Steve Brule (John C. Reilly) unearths the mysteries of space.

Trump’s Lawyers Argue He’s Just Like Galileo in Official Court Filing

A true "crackpot theory," boys.

Some men chart the earth’s revolution around the sun. Others stare directly into it.

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Fascination with the sun is just about all Galileo and Donald Trump have in common, albeit for different reasons. However, Trump’s lawyers (or, as we call them in SoCal, D-Listers) are determined to stretch this particular tarp as far as they can. In a recent court filing related to Trump’s ongoing efforts to sue Twitter for banning him, they had this to say about their client:

Crackpot ideas sometimes turn out to be true. The earth does revolve around the sun, and it was Hunter Biden, not Russian disinformation agents, who dropped off a laptop full of incriminating evidence at a repair shop in Delaware. Galileo spent his remaining days under house arrest for spreading heretical ideas, and thousands of dissidents today are arrested or killed by despotic governments eager to suppress ideas they disapprove of. But this is not the American way.

Full transcript here.
A two-panel cartoon featuring a frowning person looking very disgruntled with their arms crossed in the first panel, followed by them throwing their hands in the air and yelling "I GUESS" in the second
(K.C. Greene via Know Your Meme)

I mean I hate that we even have to dignify this with a response but first of all, what these lawyers are describing absolutely is the American way if you’re a normal person standing on the ground. It was the American way from the beginning. It’s how America deals with people trying to make the country a better place, not the freaks who spend too much time in internet conspiracy corners. That’s the America most of us know, which we benefit very little from, unlike Trump.

Second of all, I hate to break it to you guys, but your performance isn’t good enough to merit even a guest appearance on a History Channel soap opera. This reads like an eighth-grade poli-sci report where you’re forced to take a side and make a case for it, and being an eighth-grader, all you can do is pull scenes from a hat. Come on, nerds, surely you can do better than this.

Or maybe you can’t. Maybe you stared too long at the sun yourselves.

And speaking of the sun, that wasn’t a crackpot theory from Galileo. I know it’s bad journalism to LOL in your own posts, but come on, lol. Good lord. If Galileo’s intensive charting of the stars to reach a scientific conclusion is what’s technically considered a “crackpot theory,” then it’s also a “crackpot theory” that dinosaurs existed. No guys I swear, those bones in the museums are real, I know this is a real crackpot theory but I think the archaeologists were onto something!!!

Just give it a rest, you goons, take an aspirin like the rest of us. Your heads are clearly not going to better use.

(via Rolling Stone, featured image: Adult Swim)

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Madeline Carpou
Madeline (she/her) is a staff writer with a focus on AANHPI and mixed-race representation. She enjoys covering a wide variety of topics, but her primary beats are music and gaming. Her journey into digital media began in college, primarily regarding audio: in 2018, she started producing her own music, which helped her secure a radio show and co-produce a local history podcast through 2019 and 2020. After graduating from UC Santa Cruz summa cum laude, her focus shifted to digital writing, where she's happy to say her History degree has certainly come in handy! When she's not working, she enjoys taking long walks, playing the guitar, and writing her own little stories (which may or may not ever see the light of day).