% fucks. And something tells me he’s good at it. How do I know? Well, because he was an asshole once but isn’t anymore. Let me explain. Beast is not innocent. He did not begin wide, eyed and sweet and virginal. Something tells me that this dude was something of a fuck boy (not Gaston level ew) but a bit of a fuckboy all the same. And then he pissed off the wrong witch and got turned into a beast. Now caveat: being a fuckboy DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE GOOD AT SEX. Far from it. In fact, it’s usually the opposite. No, it just means that you know what sex is and have probably had it before. And for Disney men, that’s kind of a high bar. So Beast was definitely a fuckboy once, and then he met Belle. And because Belle is a sexy, self-respecting woman who isn’t going to take shit from a man, Beast did something really sexy to win her love. What did he do? He changed. He became kinder, gentler, and more patient. He learned to deal with his feelings without immediately resorting to anger and temper tantrums. He learned to communicate. He did something mature. He left his fuckboy days behind him to become a fuckman. And a fuckman is a kind, respectable, and grown up man who knows how to fuck. how do I know? Because when you’re a kind and generous person in the streets, you are a kind, generous person in the sheets as well. Something tells me that Beast is a regular Owen Gray in the bedroom (if you don’t know who that is, do yourself a favor and look him up) because is a kindhearted adult. In a tale as old as time, he is a fuckman for the ages.
Robin Hood
This man is a fox. Literally. He’s not a man. He’s an anthropomorphic sex fox that simply oozes charisma. And he never wears pants. First off, he’s sexy because he’s a free thinker. He’s hundreds of years ahead of his time. He’s a democratic socialist in the age of feudalism. He gets that the rich have too much and the poor have too little, and that the state should be in service of its people and not the other way around. This seems like a no brainer, but considering that the historical Prince John rose to power almost a thousand years ago, Robin Hood was a veritable Isaac Newton. A forward thinking genius. Being smart is sexy, we all know this. But you know what’s even sexier? Doing something with your intelligence. And Robin Hood does. He has a full time job fleecing rich assholes in order to give to their easy-earned gold to the poor and needy. Which brings us to the sexiest thing of all: kindness. Robin Hood is a selfless man. He could just keep all that gold for himself. He could just share it with his family or his friends in need and that’d be pretty noble. But no, he shares it with everybody. Friends and strangers alike. He is a man with a mission. A calling. And there is absolutely nothing sexier than that. He also so romantic. He takes Marian on the most swoon-worthy walk through the woods in the moonlight. Marian seemed pretty into it, she kinda eye fucks the shit out of him after all.
Genie
Okay hear me out. I SAID HEAR ME OUT. YES I’m aware that Genie is not exactly first one picked for the team in the contact sport known as sex, but I think that’s only because people aren’t thinking creatively. Think about it: Genie is prime sugar daddy material. He can give you anything. You want gold? Done. Gucci handbags? Yours. Red Bottoms? A closet full. Student loans? Gone. House? In the Hamptons. Yachts? 20 of them. Diamonds? Put your hand out cause it’s raining precious stones. I get it, some of you might not think that material wealth is sexy. But you know what is sexy? Material wealth when it’s spent on you. And Genie can give it all. Unlike Aladdin, who’d be broke without Genie, Genie can actually show you a Whole New World. And listen, Genie isn’t limited to just money, Genie can give you anything. And I’m sure a mind blowing orgasms are well within his power. But you know the other sexy thing about Genie? He’s funny. Really, he’s a riot. He’s not some boring old dude who wants a college educated youth to spoil so he can distract himself from his failing marriage. He’s single, free to roam, and knows how to have a good time. Aside from mountains of wealth, humor and laughter is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You really can’t go wrong.
General Li Shang
Alright so General Li Shang might take first prize in Disney’s “Most Eligible Bachelor” contest. I mean c’mon. He’s strong, he’s ambitious, he’s smart, he’s hard working, and he’s got an absolutely kickin’ bod. And you know, for a man living in Imperial China circa the 5th century, he’s pretty damn progressive (e.g. he doesn’t execute Mulan for treason when he finds out she’s a woman impersonating her father). Like … that’s a win? I think it’s a win. He also sings “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You”, one of the top five greatest Disney songs of all time. Literally just say the phrase “let’s get down to business” at a theater camp and you’ll have every kid there screaming “TO DEFEAT THE HUNS” before you can inhale. It’s just that catchy. We love a man with musical talent. He also respects Mulan both as a woman and as a warrior, and acknowledges that the two can be one in the same. Again, he’s a man from the 5th century. Pretty fucking progressive. We love our forward thinking feminists on this list. Also, I am certain this guy fucks. He has more BDE of all the other Disney men combined. He can get down to business for more reasons that defeating Huns, mark my words.
Jack Skellington
The man who is singlehandedly responsible for keeping every Hot Topic in the world in business, Jack Skellington has got it going on. Every alt/goth/emo kid in the world wants to jump this skeleton’s bones. He’s delightful, dapper, and darkly debonaire. His singing voice alone could charm the wrappings off a mummy. He’s also an adventurous type, and is always down to see knew sites and broaden his horizons. After all, it takes a pretty open minded person to think that Christmas is cool after only being exposed to the horrors of the night for all one’s life. And he’s so cute. I mean c’mon, he loves Christmas He just wants to spread joy and good cheer to the residents of Halloween town. It’s adorable, and like we’ve said before, selflessness is sexy as fuck. He’s also wildly romantic. If Sally’s undead heart could beat, I’m sure it would be skipping every ten seconds. See I don’t really know if Jack Skellington fucks per se, but I do know that he makes love. You can see it in his eyes, or well, eyeholes? He has more heart than every character on this list. And those men actually HAVE hearts. Jack’s bones may be cold, but I’m sure his love could keep you feeling warm and safe all night long. And you’re gonna need it, cause let’s be real, Halloweentown is a pretty bone chillingly freaky place. No offense, Jack.
(featured image: Disney)
