comScore Donald Trump Opens "Office of the Former President" | The Mary Sue

Donald Trump Opens “Office of the Former President” To Make Noise After Social Media Ban

"Former president" just hits so good, you know?

Donald Trump looks sad while playing golf.

It’s been 6 days since Donald Trump left office, and already the skies are bluer, the air is cleaner, and our skin has never looked better. But despite being banned across several social media platforms (including his beloved Twitter), Trump was bound to find an outlet. Enter the “Office of the Former President”, which was launched Monday in Palm Beach, Florida. The office will oversee all activities and communications from Trump in his new post-presidency life.

A spokesperson for the OOFP (an onomatopoeia for the sound my brain makes every time Trump does anything) released a statement saying, “The office will be responsible for managing President Trump’s correspondence, public statements, appearances and official activities to advance the interests of the United States and to carry on the agenda of the Trump administration through advocacy, organizing and public activism. President Trump will always and forever be a champion for the American people.”

Presumably, Trump’s new mouthpiece will release statements regarding Trump’s upcoming impeachment trial in the Senate, which is scheduled for February 8th. Not to mention the myriad of lawsuits coming his way from both state and federal courts. The Office will likely be used to promote any rallies, merch, or grifting that Trump has planned. Many have speculated how Trump will spend his forced retirement, with rumors that he will be planning to run in 2024 or starting his own third party, or seeking revenge on the Republicans who he believes wronged him.

Still others are expecting Trump to launch his own “news” channel or take over NewsMax or OAN. Knowing Trump, it will likely be some incompetent combination of all of the above. And much like an evil(er) Tinkerbell, Trump will wither without applause and adulation. After the announcement, many took to Twitter to dunk on Trump’s attempts to remain relevant.

Who knows what lies, misspells, and batshittery will spew forth from this Hellmouth? We know it will be entirely unhinged and based in conspiracy theories and impotent rage. We look forward to mocking this office for years to come.

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Chelsea was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently lives in sunny Los Angeles, with her husband and two poorly behaved rescue dogs. She is a former roller derby girl and a black belt in Judo, so she is not to be trifled with. She loves the word “Jewess” and wishes more people used it to describe her.