President of Taco Bell Says He Doesn’t Know What 4/20 Is, Wants Canada To Take Justin Bieber Back
As if, Dude.
As President of Taco Bell, I assumed Brian Nichols would automatically also be Chief Commander of Potheadery. But in a Reddit AMA yesterday the mayor of Taco Town said a lot of amazing things—including that he doesn’t know what 4/20 is, Canada hasn’t earned the right to Breakfast waffles, and guacamole is only a “sometimes” food.
Nichols demonstrated a remarkable ability to answer the exact kind of questions you would expect from a certain hungry subset of Taco Bell customers with awe-inspiring solemnity and professionalism. In a subsequent interview with Huffington Post, Lord Burrito hinted that he’s not 100% ignorant of the fourth meal phenomenon, saying:
We love making tacos. We love having a late-night business. Everybody needs to be following the laws, so from there that’s actually their business. We’ve got passionate fans that share with us what they’re up to, so we do get some interesting insight from people sometimes.
They’re probably especially passionate in Colorado, where Nichols jokes business has increased by “420%. But seriously, what’s 4/20?” Other charming moments of Nichols deadpannery and paradoxical Taco Bell sincerity included his heartfelt response to this disappointing menu item: “That is a poorly made Waffle Taco and should not happen. I’m sorry. private message me and we will make it right”. In response to the comment “Taco Bell always has dope ass commercials,” Nichols promised to, “pass that along to a lot of great people,” so now we all know the sort of professional business lingo that can be overheard in a Taco Bell board room.
Sadly, Nichols’ AMA was not without some disappointments: In response to a plea for the return of the Bellbeefer, he said “I’m terribly sorry. That is not happening anytime soon.” Other heartbreaking Taco Bell moments: guacamole does not belong in breakfast, Canada won’t be getting any breakfast waffle tacos until they take back Justin Bieber, and Nichols could not follow through on Michael Ian Black’s numerous requests to become the official Taco Bell spokesperson.
As consolation Nichols stroked all of our egos by promising “None of our customers are average[…] its more about living mas.”
Do you hear that, world? My past cheesy gordita crunch experience validates my entire existence!
As for Nichol’s coy ignorance of stoner culture, he’s probably just not allowed to, as one Reddit user put it, taco bout it. Whatever, it’s nacho business.
- Ronald McDonald endorsed this message
- Senior Editor Glen Tickle sacrificed himself for taco science
- Burritos come from vending machines now, what future is this?
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