The cast of the Fantastic Four reboot

If You’re Into BDSM, You’re Going to Love Watching the ‘Fantastic Four’ Movies in Order

Okay, so, I’ve been asked to write an article about how to watch The Fantastic Four movies in order. I’ve been asked, apparently, because people are googling it. Perhaps, you have found this article because you were googling it. And look, I’m going to answer this question because you need it answered. I mean, you want to find out how to watch the Fantastic Four movies in order and it’s what I’m paid to tell you, so I will. But before I do, I have to ask one simple question.

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Are you okay?

Sincere question, are you doing alright? Because what you’ve asked, that’s like asking me in what order I think you should be punched in the face, kicked in the groin, and then stabbed in the foot. That’s like asking me if I should pull your canine teeth out first or your molars. That’s like asking me in what order I think you should be pissed, spat, and shat on. I can give you one, but seriously, wouldn’t you rather watch some better bad movies? Why do you want to do this to yourself? Is it a kink thing? I’d understand if it is. Really, no shame. I just don’t think I’ve ever had to inform someone of how to do something so specifically masochistic that it deserves its own category on Pornhub. Like I feel like a sadist just telling you these answers because I know you’re actually gonna do it. You’ve made me an unwilling participant in your freaky little Four kink and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

But I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do about it. I’m gonna do my job.

*puts on a latex bodysuit and grabs a riding crop*

Alright worm, you want me to fill your filthy little mind-hole with the garbage that is the Fantastic Four movies? Fine.

*cracks crop*

Listen up you Fantastic Whore. First, you’re going to dust off that dirty little DVD player that I know you still have. And then you’re going to whip out the disk for (1) Fantastic Four from 2005 and slide it in that DVD player. Then feast your piggy little eyes on that trash.

*cracks crop*

Next, you’re going to crawl on your hands and knees under your bed and you’re going to find your copy of (2) 2007’s Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer on Blu-ray (because I know you spent the extra money to get a Blu-ray player to indulge in you sick kicks) and you are going to watch it. Then I’m going to pause it whenever I feel like throwing up and you are going to grovel and beg me to press play again.

*cracks crop*

Louder.

*cracks crop*

I SAID “LOUDER” YOU LITTLE FILTH JOCKEY.

Now I know you’ve been waiting for this one. Just aching for it, haven’t you? The last of this horrible little trilogy. Yeah? Is that what you want? I don’t believe you.

*crack*

That’s better. Now, I want you to go on the Disney Plus account that is registered in your mother’s name and I want you to find (3) Fantastic Four from 2015. And I want you to call your mother while you do it and beg her for forgiveness. No? Is that too hard? You’d rather just sneak around? Hide your filthy little kink from everyone you love? What would they think of you if they knew this is the kind of putrid detritus that you fill your little eye holes with? They would be disgusted. BUT NOT AS DISGUSTED AS ME. NOW WATCH IT.

*credits roll*

Was that good for you, hun? Did I go too hard? Oh… you want me to go even harder next time? God, you really are a little glutton for punishment. Fine, we’ll watch Suicide Squad next time.

(featured image credit: Marvel)


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Author
Jack Doyle
Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.