‘You Might Need a Daughter in Death, but I Needed a Mother in Life’: Tana Mongeau Opens up About Her Mother and the Reality of Going No Contact

Some relationships are grieving long before they have ended, but preparation hardly dulls the pain. When internet star Tana Mongeau opened up about her estranged mother’s deteriorating health, Mongeau recalled everything—the years of alleged neglect she suffered under her parents, the consequences of their abuse, and how, despite it all, she still feels a sense of dread over her dying mother.

Mongeau’s struggle to piece her emotions together isn’t just a “bad mental health day” but a reflection of the complicated emotions those with deep parental wounds sit with.

“For the past six months or so, I found out that my mother’s going to die,” Mongeau said in a newly uploaded video on YouTube. Mongeau said it was the first time in nearly a decade that she had seen their names pop up on her phone. Mongeau’s parents sued her for slander, believing that telling stories about her traumatic childhood is an affront to their reputation. Since then, Mongeau has gone no contact with her parents.

However, Mongeau does find herself questioning her decision from time to time.

No contact is a last resort

“No contact is an interesting thing to wrestle with as well, and my parents are much older,” she said. Mongeau spoke about her mother’s emotional volatility and how even minor inconveniences or pains would be met with severe reactions. Her father, on the other hand, also possessed an unpredictable temper.

“I deeply know that I want no contact,” Mongeau stated. But it wasn’t simple, adding, “I almost find myself in these scenarios where I’m almost fighting with myself at 45 because I know that they’re going to die soon.”

Rationally, the internet star is aware of what the right choice is for herself. Estrangement is not an easy decision to make. She was making a decision for her future, 45-year-old self by blocking those who’ve traumatized her out. Nevertheless, Mongeau found herself constantly asking if she was going to regret her choice, as her parents would be gone one day.

Now that her mother got a heart attack, the question has weighed on her further.

Grieving the person they will never be

“As much as they are still alive, I’ve mourned them as though they were dead—the idea of them as people, as my parents,” she commented on the first phone conversation she had with her mother. At the time, her mother was desperately pleading to speak with Mongeau over the phone.

Her mother started profusely apologizing, saying “I love you” and “I’m sorry” to Mongeau. But even then, Mongeau said her parents had always been like this way. They would apologize but continue to wound her. But is an apology sincere if the person who caused the wounds couldn’t promise to stop cutting the other?

As soon as she picked the phone up, Mongeau said she “immediately stepped into a role” she always had with her parents.

“They were never my parents. I was parenting my parents,” she revealed. Mongeau seemingly had to appease her parents, soothe their emotions, and de-escalate whenever they became too erratic. She became the home’s defacto peacemaker. Yet, she seemingly had to beg just to get them to show up for her as a child. Mongeau recalled that her mother once flew into a rage all because she wanted to be taught how to tie her shoes.

Her mother never taught her, and Mongeau would learn by herself. She would later attribute her alcoholism and volatile relationships to the neglect she received from her parents.

Tana Mongeau puts her boundaries first

Although Mongeau told her mother that she’s forgiven her, she still refused to visit her. Her father had tried to get Mongeau to go to the hospital, but Mongeau couldn’t bring herself to. When she was passing by Las Vegas for a different event, Mongeau said she could have easily gone. But ultimately, she decided against it, realizing that it was societal guilt that was creeping up on her.

Mongeau believes that if she goes to visit, her father will guilt her for staying away. She would walk out with not just more trauma to deal with, but also the hospital bill itself. But Mongeau had felt abandoned by her parents at a young age, and in her eyes, they had failed her.

“You might need a daughter in death, but I needed a mother in life,” Mongeau tearfully concluded. She came to terms with her decision and denies being resentful. Mongeau still holds fondness for her parents, being reminded of them randomly, whether it be by Dr. Pepper or Bob Dylan songs.

But some people are best loved from afar.

(featured image: Tana Mongeau)

Have a tip we should know? [email protected]