I’m sorry, is Shadowheart not good enough for you? Why do you feel the need to be a Cleric when the PERFECT Cleric already exists? Why do you feel the need to pick ANY of the classes and subclasses in Baldur’s Gate 3 when the PERFECT CHARACTER FOR ALL OF THOSE CLASSES ALREADY EXISTS. Do you SERIOUSLY THINK that you can be a BETTER goth gf than SHADOWHEART? She practically wrote the damn book. All you want to do is check it out at the local library and pawn it off as your own original work. Shadowheart is the blueprint and you are the 3D-printed facsimile.
You wanna make an unsexy fool of yourself trying to compete with this goth mommy? Fine, be my guest. I’ll give you all the Cleric subclasses so you can choose one and LEARN FOR YOURSELF how you will NEVER MEASURE UP to the DARK AND TERRIBLE GLORY OF SHADOWHEART. Just be a Monk instead, and MEDITATE ON YOUR MISTAKES.
Life Domain:
The Life Domain is the basic b*tch Cleric. Holy magic? Helping the wounded? Healing the sick? GIVE ME A BREAK. You’re basically just a white bread Christian missionary but with the actual ability to faith heal. And if you think that this somehow puts you in the same league as the Trickery Goddess, you are SORELY MISTAKEN MY FRIEND. This is what you get for your hubris.
- Feature: Disciple of Life – When you cast a healing magic, your target receives additional HP equal to 2, plus the spell’s tier.
- Spell: Cure Wounds – Heals for 4-11 HP; only works if you can touch your target.
- Spell: Bless – You give three targets a 1d4 bonus to saving throws and attack rolls.
Light Domain:
The Light Domain is a LITTLE cooler than the Life Domain. But it’s like comparing a refrigerator ice cube to the ANTARCTICA that is Shadowheart—orders of magnitude less cool. Basically you’re a walking flashlight with some cool fire powers. Yay.
- Feature: Warding Flare – When used as a reaction, warding flare distracts an attacker and gives them disadvantage.
- Spell: Burning Hands – Deals 3-18 fire damage to a target within five meters. A flaming b*tch slap.
- Spell: Faerie Fire – All targets in a low light area become visible. Attacks made against them have advantage!
- Cantrip: Light – You can make random sh*t glow. Like, any object.
Trickery Domain:
This is just sad. This is Shadowheart’s domain. Picking a Cleric was bad enough, but copying her SUBCLASS, TOO? That’s criminal. You need to quit while you’re behind. A Trickery Cleric uses illusion and deceit to baffle foes. But you’re not fooling anyone, loser.
- Action: Blessing of the Trickster – Grants a target advantage on stealth checks. Basically you give a target Bardic Inspiration to be sus.
- Spell: Charm Person – Something you can’t hope to do as well as Shadowheart. This spell stops a humanoid target from attacking you, and you receive advantage on Charisma checks during dialogue.
- Spell: Disguise Self – You can change all aspects of your appearance. But I still know you’re a poser.
Knowledge Domain:
Oh, lookee here! A Cleric who graduated with a LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE. WONDER HOW FAR THAT GOT YOU, HUH? If you were actually smart, you would have majored in something USEFUL, like punching people in the face. But NO, you had to copy Shadowheart. Basically this subclass focuses on utility rather than combat power.
- Spell: Command – You can command an enemy to run away, move closer, stop what they’re doing, lay on the ground, or drop their melee weapon. Shadowheart can make me do all those things WITHOUT casting a spell.
- Spell: Sleep – You put a target to sleep. I bet you do this a lot without trying.
Nature Domain:
Looks like SOMEBODY took a brisk walk in the woods but wasn’t tough enough to rough it like a Druid. Still, you decided to make Nature your whole personality. You’re like one of those girls who makes autumn her entire reason for existence. How original. Shadowheart would never be so basic.
- Feature: Acolyte of Nature – You get to learn Druid cantrip, or gain proficiency in the Animal Handling, Nature, or Survival skills. Cosplaying as a Druid … wow.
- Spell: Speak with Animals – You can talk to animals. And they can tell you how you make bad decisions.
- Spell: Animal Friendship – You can charm an animal into not attacking you; but your target must have an Intelligence of 3 or less. I’m sure all your friends fit that category.
- Cantrip: Shilelagh – You get to hit people with a magic stick, dealing 4-11 bludgeoning damage.
Tempest Domain:
All you ever talk about is the WEATHER. People must LOVE YOU at parties.
- Feature: Wrath of the Storm – You can hit an attacking creature to deal 2-16 thunder damage. You deal half damage if the creature succeeds on a saving throw.
- Spell: Thunderwave – A cone of thunder that pushes enemies back and causes 2 – 16 points of damage.
- Spell: Fog Cloud – You create a cloud in a small area, which obscures the vision of other creatures. I bet you use this to escape from awkward social situations that you cause.
War Domain:
Rather than go to school and major in dirt or clouds, you actually DID major in punching people in the face. You quite literally use your faith to bash heads. CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR SUBCLASS IS A REPUBLICAN.
- Feature: War Priest – Whenever you attack, you can use a War Priest charge to perform an extra attack as a bonus action.
- Spell: Divine Favor – Your weapon hits for an extra 1-4 points radiant damage.
- Spell: Shield of Faith – You increase the armor class of a target by 2 points.
So there you have it: all the many possibilities for you to embarrass yourself in front of your god and everyone else. Listen, if you love god so much, why not be a Paladin? The only other Paladin character in the game is Minthara, and she is JUST TOO EVIL TO ROMANCE IN GOOD CONSCIENCE. You can be the god-fearing Paladin that your party needs … and then you can actually bond with Shadowheart instead of imitating her.
(Featured image: Larian Studios)
