So you wanna make it the horror movie business, do ya? Take notes from a studio exec like me.
I’ve seen your type before. Fresh out of film school with all these “ideas” about what makes a good horror film. Your professors told ya it’s gotta have “themes,” “social commentary,” and a “point of view,” didn’t they? Maybe you bought into the A24 schtick and decided that horror needs to be elevated or it ain’t horror at all? Well, here’s my point of view. A good horror film makes MONEY. LOTS OF MONEY. LIKE THESE FILMS. THEY MADE MORE MONEY THAN GOD. That, my friend, is the ultimate horror. Doesn’t get much more cosmically terrifying than that.
So if you wanna learn how to bankrupt the heavens above, take a gander at these films. Maybe you’ll actually learn something this time. *Smokes cigar made with $100 bills*.
Hannibal (2001)
Remember The Silence of The Lambs? So does the box office. That movie made BOATLOADS of money. In light of the original’s success, the studios did what studios do best and greenlit a bunch of sequels to squeeze all the money they could out of that cash cow. Lamb. Whatever. Ridley Scott’s Hannibal is set 10 years after the original Silence of the Lambs. The escaped serial killer Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins) has returned to America, and FBI Agent Clarice Starling (Julianne Moore, subbing in for Jodie Foster) has to track him down. In the process, she found a worldwide gross of $351,692,268 big ones.
The Nun (2018)
The Conjuring franchise is the most successful horror franchise ever made. Those movies have made $2,296,243,448. In case you didn’t learn math in film school, that’s over two BILLION dollars. It’s practically the MCU of horror. Suck on that, Saw. Director Corin Hardy’s The Nun decided to further break the already broken bank. Set in Romania, a priest (Demián Bichir) with a haunted past and a nun (Taissa Farmiga) journey to Romania to investigate the death of another nun. There they meet a demonic nun (Bonnie Aarons) hellbent on destroying them. Which one is The Nun? All of them? Nun of them? Let the film school kids discuss. All I’m concerned about is the $365,550,119 this movie made worldwide. A sequel, The Nun II, hit theaters this month.
Prometheus (2012)
Director Ridley Scott strikes again! The director who launched the Alien franchise puts on the beret and picked up the megaphone once more to direct one of the bajillion spin-offs spawned by that original space-age horror flick. Starring Michael Fassbender, Noomi Rapace, and Charlize Theron, Prometheus delves into the origins of the xenomorph menace, as a team of scientists discover a proto-version of the species on a distant planet. They find death along with it. The studio found $403,354,469.
Signs (2002)
Remember when M. Night Shyamalan made good movies? So do studios, wistfully. Signs is the story of a former priest turned farmer (Mel Gibson) who begins to see “signs” of an alien invasion. First in the form of crop circles, then in a grainy home video taken from some poor kid’s birthday party. The studio probably threw a better party, considering this little film made $408,247,917.
The Exorcist (1973)
Hey, look! William Friedkin’s The Exorcist is one of those film school movies with “themes” and “symbolism” that you love so much! The Exorcist was the first horror film EVER to be nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. It’s the story of a little girl (Linda Blair) who gets possessed by an ancient Assyrian demon named Pazuzu. What does it zu/do? Oh, nothing, just makes her head do a 360-degree spin and she vomits pea soup everywhere. I’m sure the studio execs did the same thing when they found out this picture made $441,306,145. And that’s WITHOUT being attached to any other franchise. For a standalone horror flick, that sure is impressive.
It Chapter Two (2019)
Andy Muschietti’s It: Chapter Two did it wrong. The sequel made less money than the original film! What gives? How could you possibly mess up a Stephen King story? The man is a living gold mine! It Chapter Two follows up where the first film left off, showing the final confrontation between the now-adult group of losers from Maine and a transdimensional clown monster. I’m not being mean. They actually call themselves “The Losers”. The only thing this film didn’t lose was money. It made $473,093,228.
World War Z (2013)
Marc Forster’s World War Z taught us one thing: a zombie story with Brad Pitt’s face slapped on it is a recipe for success. The film is about a United Nations employee racing to stop a worldwide zombie phenomenon. Speaking of worldwide phenomena, this film made $540,007,876 around the planet. Numbers you can really sink your teeth into.
I Am Legend (2007)
Remember how I said Brad Pitt + zombies = $$$? Well, Francis Lawrence’s I Am Legend taught us that Will Smith + zombies = $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. This film centers around a scientist (Smith) who is the last surviving person of a vampire-zombie outbreak in New York City. He and his dog are racing to find a cure. Speaking of dogs, don’t watch this one if you’re a fan of them. I guess the $585,349,010 this movie made proves that a lot of people aren’t dog people.
The Sixth Sense (1999)
Haley Joel Osment sees dead people, but I see NUMBERS BABY. The Sixth Sense is M. Night Shyamalan’s highest-grossing horror film, and the second-highest-grossing horror picture EVER. It’s about some snot-nosed kid who sees dead people and his friendship with a psychologist (Bruce Willis) who decides to give him therapy or whatever. Who needs therapy when you’ve got $672,806,292?
It (2017)
Is it a surprise that a Stephen King story is the highest-grossing horror film of all time? They don’t call him the King of Horror for nothing. Andy Muschietti’s It may be the best in-theater horror movie experience ever made. It’s about a group of kids who decide to save their town from a demented clown monster that preys on their worst fears. It’s got everything a horror movie fan could ever want! Horror! Humor! Heart! It’s the greatest horror flick of all time! What’s that? You wanna argue? Oh, I’m sorry, I bet you think it’s Hereditary or something because of its themes and its metaphors. I got a metaphor for you: It is GOLD. $700,381,759 worth of it!
(featured image: Warner Bros)
