The Most Powerful Fantastic Four Villains, Ranked by How Well They Could Top You.
So you like the Fantastic Four, do you? That’s kinky.
I guess you’re only a certified freak (seven days a week) if you’re into the movies. Only a true masochist would watch that garbage. But if you’re still easing your way into pain, why don’t you start with this list of the most powerful Fantastic Four villains? They love hurting people. And you probably love being hurt. I’ve even ranked them on how much pain they cause. The only problem is, these villains aren’t the type of people to stick around for aftercare after they’ve whooped your ass. But you probably won’t mind. You’ll be dead. Unless the Fantastic Four can stop them.
But can they stop the most powerful villain on this list? I’m not so sure. Let’s find out.
It’s a bad sign when you’ve got the literal devil himself at the bottom of the list. But you’ll be bottoming for him if he has anything to say about it. According to the creators he’s not the actual devil, but if it walks like a devil and sticks you with a pitchfork like the devil, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s the devil. Mephisto loves trapping the souls of humans and superheroes his dimension that just so happens to be called Hell. Again, he’s not the devil. But I’m sure he’s downright evil in the sheets.
Next on this list is Analingus – I mean – Annihilus. Either way, your ass is his. Annihilus is from the Negative Zone, which sounds like the name of an underground sex club. And you wouldn’t be far off. He spends most of his time in the Negative Zone stroking his Cosmic Control Rod. No, that is not a euphemism for his penis, he actually has a Cosmic Control Rod that he uses to… control the cosmos? He can use it to manipulate all forms of magical energy. And I’m pretty sure he’d cane you with it if you asked really nicely.
8. Ego The Living Planet
Ego The Living Planet is a old as time itself, meaning he’s been around the block wayyyyy more than most other beings in the universe. Just ask Star Lord, Ego is his dad after all. I’m sure that Ego would let you call him “daddy” too, but you definitely don’t want to misbehave while you’re on top of him. And by “on top of him” I mean on the surface of him. He’s a literal planet. He can manipulate matter and energy on his surface as he sees fit. Meaning he could turn the nice meadow that you’re romping in into the bottom of the ocean in seconds flat. That’s enough power to make anyone wet.
Thanos’s reputation preceeds him. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past decade, you know who Thanos is. He’s the guy who topped half the universe out of existence with a snap of his fingers. He’s one of the toughest foes that the Fantastic Four have ever faced, especially when he’s wearing his Infinity Gauntlet. That’s definitely gonna leave gauntlet shaped mark on your bare ass.
6. Kang The Conqueror
Kang The Conqueror can conqueror anything if you know what I mean. He’s a scientist from thousands of years in the future who sent himself back into the past in order to use his superior technology to rule the world. All worlds. Kang can even send out time travel copies of himself in order to conquer different worlds in different eras of their existence. I’m sure he could send a trio of them your way for a Fantastic Foursome. Or Infinitysome. He’s got a lot of selves running around.
Galactus is also known as the Devourer of Worlds. Needless to say, I’m pretty sure he’s gonna rock yours. He devours planets in order to feed on their cosmic energy and stay strong. When Galactus is well fed, not even the primordial Celestials can bring him down. Luckily for the Four, they met Galactus when he was weak and starving. I’m sure you’ve got a couple ideas of other things he could feed on, don’t you?
4. Molecule Man
Molecule Man isn’t really a man at all. He’s an infinity of man spread across an infinity of universes? Hopefully that should be enough man for you, but one can never be sure. Molecule Man has the ability to manipulate objects on the mollecular level (shocker), so he is able to able to obliterate molecular structures with only a thought. He could melt your clothes (or your skin) right off of you. Luckily, the Fantastic Four were able to convince MM to convert to the side of good and battle evil beings like Galactus. Nothing beats watching two daddies fight over who gets to punish you, right?
3. The Beyonder
The Beyonder is an omnipotent being in the Marvel Universe. He exists outside of time and space, and is able to create and destroy universes at will. He beat Galactus with barely any effort at all. He once teleported all the Earth’s superheroes to another planet and made them fight because he was bored. I’m sure you could think of a couple ways to entertain him. Because if you don’t, I’d hate to see what his boredom makes him do next.
2. Dr. Doom
Dr. Doom is the ultimate Fantastic Four villain. While he’s not as intrinsically powerful as the other villains on this list, his superior intellect is the thing that sets him apart. This guy was able to steal The Beyonder’s power. That basically means he can outwit God. He even styles himself as God Emperor Doom, and his first order of business was ripping out Thanos’ spine with his bare hands. He then altered reality to make the Fantastic Four his family (except for Reed Richards). This guy is devious. I’m sure that you two could get up to some truly diabolical stuff.
1. The Writers of The Fantastic Four Movies
No villain on this list has done the Fantastic Four dirtier than the guys who wrote the movies. I’m talking of course of The Fantastic Four from 2005 and the sequel from 2007. They’re just bad movies. Naughty. Filthy. Despicable movies. Just imagine the kind of sick things they could dream up with you in the bedroom. Be careful what you wish for though, because you might never look at yourself the same way again.
(Featured image: 20th Century Fox)
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