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Mom!!! The Worst Members Of Congress Are Fighting Again!!!

Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene yell inside the Capitol.

That’s okay sweetie, sometimes you just need to let people fight it out.

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Now don’t go telling your father that I told you that. He’s sensitive. He really just wants everyone to get along, bless his heart. But you know what they say, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. And sometimes you need to let those two eggs break each other. With space lasers.

Sit down honey, I’ll explain what I mean.

Space Lasers? I Don’t Understand?

Neither do I, but apparently space lasers are what started the fight between Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Green, representatives from Colorado and Georgia, respectively. Do you know what “respectively” means sweetie? It means “following in the order already mentioned”, and it’s more “respect” that either of these two women deserve. You’ll see why in a minute.

The fight started during an interview with Lauren Boebert. Boebert was asked about Green’s support for fellow representative Kevin McCarthy’s Speakership ambitions, and Boebert responded “You know, I’ve been aligned with Marjorie and accused of believing a lot of the things that she believes in,” and her use of the word “accused” will tell you everything you need to know about the silly things that Greene believes. “I don’t believe in this, just like I don’t believe in Russian space lasers – Jewish space lasers and all of this”.

What in the world could she possibly mean? Well, her comment was a reference to a Facebook post from 2018 where Greene claimed that a “laser beam” from “space solar generators” was responsible for wildfires in California, and that “Rothschild Inc.” was somehow involved. What does she mean by Rothschild Inc.? She means the Rothschild family, who have been the target of antisemitic conspiracy theories for ages. Greene later said in an interview that she didn’t know the Rothschilds were at the center of such theories, and likely went on to say that she didn’t know that “birds were real” or that “the sun rises in the east” when the cameras stopped rolling, because she doesn’t know much of anything at all.

After Greene heard those “space laser” fighting words, she took the time to fire a few space lasers of her own at Boebert. “I’ve supported and donated to Lauren Boebert. President Trump has supported and donated to Lauren Boebert. Kevin McCarthy supported and donated to Lauren Boebert. She just barely came through by 500 votes”. The votes Greene mentioned are references to Beobert’s narrow reelection win. No offense to her actual opponent but I wouldn’t be surprised if a ham sandwich or a somewhat official-looking pigeon appeared to her constituency as better candidates for office than her.

“She gladly takes our $$$ but when she’s been asked: Lauren refuses to endorse President Trump, she refuses to support Kevin McCarthy, and she childishly threw me under the bus for a cheap sound bite,” Greene said. But remember, Marjorie Taylor Greene doesn’t need help getting thrown under a bus. She can do that quite successfully all on her own.

Boebert responded in the way that any person with a stunted sense of emotional maturity would: by taking the fight to the comments section. Boebert wrote to Greene in comments to the Daily Caller, saying that Trump has her full support as the leader of the Republican party.

It’s surprising, really, because one would think that Greene and Boebert’s political ideologies would make them fast friends. Gal pals, even! After all, they were both elected to the House at the same time in 2020, and were re-elected two years later. They’re both in the same club too! The House Freedom Caucus, which is a right-wing group that is, if anything, loud in their support of Trump. They both really just love yelling, and they even bonded over this mutual hobby when they chanted “build the wall!” during President Biden’s State of the Union address this year. One would think they’d be a match made in heaven, or at least some frozen circle of The Inferno.

The problem is, Majorie Taylor Greene is a big fan of the Republican speaker hopeful (and current House Minority Leader), Kevin McCarthy. After all, he promised her that he would put her back on certain committees after she was banned from them due to her social media ravings. Greene said that he hasn’t made any specific promises on which committees those will be, but I’m sure she’ll just be happy to be a part of anything these days. She’s probably tired of eating her paper bag lunch in the last stall of the Congressional bathroom.

Meanwhile, Boebert is not a fan of McCarthy. In remarks to Turning Point USA, she said that she would not be willing to support McCarthy unless there is a mechanism to remove him from the office of Speaker. Which is a bit like saying “Well … I’m not going to adopt this starving orphan child if I can’t un-adopt it later! There has to be accountability!” Boebert, I doubt you can account for what you had for breakfast this morning.

Greene, meanwhile, is afraid that if the entire Republican party doesn’t rally around Kevin McCarthy, the position could up going to a more “moderate alternative”. Marjorie, if a “moderate alternative” is your idea of a horrifying boogeyman, you may want to reevaluate some of your core beliefs. But that might be too much for old MTG, considering a few months ago she “accidentally” found herself to be a guest at a white supremacist event hosted by one of America’s most high-profile racists Nick Fuentes. Greene later condemned Fuentes, and said that she wouldn’t have spoken at the conference if she had known about his white nationalist views, but that she did not regret her message. That’s sort of like going to a Neo-Nazi rally and saying “Well, I don’t necessarily agree with what those boys believe, but I think I said some things they might agree with!” which is not exactly the look you want to go for if you want anyone to respect you.

In times like these, I wish that space lasers existed. When disputes like this happen, we could blast all of these people off into orbit and let them duke it out. The last survivor can have their “Speaker” title, I won’t mind. In space, no one can hear you talk anyway.

(image: Evelyn Hockstein-Pool/Getty Images)

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Jack Doyle
Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels in crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.

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