‘I Just Made Honesty Expensive’: He Was Married for 25 Years. These Four Mistakes Ruined His Marriage.
Ryan Saplan talked about making four mistakes that cost his marriage of 25 years.
Marriage is not so much a happily ever after as it is a work in progress. After 25 and a half years, Ryan Saplan (@ryansaplan) told Instagram how his marriage with his high school sweetheart gradually broke down.
“We have three kids, two dogs, a big, beautiful house. We had a successful business, living the American dream. Everything came falling apart when I was verbally and emotionally abusive in April 2024, and then I found out about an affair in November 2024,” Saplan said. When he discovered the affair, Saplan realized that he wasn’t the partner he thought he was.
“My wife stopped telling me the truth, and she wasn’t lying. I just made honesty expensive,” Saplan claimed. He explained that he used to punish his wife for her honesty in ways he didn’t recognize until it was too late.
He corrected her story while she was telling it
“I interrupted her thought process. She was feeling, and I didn’t hold space,” Saplan said. Essentially, he was hearing her but not listening to what she was saying. Saplan regrets his actions, saying that he should have been more present and sat with what his wife was feeling.
Even for newlyweds, understanding each other’s emotional needs is crucial to make the relationship function. A man smashing his wife’s face on cake might just be a silly bit for him, but it could leave her crying the whole night.
He was defensive, and his marriage suffered for it
“If you’re saying ‘no, I’m not,’ you’re being defensive,” Saplan warned. In comparison, he said that someone who isn’t defensive is going to respond thoughtfully without feeling as though they had been attacked.
“I was defensive. Every time she brought it up, I would sound something like that all the time. And it got worse overtime,” he admitted. Saplan made an example of the way he reacts to his social media posts. He said that whenever he’s criticized, he ends up feeling attacked without even realizing it.
She was checking his mood
“She was always scanning to see if I was in a good mood or a bad mood,” Saplan said. Initially, he denied being volatile but said he gradually became volatile over time. He claimed that he made her feel terrible with the way he spoke to her, which connects with his claim of being verbally abusive.
At the time, Saplan believed that there was nothing wrong with the way he responded to her. But in hindsight, she was walking on eggshells and felt unsafe. His actions made her emotionally distant, and it cost them their relationship.
He kept score during their marriage
“Nothing she admitted was ever really forgiven,” Saplan confessed. He also said that he used to bring up old grudges and make her feel bad about her actions. Saplan described himself as a transactional person, which he didn’t elaborate on. Nevertheless, he advised other people not to be transactional with their partners.
Divorces hardly come out of left field. Before the affair, years of neglect pile up until one partner decides to break it all off. There are those who’d sensed that their marriage was coming to an end all because of a granola bar. It’s hardly ever just the infidelity or physical violence that breaks the marriage. A lack of effort to repair and maintain the relationship can also slowly push a couple to divorce.
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