10 Bits of Norse Myth You Probably Won’t See in Thor Power Grid By Susana Polo and Max EddyMay 3rd, 2011, 12:55 pm You are seeing this message because you have javascript disabled. To use our slideshows you need to enable javascript. There's no cross domain hackery or tracking voodoo, it's just some sweet jQuery animations. Please, think of the animations. In the meantime, enjoy the html version below. I guess. If that's your thing. Allow Us to Explain The problem with Norse mythology is that no one really knows that much about it. Most of what we do know was written down by Christian scholars hundreds of years after Wotan's faith was a functioning religion, and so we’ve got a long time of hearsay and the biases of a bunch of monks standing between us and what actually went on back then. Which is probably what makes Norse mythology such fertile ground for things like the Marvel universe. The plot holes are so big you could drive a goat-drawn chariot through, and so nobody will get real mad if you leave out some stories that aren’t quite kid (or sanity) friendly. But that doesn’t mean those stories aren't super entertaining, so here are ten aspects of Norse mythology that we’re not likely to see in Thor this weekend. And if we do... well, that’s going to super awesome to watch. Odin Spits Poetry All Over the World A lot of cultures have stories about the origins of poetry, but few are as convoluted and expectorant-laden as this. It begins with a jar full of spit, used to seal a peace deal, that the gods make into a man called Kvasir. Kvasir was the most respected of men, and everybody sought his advice. Though he rarely gave straight answers, people felt better for having talked with him. Think of him as the Frasier Crane of the Norse world. Unfortunately, his renown ends with him being killed by some jealous dwarfs. Having killed Kvasir, the dwarves bleed him out, mix the blood with honey, and brew a tasty mead. You know, like you do after any murder. Through a series of exchanges, the mead ends up in the hands of the giant Suttung, who hides it inside of a mountain. He assigns his daughter to guard the mead, which made whoever tasted it a poet or a wiseman. Suttung clearly hadn’t drank any of it, because his boasting attracts the attention of Odin, who schemes to steal back the blood of Kvasir. Odin quickly arrives on the scene in disguise, and in short order: kills nine men, Beguiles Suttung’s brother, changes into a snake, changes into a handsome man, seduces Suttung’s daughter, drinks all the mead, and then changes into an eagle to escape. Carrying three jugs worth of mead in his (apparently squirrel-like) mouth, Odin flies back to Asgard with Suttung, also in the form of an eagle, close behind him. Seeing the two birds approaching, the Aesir line up crocks all over a courtyard to catch the mead. This is, apparently, a standard operating procedure at Asgard anytime two eagles fly by. The plan works, though, and Odin spits all the mead into the crocks and Suttung is left with nothing. But because spit is rarely accurate, some dribbles outside the walls of Asgard and into the human world, where it gave poetry to mere mortals. Not caring about these dribblings, the gods grant the spit-up beer made from the blood of a man who himself was made from spit, to humans. Lucky us. Thor Dresses Up Like A Lady To Marry A Giant The events of the Thrymskvitha, a comedic poem starring Thor and Loki, Thor wakes up one morning and finds that Mjölnir has been stolen while he was sleeping. Eventually, Thor and Loki figure out that the hammer has was taken by Thrymr the giant (no explanation is offered for how, we guess the god of thunder is a really sound sleeper or was really hung over). Thrymr has hidden Mjölnir and is only willing to give the hammer back if the Norse gods will let him marry the most beautiful Freyja. So Thor and Loki tell Freyja to get dressed all nice so they can marry her to one of their mortal enemies, and she pitches a well deserved fit, shaking the halls of the Æsir. The rest of the gods have a big meeting and it is suggested by Baldur (the prettiest male god, possibly shoehorned in by Christian scholars as a Christ analogue) that they take a page from Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy and just dress Thor up like Freyja and send him in her place. So the gods dress Thor up in "jewels, women's clothing down to his knees, a bridal head-dress," and Freyja's famous necklace Brísingamen. Loki, who we've already described as something of a shapeshifter and a genderbender, makes himself look like a handmaid, and off they go. When "Freyja" astonishes the other giants by eating enough for thirty men, Loki explains that Freyja is so excited about marrying Thrymr that she hasn't eaten in more than a week. When Thrymr raises Freyja's veil and sees the burning eyes of a warrior staring back at him, Loki explains that Freyja hasn't slept in eight days either. Convinced, the giants bring out Mjölnir to use in the wedding ceremony and lay it on Freyja's lap. Then Thor slaughters every last one of them wearing a wedding dress and fabulous jewels. The Gods Don't Like Independent Contractors Sure, Asgard is a great place. But a castle/hall of the gods is only as good as the great big fuck-off-wall that you erect around it. So the gods find the perfect craftsman, the only guy who can do the job, and wouldn’t you know it? He wants to be paid what he’s worth, i.e., the Sun, the Moon, and Freyja’s hand in marriage. So naturally, the gods give him a bunch of arbitrary limitations in order to make sure that he doesn’t actually finish the wall on time so they can cheat him of pay, mandating that he must build the wall with the help of “no man” and do it all in three seasons. The builder asks if he can use his horse. The gods say, yes, why not? Turns out this horse, Svaðilfari, is the Superman of all equines, and he proceeds on schedule. The gods have a private panic attack and sic the tricksy Loki on the guy. But Loki’s scheme comes to naught, and eventually the gods realize that the builder is actually a giant, one of the guys they were trying to keep out in the first place, so Thor bashes his head in once the wall is completed. Sleipnir But back to Loki’s scheme to stop the builder with his super horse (TANGENT, the Super Horse is a real DC hero, his name is Comet, his Post Crisis revamp was as a bisexual FTM shapeshifting angel. Yes). Loki decides the best thing do to would be to distract Svaðilfari, the horse, and the best way to do that would be to turn himself into a sexy mare. That night, when sexy mare Loki appeared from the forest, Svaðilfari went crazy, tore his traces, and chased Loki all night. Then he caught Loki. I hope I don’t have to explain what happened next. Sometime later mare Loki gave birth to a foal with eight legs named Sleipnir, and instead of saying “Whoah, that is some freaky child of shapeshifter-rape,” Odin said “Dude that’s a sweet horse. Imma ride that thing all over.” And For That Matter, Loki's Other Children And don’t think Loki stopped after giving birth, in animal form, to Odin’s sweet-ass ride. He’s got other kids, mostly with the giantess Angrboða. Kids is a lose definition, here. First there’s is only humanoid child with Angrboða, Hel, who, as you might have guessed, winds up becoming the etymological root of the word Hell, as the ruler of a realm called Helheim, the Norse underworld. But then there’s Fenrir, the massive wolf who grew so quickly the gods had to restrain him with shackles so badass they have their own name, who is destined to kill Allfather Odin himself during Ragnarök. Then there’s, you know, Jörmungandr, the World Serpent and nemesis of Thor; so large he lies around the world and forms its border by grasping his own tail in his mouth. When he lets go, the world will end. The Boat Made Out of Fingernails The Norse would like you to please, please, clip your nails. Especially if you just died. Because the boat Naglfar is made of the untrimmed fingernails of the dead, and will ferry hordes of damned souls to make up the armies that war against the gods at the end of the world. In fact, Ragnarök can’t get started without it. So, the more dead who arrive with ragged cuticles, the faster the world will end. Get with the program, people. The Beer Run of the Gods: An Epic Fetchquest During one of their massive feasts, the gods somehow ran out of beer and simply could not go on eating without more. Not missing a beat, they dispatch Thor and Tyr to the island ruled by Aegir, a sea god and apparently some kind of micro-homebrew hipster. But like any beer run, this goes awry when Aegir, in response to Thor’s insults, claims he doesn’t have a cauldron big enough. Tyr suggests they go to his house, where his dad has a cauldron five miles deep. Sure, why not? Upon arriving at Tyr’s house, they are confronted by his nine-hundred headed monster grandmother, his totally hot mom, and his evil father Hymir -- a giant who has icicles in his beard. Unwilling to give up his totally sweet cauldron, Hymir suggests they eat. Their errand suddenly less urgent, Thor sits down to dinner and eats two whole cows. By this time, the whole beer issue must be completely forgotten since Thor goes on a fishing trip where he beats up Jorgmund, the Midguard serpent; hauls a boat full of whales; and shatters a glass goblet against Hymir’s head. After all this, they finally score the cauldron and hightail it Asgard. The gods immediately drop everything at the prospect of free beer, and are said to have “drank tides of warming ale brewed for them in the sea god’s gleaming hall.” Party on, dudes. Thor's Goat-Drawn Chariot, Which He Regularly Eats One would assume that being a god -- and a seriously badass god at that -- Thor would have a means of conveyance equal to his stature. A hammer-themed car, perhaps. A mighty stallion, at least. Or even, as suggested by Marvel, flying by flinging his hammer around. No. According to the Norse sources, he gets around town in a chariot, drawn by two goats. Not majestic stallions, not terrible dragons, not even ponies, but goats. They are quite useful, however, as Thor has been known to slaughter, cook, and eat them without a second a thought. When dining with Thor in this manner, he has a few simple rules. First, throw your bones in with the skins of the goats. Second, don’t break the bones. This is because Thor resurrects the goats the morning afterward, but absolutely cannot fix broken bone, apparently. One time, Thor shared a goat-meal with the son of a farmer, who naturally sucked the marrow from a thigh bone, and one of the goats was resurrected with a lame leg. Angry at this display of disobedience, Thor took the son and daughter as hostages. In a surprising turn of events, he then took them on a magical adventure into giant land, entered a drinking contest, failed to lift a cat in a feat of strength, and lost a wresting match against old woman. Sæhrímnir, the Giant Boar That Feeds Valhalla Every Night Continuing on the theme of eating and then resurrecting animals over and over again in an endless wash of slaughter and servitude to their masters: Valhalla, as most know, is the nice afterlife full of drinking, fighting, eating, and pretty Valkyries, that people go to if they die in battle. It’s ruled over by Odin himself. Well, half of the people who die in battle go there. The other half get sent to Fólkvangr, which is the nice field that Freyja looks after. And nobody really knows how it’s decided who goes where, or if Fólkvangr is worse then Valhalla or what, so... there’s that. But there are a lot of people in Valhalla, half of all the warriors who have ever died in battle (although it is acknowledged that they will seem too few when the final battle of Ragnarök comes), drinking, eating, and fighting each other to stay sharp. Did we mention the eating part? Lets see what’s on the menu. Ah. Boar. And boar and boar. The same boar. And his name is Sæhrímnir, and his only purpose is to get slaughtered every morning to feed the warriors of Valhalla, and after they’ve finished he gets brought back to life (no ham soup out of the carcass on this one) to get slaughtered the next day. At least, we think Sæhrímnir was a boar. The truth is nobody is really sure since a lot of accounts just referred to him as a “creature.” Whatever he was, he probably isn’t a vegetarian option. Loki Bitches out Everyone; Freya farts The Lokasenna is basically an old Norse rap battle between Loki and every other god. All the other gods are sitting around talking about how great they are and how much they hate Loki, and so Loki decides to go in there and tell everyone how much they actually suck. The entire poem consists of two stanzas of Loki insulting someone by saying they slept with their brother’s killer, that they’re responsible for the death of their own son, or that he killed their dad, followed by a stanza of the insultee responding and a stanza of another god coming to their defense, followed by two stanzas of Loki insulting this newcomer to the conversation. This goes on for almost a dozen gods until Thor finally arrives and tells Loki to shut up or get out. Loki chooses the latter, after implying that Thor is a coward and reminding him of that time he lost at wrestling to an old woman and couldn’t lift a cat. But he doesn’t leave before he’s implied some serious things about Freya, the most beautiful of the godesses, specifically that when all the other gods walked in on her having sex with her own brother, she was so surprised that she farted. Wikipedia notes: “This scenario is otherwise unattested.” Have a tip we should know? 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