Studio Ghibli’s Hottest Bachelors, Ranked
Everything that there has to be said about Studio Ghibli has been said before. We could endlessly debate the best and worst films, or could get granular and discuss how Kiki’s delivery service is actually a metaphor for burnout. But we’re not gonna do that today. Why not? Because I’m bored. I’m horny. And I’m sick of your “blah blah blah but which anime is the best?” bullshit. Right now, I don’t care about artistic integrity. I don’t give a shit about boring cinema jargon like nuance or tone or allegory. You know what I want? Sex. And so do you. Don’t lie to me. It’s the reason we watch anime. It’s the reason we watch T.V. in general. It’s the reason why I write these articles and put food in my face and money in my bank account. Because I wanna get laid. You want me to write about Studio Ghilbi? Fine. But we’re gonna do it my way. We’re not talking about what makes these movies good, we’re talking about what (or more specifically who) is sexy. Yeah, they’re animated. They’re also hot as f***. So, get ready to feel warm and tingly, because these are the hottest Studio Ghilbi characters of all time.
Let’s face it, Ashitaka is a sex pot. He’s bold, he’s brave, he’s daring, and he does what he wants.
“Oh, my village doesn’t like me because I’m cursed? Well, fuck my village, me and my red elk pussy magnet are gonna travel the world and get everyone hot and bothered.”
And hot and bothered they are. Ashitaka gets to Irontown, and literally, every woman falls all over themselves to get a piece of that. AND I DON’T BLAME THEM. Who else can they lust over? Their dipshit never-left-town husbands? That little monk dude voiced by BIlly Bob Thorton? Lady Eboshi? They fucking wish. No, Ashitaka is like a piece of rib-eye steak to a person who has been eating nothing but salad with no dressing all their life. And he would be down for anything. Wanna know how I know? Because when Ashitaka gets injured and the wolf-girl, San, chews his food for him and feeds it to him with her mouth that dude gets so into it he starts crying. What do you like? He’ll LOVE it. You want to spit in his mouth and make him call you Queen of the Forest? He’d be fucking thrilled to. San better lock that shit down, quick, before any one of the freaky bitches from Irontown gets the idea first.
Come ON. LOOK at this man. He’s everyone’s androgynous wizard wet dream. Howl is one of those animated characters that, like Meg from Hercules or Chel from El Dorado, the creators knew exactly what they were doing to their audiences when they drew them. What’s that? Turn people, that’s what. And then some sex-crazed casting director made the panty-dropping decision to have him be voiced by Christian Bale? Fucking game over. Lights out. Clothes off. Give whoever made that decision a fucking raise because, by God, it WORKED. Howl is literally the perfect romance character. He’s powerful, confident, sexy as shit, loves our Mary Sue heroine because “reasons,” and he’s a moody supernatural creature. He’s like a fucking vampire/werewolf/fallen angel/demon on steroids. He is fan fiction GOLD. When he gets upset, he turns into a giant freaky bird thing with emo-colored feathers and the only thing that can calm him down is, guess what? You got it: the love our heroine. And you know what’s really sexy about Howl? He even loves Sophie when she’s old. Sure, any vampire would say “I’ll love you forever,” to whatever hot twenty-something they’re banging. But this dude actually means it. He’s gonna be into Sophie because he always was into Sophie. He’s beautiful outside and inside. But most importantly, he’s beautiful on the outside.
Alrighty gang, bear with me. We’ve used up two of our most eligible bachelors on this list, and it’s honestly kinda slim pickins for hot people from here on out. Mostly because Miyazki’s movies are usually about children. Booooooooo. But speaking of the noises ghosts make, there are definitely some hotties in Spirited Away. Lin is pretty sexy, honestly, but the person who has captured this particular author’s interest is the old dude named Kamaji who works in the boiler room. Seems kinda not cute now, but my friends, he wasn’t always old. However, he did always have six hands.
Are you seeing what I’m getting at here?
Young Kamaji must have been a sex god. He has three pairs of arms and he knows how to use them all simultaneously. He’s got 30 fingers—THINK of where he could put them. Got some kinks you’ve been meaning to try out? He could give you all of them at the same time. You and five of your friends want an unforgettable orgy? Kamaji is your man and he doesn’t have to leave anyone out of the pleasure, for even a moment. AND HE STILL HAS A DICK. And here’s the thing, we’ve never actually seen his dick (which seems rude, come on Studio Ghibli). For all we know he’s got two of them. THREE EVEN. The amount of sexual partners this man could have is nothing short of terrifying. But fuck other people, I want him all for myself.
“Oh I know what you’re saying, Jack, you just titled this next section ‘Porco Rossa’ because that’s the title of the movie, right? You don’t actually mean the character Porco Rossa right? You must mean Gina right? The sexy hotel manager? Or maybe Fio? The cute and spunky pilot? Okay fine, Curtis. He dresses well, at least. It’s him right? You can’t possibly be attracted to the man with a pig head right? RIGHT?”
I said what I said, bitches.
Everyone wants Porco Rosso, and there’s nothing sexier than the person who everyone else wants.
Fio wants Porco. Gina wants Porco. Curtis wants to BE Porco. Hell, all of ITALY wants Porco (arrested that is) but Porco cannot be owned by anyone. You know who Porco belongs to? The SKY. And that’s the other thing that makes Porco so sexy. You can’t own him. No one can. He’s his own man. Like Ashitaka, he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants to do it.
You know what else is sexy about Porco? He’s a fucking winner, and he isn’t a dick about it. Ace fighter pilot? Check. International man of mystery? Check. Champion bare-knuckle boxer? Check and mate. He gets challenged to a duel by Curtis at the end of the movie and wins. I want to go ten rounds with this guy next, if you know what I mean. After all, his head got changed into a pig’s, but he’s still got the body of a man.
Okay, this guy is scientifically the hottest guy in the Studio Ghilbli universe. He’s a literal ball of fire. But you know what? He’s also a sexy ball of fire. Why? Well, for one, he has full-time job putting the “moving” in Howl’s Moving Castle. Two: He’s warm, and would be great to cuddle with. Okay, I couldn’t technically cuddle with Calcifer because, again, he is made of literal fire. But I could cuddle up close to Calcifer and he’d keep me warm at night. That’s hot. Three: he’s funny. There’s nothing sexier than someone who can make me laugh, and Calcifer has a zinger for every occasion. Four: Calcifer comes from outer space. He was once a falling star. You don’t find that every day on Tinder. Five: Calcifer will eat anything. Howl feeds him coal, leftovers, and literal garbage and Calcifer gobbles that shit up with no complaints. I’m sure I could think of a few other things he could eat. I’d probably have to get Howl to cast some fireproofing spell on me, or at least a few choice body parts. But that wouldn’t be hard for him, right? He is a master wizard after all. Honestly, Sophie isn’t thinking creatively enough. If she was a little more like me, she could be getting with Calcifer and Howl at the same time. The ultimate throuple. Hell, I’d even get the scarecrow involved. He stands on a wooden peg. Maybe he could peg me.
Featured image credit: Studio Ghibli
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