There are a criminal amount of hotties in Baldur’s Gate 3.
And some of them are ACTUAL CRIMINALS. I’m pretty sure that by Geneva convention standards, the Drow baddie Minthara could be convicted of war crimes! (But you can totally fix her!) Baldur’s Gate 3 is so sexually charged that even the game’s narrator is getting steamy in the vocal booth. But how are you supposed to seduce these bachelors and bachelorettes? Obviously you’re going to have to create a player character that is strong enough, smart enough, and horny enough to slake your party members’ randiest desires.
But what class should you choose to be worthy of a one-way ticket to pound town with your adventurer polycule? While you can romance your companions with a lover of any type, some classes will make you a more valuable comrade on the battlefield—and in the bedroll.
12. Monk
The Monk is the coolest class in the game, and is totally f*ckable for their hot ninja avatar vibe alone. However, they don’t have many useful abilities to boast of. Where the Monk excels most is speed (not necessarily something you want to brag to your lover about), and they’re able to move around the battlefield faster than any other class, hands down. But that’s all they do well. The Monk is squishier than other close combat fighters, and has less variety of spells than their caster competitors. While the Monk is touted to be the master of hand to hand combat, their talented hands could certainly be better used off the battlefield.
11. Druid
The ability for this class to turn into a powerful wild animal increases their f*ckability tenfold. However, a Druid’s Wild Shape ability is all that they really have to bring to the table. Their spellcasting ability pales in comparison to Wizards and Sorcerers, and while they are able to tank well, they lack the raw damage output of a Barbarian or Paladin. But they are EXCEPTIONAL at exploring the wilds, using their ability to talk to trees and animals to great effect. Basically, if a Druid tells you that they “know a spot” you can bet it’s going to be a sexy waterfall grotto where you two can be alone.
10. Ranger
A mix between a Druid and a Fighter, the Ranger is able to dish out long range damage while communing with the natural world. One of the Ranger’s best features is their ability to explore, allowing them to scout ahead for enemies and navigate the wilderness better than most other classes. Their ability to tame animals and make them fight for your party is also a perk. However, the Ranger’s unique abilities (which should be a class’s coolest) are their worst feature. For instance, a Ranger’s “favored enemy” feature is AWESOME when fighting an enemy type that the Ranger hunts best, but USELESS when fighting an enemy type that doesn’t fall into that category. If your crush asks, tell them that your favored enemy to slay is their heart.
9. Rogue
Like Rangers, Rogues excel at exploration. They are able to disarm traps, pick locks, and swipe valuables from distracted enemies. The Rogue is also an exceptional damage dealer, but only in a narrow set of circumstances. If you have the element of surprise on your side, the Rogue’s sneak attack makes them a formidable assassin. However, if your party is ambushed or stuck in a long combat encounter, the Rogue’s power decreases exponentially. When it comes to combat, they’re showers, but not exactly growers.
8. Barbarian
The Barbarian is good at one thing: hitting things until they die. Their Rage ability allows them to deal astronomical damage against enemies and shrug off damage that would have bodied a poor Wizard. Their combat prowess allows Barbarians to turn the tide of any encounter … but that’s it. They struggle with social encounters, as they are quick to fly into fits of rage, and they are equally poor explorers. But that’s okay! Just flex your muscles at your potential lover and let that bod do all the talking for you.
7. Warlock
Warlocks beat out all other class types in one thing: chilling. Unlike other spellcasters, who have to structure their spells around whether or not they are able to take a Long Rest, a Warlock is able to recover all of their spells through a Short Rest alone. Stuck in a long dungeon and the Wizard is gassed out? Your lover is gonna be IMPRESSED when you’re casting spells after nothing but a cigarette break. Warlocks also have high Charisma, which makes them invaluable in social situations. However, a Warlock will never quite have the variety or power of other spellcasters. Plus they are already in a pact with a patron god, meaning that they bring some baggage to a potential relationship.
6. Wizard
Wizards can be summed up in one word: quantity. The Wizard is able to learn more spells than any other caster class in Baldur’s Gate 3. While they are weaker in comparison to the powerful Metamagic-using Sorcerer in the early game stages, late-game Wizards are able to access an ungodly amount of spells, making them a magical Swiss army knife. Plus if your crush is of an academic persuasion, they are going to be seriously impressed by all the books that you read. Smart people are the hottest people of all.
5. Fighter
The Fighter is the most versatile combat class in the game, hands down. You wanna be a close range tank? A long range sniper? A one-on-one assassin? The Fighter is for you. The Fighter’s sheer adaptability allows them to come out on top in nearly all combat situations, plus their Second Wind perk makes it so they don’t have to rely on other party members to heal them. Your crush will be impressed by how independent and self-sufficient you are. And remember, if they ask, you’re a lover AND a Fighter.
4. Sorcerer
The Sorcerer may just be the best pure spellcasting class in the entire game. While the Wizard is far more versatile, the Sorcerer makes up for quantity with quality. By using their Metamagic ability, the Sorcerer is able to accomplish feats of magical might to make any Wizard jealous. Their Twin Spell ability (which allows them to cast the same spell TWICE, at SEPARATE TARGETS) is enough to impress even the most jaded of adventurer babes. Plus their Quick Spell (which allows them to cast a spell as a bonus action) and Subtle Spell (which allows them to cast a spell without speaking, negating spells like Silence) abilities are nothing to sneeze at either. Besides, you get to tell your crush that you didn’t have to study magic, ’cause you had it in you all along.
3. Paladin
The Paladin’s number one relationship is their relationship to God. As long as your crush understands that, you two will be fine. The Paladin is basically a Christian youth counselor with a big-ass hammer, and is able to offer high damage, healing magic, and spotless morals in any situation. Their Holy Smite ability makes them one of the best single-target damage-dealers in the game, especially against the undead. The drawback of a Paladin, however, is that a player MUST act in accordance with the values of their deity. If a player breaks an oath to their god, their subclass will be lost. Give your lover a promise ring and wait until marriage.
2. Bard
The Bard is the exact opposite of the Paladin. Rather than relying on the power of god, they use the power of the flesh to accomplish their goals. The Bard offers the highest Charisma boost in the game, making them an invaluable asset in social situations. With the power of song, a Bard could seduce a locked dungeon door off its hinges. The Bard is also the MVP of any combat encounter due to their ability to buff party members. Using Bardic Inspiration, a Bard can give party members advantage on critically important roles, and inspire their companions to fight harder than they thought they could. You don’t need to worry about finding a lover if you’re a Bard. Odds are you already have 20.
1. Cleric
The Cleric is the best class in Baldur’s Gate 3 for one reason only: healing magic. With access to an arsenal of healing spells and buffs, the Cleric is able to carry the entire party on their back during any combat encounter. Unlike squishy spellcasters (Sorcerers and Wizards), the Cleric’s ability to use medium and heavy armor allows them to tank damage that would normally demolish other spellcasters. The Cleric is also no slouch when it comes to offense, and their divine magic allows them to smite enemies with holy power. And if those enemies are undead? Forget about it. The Cleric is by far the sexiest of all of the classes in the game. What could be more attractive to your crush than saving their life time and time again?
(featured image: Larian Studios)
