Crunchyroll, you owe me money.
Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, Crunch. You’ve got a class action lawsuit against you for stealing people’s information and selling it to Facebook. You thought you could just Zuck us over and we would never find out? Well, guess what, Mr. Roll. WE FOUND OUT. And now you have the AUDACITY to demand that I pay YOU to stream anime? You should be paying ME.
So how ’bout it, Crunchy?
What’s this? You’re giving me options about how much I have to pay you to let you steal from me? That’s rich. I can see that you’ve organized them into subscription tiers. I hate to break it to you, Mr. Roll, but tiers are for ranking waifus and husbandos only. If you expect me to shell out for you now, that’s a God-tier joke.
Tier 1: Free
Oh great, you’ve got a free plan. At least I don’t have to pay you to steal from me. How considerate. What do I get in return? Oh never mind, it looks like I get NOTHING. Just a tiny little sliver of all the anime titles that you’re hoarding like a dragon hoards gold. I HOPE IT TURNS TO RUST IN YOUR HANDS.
Tier 2: Fan
Fan? That’s rich. But here’s the thing Crunchyroll, I’m NOT rich. I don’t want to have to shell out $7.99 for the privilege of you robbing me. What’s that? At least I get ad-free access to all of your titles? You drive a harder bargain the Hulu, I’ll give you that. But at least Hulu doesn’t fleece me while I watch their boring ads.
Tier 3: Mega Fan
Oh cute, for $9.99 a month you get to rob me AND my friends. With your “Mega Fan” subscription, I can watch anime on up to four different devices. Me and three other anime lovers can watch shows at the same time. I can get Zucked in a foursome with my friends. The joke’s on you, Crunch. I don’t HAVE any friends. At least this this subscription I can watch anime offline, so Zuckerberg can’t get his greasy hands on me.
Tier 4: Ultimate Fan
Let me get this straight, you wanna charge me $14.99 a month for your digital manga library, offline viewing, and six streams at the same time? AND you’re gonna give a “swag bag” every year? I hope it’s full of lube, so at least I can be comfortable while you’re Zucking me. What’s that? And I get access to exclusive merch? And $25 off from a $100 purchase from your store every three months? I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE. YOU’RE LOVE BOMBING ME. AND I’M NOT GONNA FALL FOR IT. ZUCK YOU.
(Featured Image: Crunchyroll)
