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Pro-Trump Social Media Platform Pivots to … Anti-Vax Sperm Sales?

Possibly the most legendary business pivot ever

a man wears a bright green shirt reading "unvaccinated"

Well, this is a bit of fun news. I’m happy to report that the conservative Trump-aligned social network Gettr has become such a shambles (JK, it was always that way) that its executives are rumored to be working on the platform’s next moves as a business. Why am I happy? I will tell you, gentle reader. The management of Gettr has apparently jumped the shark so freaking high and far that it seems the company’s best, most profitable move may be to pivot from an ultra-right social media platform, all the way over to online marketplace for unvaxxed sperm.

I love a good serious-conservative-gathering-place-turned-sperm-auction-site story, don’t you? It’s just that I remember when the big news about Gettr, founded in 2021, was that it was accidentally becoming a safe haven for pro-Isis extremists. And that was funny in a very serious very not-funny ironic way. But Gettr losing key staff, like the founder, Jason Miller, and potentially becoming a bespoke jizz store is funny in a fun funny-haha way, and I for one support that positive development.

High-level talks about the budding new version of the platform include the major detail that all sperm on the site would come from people who have never received any version of a COVID-19 vaccination or booster, and there would need to be some sort of “testing requirements,” according to reporting by Rolling Stone. Reporters for the magazine describe speaking to four unnamed sources on the condition of anonymity about the switch to, ahem, an online marketplace. 

“Gettr isn’t a serious place anymore, particularly after Jason [Miller] and other staffers recently left. It isn’t shocking that these ideas are being thrown around. People who are still there want Gettr to make money, but it’s just insane brainstorming to figure out how,” one source reportedly told Rolling Stone. “It’s just so embarrassing, man” added another.

It’s “the most ludicrous fucking thing to come out of pro-Trump social media in a long time, and that is saying something,” another source contributed. And that is indeed saying a lot. I have an important moral rule for myself as a journalist which I will describe to you now: Any time I am able to reasonably get away with bringing up the unendingly hilarious Trump 2020 news conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping I will do it. And now is one of those times. 

Countless times has Trump or his team done or said something so laughably stupid or horrible that we want to laugh ruefully. But rarely do we get to simply laugh with glee at ridiculous but harmless antics associated with him. The time we assume someone on his team accidentally scheduled a majorly important, front-facing news conference at the wrong Four Seasons is the only other recent time I have felt similar glee to the happiness and laughter I’m feeling at the news of Gettr probably becoming a spooge store. Good day.

(via Rolling Stone, featured image: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

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