Thanks to The Atlantic and Ashley Feinberg over at Slate, the internet has been blessed with the discovery of Mitt Romney’s secret twitter account and his alias, Pierre Delecto.
That’s right, PIERRE DELECTO. Is he a wealthy French playboy? Or is he the most delicious, yet sadly forgotten, super villain from the extend Marvel universe? Will Jake Gyllenhaal play him in the film version directed by James Gunn? Either way, this is definitely the most hilarious name that the handsome piece of unbuttered toast that is Mitt Romney could have come up with. After all, nothing could be more dangerous (dare I say, delectable?) to a repressed Mormon man than the French!? Possibly Europe’s horniest country!? No one would have ever guessed!
… Except that most of the people he followed were his children, news outlets, conservative pundits, and Chris Cillizza—that and he admitted to McKay Coppins of The Atlantic that he had one. That was your first mistake, Mitt! And what subversive actions did his alter ego take on that mild mannered Mitt Romney would never dare? Mostly more of his usual brand of striking the perfect combination of tough talk and cowardice, and … nobly defending the honor of one Mitt Romney.
(image: Twitter)
And we’re hardly the only ones amused by Romney’s brash, naughty behavior!
The Michigan crowd leaned forward to hear Pierre Delecto speak. “I think,” Pierre Delecto said, with a contemptuous sneer, “some of the trees here are the wrong height.” The crowd gasped. A woman fainted. https://t.co/vqMZwTABk6
— Alexandra Petrified (@petridishes) October 21, 2019
Now, we could debate about the implications of this reveal—whether or not he revealed this account on purpose to garner support from the left and those few remaining in the middle, and to what aim that might ultimately be for. Is he trying to survive the impending impeachment carnage? Rebrand himself and hope people forget the infamous photo of him selling his soul to the devil? Or is he toying with another presidential bid and wants to be seen as The Conservative That Stood up to Trump?
None of that matters. (I mean, it does, but shhh.) What matters is enjoying this truly hilarious, and extremely 2019, moment by fantasizing about the alter-egos of other prominent politicians. For example:
Lindsey Graham – Dirk Birkenwald
Mitch McConnell – Alonzo Delancourt
Nancy Pelosi – Maria Von Kickinface
Ted Cruz – Chad Manthunder
Rand Paul – Buck Chest
Diane Feinstein – Sophie Feline
Chuck Schumer – Ace “Lightning” McCleary
Maxine Waters – NONE. SHE DOESN’T NEED ONE. SHE IS THE TOTAL PACKAGE.
Have I gotten carried away? Maybe. Am I using this as a crutch or a shield to hide from our impending environmental, economic, and pretty much societal collapse? Yes, but I am calling it #selfcare, so don’t you dare come for my coping mechanisms! However, if you would like to join me in this world of decrepit politicians masquerading as superheroes, spies, and general global intrigue, please add your own suggestions, or better yet, write up some steamy fic!
(image: Alex Wong/Getty Images)
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