10 God-Awful Movie Remakes that No One Asked For
Every once in a while, a visionary director comes along with a bold new interpretation of an old classic. Like a fresh voice singing an old jazz standard, these exceptional artists can recontextualize a masterpiece for the modern era, preserving the original’s artistic legacy and enriching contemporary culture. These 10 films? The only legacy they create is a lingering stench, and the only thing they could ever enrich is the bottom of a garbage can. To paraphrase a certain art critic from SpongeBob SquarePants, some remakes are bold and brash, others belong in the trash. These 10 god-awful remakes that no one asked for belong in the latter category.
Ghost in the Shell (2017)
Mamoru Oshii’s Ghost in the Shell is one of the greatest sci-fi films of all time. It’s a triumph of animation combining heady existential philosophy with heart-pounding action sequences that give Blade Runner run for its… blade? You get what I mean. But Rupert Sanders’ God-awful live-action remake once again proves that Hollywood doesn’t understand the first thing about anime. One would think they would have learned their lesson with the ocular tragedy that was Dragonball Evolution, but one would be wrong. The Ghost in the Shell remake fails to capture the majesty and melancholy of the original; it’s a bland action remake hinging around a bankable star. And speaking of that bankable star, what casting director thought it would be a good idea to cast Scarlett Johansson as the originally Japanese character Motoko Kusanagi? The unnecessary whitewashing only made this bad film worse.
Psycho (1998)
Honestly, I wish I had the confidence, nay, the audacity of Gus Van Sant. Imagine the kind of self-aggrandizing delusion it takes to put out a shot-for-shot remake of arguably the greatest psychological thriller ever made. What I don’t understand is how Van Sant could have possibly thought redoing an Alfred Hitchcock classic would result in anything but a cinematic train wreck. Granted, the film isn’t atrocious; it’s still Psycho, after all. But the prevailing question on everyone’s mind while watching this remake is a collective “why?” Psycho didn’t need to be remade. The original said everything it needed to say without the addition of real nudity, red blood, and voyeuristic masturbation from Norman Bates. If you’re going to remake something, why not reinterpret a title that never got a fair shot? Something underground and underrated, not, you know, one of the greatest movies of all time? Anything else is a setup for failure, and this movie was a failure indeed.
Rollerball (2002)
Rollerball isn’t just one of the worst remakes of all time; it’s one of the worst movies of all time. Listen, the original Rollball isn’t exactly the pinnacle of cinema. At best, it’s a serviceable sci-fi that makes some decent points about the dystopian rise of corporate control in society, and how the human population might just be depraved enough to make motorcycle death Quidditch the planet’s official sport. While John McTiernan’s heart was in the right place reinterpreting this film, the same can’t be said about his head. Paranoid about protecting this unsalvageable film, he ended up wiretapping one of Rollerball‘s producers, a decision that landed him in prison. With its shlocky action, incoherent editing, and total lack of the original’s sociopolitical awareness, this film was doomed well before the whistle was blown (or however the beginning of a Rollerball game is announced).
Point Break (2015)
What was the point of remaking Point Break? To bring me to my breaking point? If so, the 2015 remake was a 10/10 success. The original 1991 film, the story of an FBI agent who infiltrates a group of surfer bank robbers, is a laughable idea on paper. But in its final execution, the film was a surprisingly poignant story of friendship with some impressive action sequences thrown in. Hollywood got away with this ridiculous story once; why do it again? The answer? Money. With almost four times the budget of the original, the 2015 Point Break aimed to become a standout action blockbuster. Rather than hanging ten into critical and commercial success, the film was a total wipeout. The remake’s suped-up action sequences are impressive, but the film lacks the surprisingly tender heart of the original. Unless it comes to riding waves, bigger isn’t always better. In this case, bigger was bogus. And when it came to matching the character depth of the original film, the remake really cowabungled.
Jacob’s Ladder (2019)
Adrian Lyne’s Jacob’s Ladder is one of the most underrated horror films of the 21st century, a masterclass in psychological dread and paranoia. While this cult-classic original didn’t make much of a pop-cultural splash upon first release, the remake barely made a ripple — really just floated there belly-up in the pond. With no name recognition to at least get butts in seats, the film was a total commercial failure. Critically, it didn’t fare much better. While the original is a terrifying exploration of the lingering effects of PTSD, the remake plays out more like a family drama. All the stomach-churning, “why does that homeless man have tenacles” horror of the original is gone, replaced with a story that feels like it should have been marketed as an entirely separate film. It’s like if they made a movie about setting a Dallas-based chainsaw factory on fire and calling it The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Close to the theme of the original, but no cigar.
Ben-Hur (2016)
Timur Bekmambetov’s Ben-Hur actually is a remake of a remake. The first Ben-Hur was a “meh” 1925 silent film, then it was reinterpreted as one of the greatest films of the 20th century. Running in the opposite critical direction to William Wyler’s 1959 masterpiece, the 2016 version became one of the worst films of the 21st century. Wyler’s version is a four-hour epic featuring breathtaking chariot racing, thought-provoking spiritual themes, and pulse-pounding queer undertones. Bekmambetov’s version? It’s got a third of the things that Wyler’s had (the action), and those action sequences are only a third as good. Considering the standouts of Bekmambetov’s movie resume include Wanted and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, it’s safe to say that this director is unconcerned with the deeper spiritual questions and complex character motivations that permeate Wyler’s masterpiece.
City of Angels (1998)
Wim Winders’ Wings of Desire is a masterpiece of romantic fantasy, a slow burn story about an immortal angel who watches over Berlin and is seduced by the desire to live and love as a human being. Brad Silberling’s LA-based remake throws all the emotional subtlety of the original off the rooftop, replacing it with schmaltzy melodrama about Nicholas Cage falling head over wings for a heart surgeon. Cage is many things, but “angelic” is not necessarily a word I’d use to describe him. The whole film feels like a fever dream had by a Hallmark marketing executive, syrupy mushy gush. The only saving grace of this film? It’s responsible for the Goo Goo Dolls’ 1998 acoustic rock banger “Iris.”
The Wicker Man (2006)
Riding on the unintentionally comedic power of Nicholas Cage, The Wicker Man is a film so laughably bad that it actually loops back around into good. Cage’s over-the-top performance as police investigator Edward Malus is about as subtle as pillow talk through a megaphone. Screamcrying his way through the film’s nonsensical story, Cage ends up making bad movie magic with the help of some CGI bees. While it lacks the eerie artistic power that made 1973 a folk horror touchstone, The Wicker Man‘s remake is worth a watch, if only for a chuckle.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
In hindsight, there’s a certain nostalgic charm to the groundbreaking practical effects that brought these reptilian crimefighters to life back in 1990. With CGI that drags the viewer kicking and screaming into the uncanny valley, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a nightmarish reimagining of the inoffensively hokey original. The plot is thin. Banter is corny. The turtles are unintentionally terrifying. Like many reimaginings of decades-old IPs, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles feels like an uninspired cash grab, a thinly-veiled excuse to sell action figures. There’s nothing original about it; it’s just a one-dimensional action flick aimed at adolescents. Like mysterious gases rising from out of a New York City sewer, this film stinks.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
Bad horror remakes are as common as bad takes on bro podcasts. Friday the 13th. Halloween. The Nightmare on Elm Street. The Thing. The kajillion Saw sequels. Each more terrifyingly bad than the last. Yet one of the most offensive was the lackluster remake of all-time horror great The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Lacking the visceral scares and aesthetic sensibilities that made the original a nightmarish work of art, the remake attempts to make up for these shortcomings with sheer gore. Replacing suspense with sadism and eerie beauty with ugly brutality, the 2003 remake chainsaws through everything that made the 1974 version a classic.
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