One of life’s joys is watching conservative dorks twist themselves into human pretzels via mental gymnastics to lavishly praise bad people who have no redeeming qualities. Since the conservative movement has no heroes, they have limited figures to whom they can compare their people. The result is often unintended hilarity.
It is in that vein I happily introduce you to the newest entry into this unintentionally hilarious genre, in which a writer compares Donald Trump the Vlad the Impaler. Before you quickly jump in to agree, know that this is presented as a favorable comparison. as if it is a good and admirable thing. These people love to tell on themselves.
Lest you think I jest, here is a screenshot of the genuinely real article, which comes from the most venerable of publications, The American Conservative.
Yes, the American people do need a champion who is willing to be the bad guy, I would agree with that. Although my interpretation of that is someone who stands up to the corporations and billionaires who don’t pay their fair share in taxes, cut employees only to hire them back as contractors ensuring they have no protections, benefits, or ability to collect unemployment if they’re let go, and guarantee that every citizen has an opportunity at upward mobility. Somehow I don’t think that’s what the author means here.
He writes:
Much like the Ottoman Turks dominated their day’s politics and culture, leftist globalist elites dominate the politics and culture of today. Much like how the voivodes and boyars caved to the demands of the sultan, almost every large institution today complies with the agenda of these elites. And much like the Romanian nobility demonized the populist Dracula at the behest of the sultan, today’s institutions demonize the populist Trump at the behest of the leftist elites.
I don’t say this lightly or facetiously, but what the f*ck are you smoking, there?! I have a sneaking suspicion we are headed towards some thinly veiling dog whistles that the people to whom they are directed know exactly who these “leftist elites” are supposed to be and I very much do not care for it.
Don’t worry though, we absolutely are not going to breeze past the populist Dracula comparison my friends, because again: what?! This article is doing too much. So Trump is a modern-day populist Dracula, am I getting that right? And the leftist elites won’t let him be great and want him in jail? Even though Trump (allegedly) decided to pay off his mistress all by himself and then (again, allegedly) launder that money through campaign finance channels. Can someone explain to me how the leftist elites fit into that? Do facts matter here, or can we admit the author just wants to give a little history-buff flex regarding the real Vlad the Impaler?
The article continues:
This analogy sheds light on what makes Trump so unpopular: He is a threat to the current system of leftist intimidation and elite privilege. As Christian Parenti recently argued in Compact, Trump is hated because he opposes foreign intervention, globalist trade agreements, outsourcing manufacturing, mass immigration, and leftist hypocrisy.
Wait, I hate Trump for a lot of reasons, one of which is I believe him to be an absolute empty-minded ghoul who at one point told us all to inject bleach into our bodies to avoid COVID, which is something that would literally kill anyone. How does this fit into your argument, sir?
If you think you know where this article is headed, you are absolutely right because it’s what all the conservatives have been threatening since Trump’s second impeachment, since he incited an Insurrection on January 6th. (Did populist Dracula ever do that I wonder?)
Therefore, it’s essential to learn from history and fight fire with fire. Instead of lamenting the faulty indictments and legal double-standards, conservative politicians need to start indicting and investigating prominent Democrats.
Ah, yes, go after the Democrats with the legal system, just as Dracula might! As if the conservatives haven’t been trying that since they impeached Bill Clinton for his affair in 1998. It’s almost as if they keep accusing the other side of their own transgressions and keep coming up short of finding anything actually done wrong once they get in power with the authority to investigate. Funny how that works.
The article ends exactly how you would expect it, and honestly, I feel like LARP-ing might be a good hobby for this guy to let off some steam and engage in some historical role-play and make some friends in the process. Doesn’t he kind of seem like he needs some?
While leftist elites and their stooges will always vilify conservatives for showing a spine, Americans who have families, do real work, and actually love their country will celebrate them and keep their memories alive. They need a champion who will not sell them out, fight the good fight, and do the dirty work of (figuratively) impaling some bad guys.
For the record, I am a leftist (but my credit score would probably not designate me as an elite) and all I really want is to have bodily autonomy and for the government to stay out of my business. Like, if everyone could just respect my and everyone else’s right to exist, make decisions for my body, and generally stay out of my home and keep me safe? I don’t have a problem with anyone. It’s when other people try to interfere with the above that I vilify people. (That and when you write asinine incoherent articles comparing bad people to historical figures and try to use big words to make it sound like you know what you’re talking about, but I’m getting off track.) Populist Dracula President Trump actively didn’t do any of those things for many people who weren’t pale male and stale. But good surreal wannabe rage clickbait anyway! I got a laugh out of it at least!
(featured image: Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images/losw)
