Woman hangs out with guy at the beach. Then he starts ‘negging’ her: ‘What do you mean causing me pain brings you joy’

A woman offers a PSA on what others should do when men start “negging” them. What does that entail, and why is it such a red flag?

TikTok creator Bad Astra (@bad.astra.yap) posted a video with her thoughts on the subject and a couple of examples.

“No, because I’ve genuinely just left a man right where he’s standing when I feel like I’m being negged. Like, don’t,” she says.

Bad Astra’s first example of negging, which refers to a dating manipulation tactic, was a guy she went to the beach with on a second date.

“Literally the second time we were hanging out we were at the beach and I was laying on a towel,” she recalls. 

Bad Astra was sitting with some friends, and the date was sitting behind her.

“He started flicking the back of my head, hard, it hurt,” she says. “To the point where I went, ‘Ow.’ And he did it again.”

How Does This Woman Handle a Man’s Negging?

“I immediately sat up and said, ‘Don’t [expletive] touch me again,’” Bad Astra says. “I stood up, I told my friends, ‘Hey, we’re leaving.’ And I left that [expletive] sitting right there. Because what do you mean causing me pain is bringing you joy? Really, what do you mean?”

That is a huge red flag, in Bad Astra’s opinion, and here’s why.

“If he’s comfortable causing you discomfort or pain early on, it’s only going to get worse,” she argues. “Goodbye.”

The TikToker also offers a second example. “Last weekend, I canceled a first date. Why? Because not only did this dude not really show any actual interest in me, this man Facetimed me out of nowhere,” she says. 

While some would consider that a major violation, Bad Astra wasn’t put out until they actually started conversing.

“I was talking about my place and that I have a cat,” she says. “And his only question for me was, does my apartment stink. That’s negging, babe.”

Bad Astra explains exactly why she views that question in this particular light.

“What kind of question is that?” she asks. “Why are you comfortable asking someone that question? A bold question to ask from someone who has never been invited to step foot in my apartment and will never. And two, I have never been in a man’s home where he lives alone and it smells good.”

What Should Women Do If a Man Negs Them?

In conclusion, Bad Astra says, “So, ladies, if you ever get this feeling, even inside, listen to it. Trust me. I promise you that stuff only compounds. It’s going to build resentment. It’s going to start chipping away at your self-esteem and your confidence and security in the relationship. If a man acts like that, he’s not a man, he’s a child and he deserves to be treated as such.”

In the comments section of the video, viewers weighed in on the concept of “negging” and how they personally respond to it in their dating lives.

“I also kinda hate teasing in early stages,” said one person. “Like, you don’t know me well enough to joke about me yet, to be honest.” 

Another wrote, “A potential boyfriend once said to me, ‘You can’t expect me to be nice to you 100% of the time.’ Yes, I can, Brandon. Yes, I can.”

“You are so young to have already figured it out,” a third person wrote. “So proud of you.”

@bad.astra.yap I have so many stories lol #singlelife #thatsmywhy #highstandardswomen #womanempowerment #dating ♬ original sound – bad astra

The Correlation Between Emotional and Physical Abuse

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, emotional abuse is any non-physical behavior that is intended to control, isolate, or scare an intimate partner. These behaviors, which include some that could be called negging on social media, are just as serious as other kinds of abuse. Some indicators of emotional abuse are humiliation and gaslighting.

And, yes, according to the Integrative Life Center, there is a strong correlation between emotional and physical abuse. Abusive partners can sometimes use emotional abuse tactics to bring the victim closer to them. Once the physical abuse starts, it is then harder for the victim to break away because they are conditioned to be controlled by the abuser.

If you believe you are the victim of domestic abuse, call 800-799-SAFE or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website to get help forming a safety plan.

The Mary Sue contacted Bad Astra via TikTok comment and direct message for comment. 

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