Anime is chock full of superpowered badasses who will stop at nothing until they have accomplished their lofty shonen goals. They are earth-shattering warriors, team leaders, and selfless to a fault. They inspire other characters to do their best simply by existing, and more often than not convince villains to become anti-heroes, and anti-heroes to become good guys. They’re strong, brave, kind, and intelligent. In short, they are the best that the anime world has to offer.
These characters are not one of them.
Anime plots are kind of like group projects. There’s one person doing all the work, while everyone else sits around and watches. But while an anime protagonist’s friends are occasionally able to help them out of a sticky situation, SOME PEOPLE are not even able to help themselves and require saving time and time again. While there are many useless characters in anime, these characters are the most useless of all.
Tuxedo Mask
While Sailor Moon‘s Tuxedo Mask has been able to get the Sailor Soldiers out of a bind here and there, he mostly just shows up to look pretty. Usually he arrives LATE to a battle that he was AWARE was happening and decides to “turn the tide” by throwing ONE measly little rose. And then what? He gives the whole “aren’t you glad that I’m here to save the day?” speech. And sadly enough, Sailor Moon herself eats it up. Tuxedo Mask is pretty privilege at its most flagrant.
Kon
How well do you think one of your childhood stuffed animals would fare in combat with Bleach‘s extra-dimensional spirit monsters? Not very well, right? That’s Kon for you. He’s a spirit imprisoned in a stuffed animal lion, which sounds cute in theory, but in practice he’s simply a nuisance that requires saving the second he flops out the door. Not to mention the fact that he isn’t motivated to actually HELP anyone accomplish their goals. The only goal he has is to leer lewdly at the more well endowed characters, a goal that he often accomplishes.
Yamcha
Oh, Yamcha. Yamcha, Yamcha, Yamcha … so much potential … wasted. Dragon Ball Z did poor Yamcha dirty. He started off as an intrepid young hero with a bright future, but was quickly and cruelly eclipsed by the power of Goku, Vegeta, and basically everyone else. There are children more powerful than Yamcha on Dragon Ball Z. Embarrassingly enough, Yamcha has died THREE TIMES over the course of the series, and each time he’s had to be revived by heroes greater than he.
Sakura
Sakura begins to pull her own weight once Naruto Shippuden begins. But in the original Naruto series? This girl contributed NOTHING to the plot. She never once won a single battle. The best she ever did was fight Ino to a draw in the chunin exams. The worst part is, Sakura KNOWS that she is useless. Half of her internal monologues are “I’m so useless, why do Naruto and Sasuke have to save me all the time?” GIRL, I DON’T KNOW EITHER. FIX IT.
Shinji
Neon Genesis Evangelion’s Shinji was dealt a bad hand. His mother isn’t around, and his cartoonishly abusive father happens to run an organization devoted to fighting a slew of Biblically accurate angels hell-bent on destroying the planet. Poor Shinji has to pilot a biomechanical giant robot in order to fight them off, which he does successfully for a while. Eventually the pressure gets to be too much and his many battlefield traumas reduce him to a catatonic shell. Useless, but understandably so.
Max
Max is the Pokémon fourth wheel that no one asked for. Max is the Scrappy-Doo of the Pokémon universe: small, loud, and totally useless. Is he a good Pokémon master? No. Is he supportive to his team? No. Is he pleasant to be around? No. No. No. This kid is a detriment to the triumvirate that is Ash, Misty, and Brock, and deserves not to go to the Indigo League, but to the garbage. Where he belongs.
Reigen Arataka
Mob Psycho 100‘s Reigen Arataka is only good at one thing: being an S-tier Tumblr Sexyman. THAT’S IT. And you know what? I’M NOT EVEN SURE WHY PEOPLE THINK HE’S SEXY!?!? He’s a lazy con-artist who has convinced himself that he is psychic, and is willing to take advantage of a child who is actually psychic in order to make money from needy people who are fighting off very real spiritual afflictions. The only other thing Reigen is good at is motivating Mob to believe in himself. Other than that? Worthless.
Hawk
Ugh. Another mascot character. Hawk from the The Seven Deadly Sins does NOTHING but get himself almost eaten on a daily basis. All the little pig cares about is eating scraps, which would be adorable if he was a tiny piglet, but he’s a full-grown pig. It’s kind of like a grown man saying “I want chocky milk” and expecting people to think it’s’ cute. It ain’t. The only good thing about Hawk is that his mom is kind enough to allow the Seven Deadly Sins to live in a house on her back. Basically Hawk still lives with his mom, and will be that way until he dies.
Yukiteru Amano
While most of the characters on this list are side characters or mascots, Future Diary‘s Yukiteru Amano has the AUDACITY to be completely without use as a MAIN CHARACTER. All this kid does is cry about how people are trying to kill him all the time and that he just can’t handle it. Lucky for him, he has S-tier yandere waifu Gasai Yuno looking out for him. Gasai will bury an axe in the face of anyone who so much as looks at her darling Yuki funny. Treat her well, kid. She’s the best you’ll ever get.
Magikarp
The Crown Jewel in the Tiara of Uselessness is none other than Magikarp. Anyone who has watched Pokémon (or played the games) knows that Magikarp’s only ability is to splash around senselessly. And what a CHORE it is to get this soggy bastard to level up. Why would you ever want to level up this fish instead of frying it up? Because if a Magikarp gains enough combat experience, it will level up into one of the most badass Pokémon that a trainer can own: Gyarados. At least this fish has POTENTIAL, unlike some of the characters on this list.
(featured image: Pierrot)
