I was born to be a leader of men.
When I came out of the womb, I picked up the doctor who delivered me and spanked him.
I was never toilet trained. I trained the toilet to take shit from me.
When I was twelve I gave the principle detention for talking out of turn.
I was voted was voted Prom King or Prom Queen, but Prom God-Emperor.
I don’t have student loans. The university is in debt to me.
I own three tech start ups. I have five houses. I have written 12 screenplays.
I am a black belt in every martial arts style known to man and several known to monkeys.
I am not an ESFJ. They lack discipline. I am not an INTJ. Their hubris undoes them.
I am an ENTJ. And you will remember me.
Just like you remember every single one of these characters.
Because ENTJs leave their mark on the world.
And in the hearts of men.
Learn well, and you too can achieve greatness.
And someday, you too can move out of your mother’s basement.
Like I will, someday.
Erwin Smith
Erwin Smith is a leader of men. Have ever seen Erwin Smith cry? No, but if he did, they would be burning, manly tears that leave scorch marks upon the face of the earth. Erwin Smith did not command his men from the battlements, like a cowardly general or foolish king. Erwin Smith gave a command and saw to its completion personally. Erwin Smith leads every charge. Erwin Smith was attacked by a Titan and dragged off his horse in the heat of battle. Did he order his men to retreat? Did he beg to be saved? No, while his arm was being crushed in the jaws of a titan, he commanded his men to move forward. This is not exemplary behavior. This is the behavior to be expected of a leader. A commander. A sovereign. Erwin Smith is willing to fight and die alongside the soldiers in his army. And his soldiers are willing to ride into hell and return with the devil’s smoking innards on a platter of silver if Erwin Smith so commanded it. But they would have no need, because Erwin Smith would be the first man through those sulfurous gates to disembowel Lucifer himself. Erwin Smith has never fought the devil, but he did face the Beast Titan. He rode headlong into death with his soldiers on a suicide mission in order to give humanity’s greatest warrior, Captain Levi, an opening to destroy the Beast Titan. The gambit failed to kill the monster. Erwin lost his life, but died a hero. Humanity’s greatest warrior. Always in our hearts. Always welcome in my mother’s basement.
Griffith
Griffith is a leader of men. Yet he is unfit for command. He has a commander’s warlike mind, a king’s sense of diplomacy, yet he has the devil’s heart. As a small boy he dreamed of attaining power. Royalty. As a teenager he assembled a small army of well trained and well commanded mercenaries. He did this through fighting many years worth of hard won battles, and by selling his body to a lustful lord to finance his army. As a young man he commanded the greatest mercenary force in all of the Kingdom of Midland. He has unparalleled levels of charisma, and is achieves whatever goal he holds in his mind. Yet after making a foolish decision that leaves his body broken, he sacrifices his men to the demonic hordes in order to heal his body and attain power. He is the dark version of Erwin Smith. Griffith will convince his men to ride into the mouth of hell with him, and then he will leave them there. Were he a man in the real world, I would have his pretty head mounted on a spike in my mother’s basement.
Roy Mustang
Roy Mustang does not lead armies, but rather prefers to command smaller teams of crack soldiers in order to achieve his goals. He is a wise man who plays the fool, often pretending to be lazy and lascivious so his enemies underestimate him. Do not be fooled, his blood bleeds gold like the blood of the ancient warrior kings. He is one of the fiercest fighters in all of the Kingdom of Amestris. He is shrewd, calculating, and strong of will. He burns fiercely in the hearts of men, just as the flames he commands. Indeed, were he a real man, I would watch any movie he recommends. I would buy whatever sort of crypto coin he creates. And I would allow him to lead me in the DnD campaign that I hold weekly in my mother’s basement.
Satsuki Kiryuin
Satsuki Kiryuin is a leader of men, albeit men who have just recently begun to grow hair on their faces and find members of the opposite (or same) sex attractive. She is a Teenage Queen. A Sixteen Year Old Sovereign. She is an Empress of Those In The Early Stages Of Sexual Development. She is the president of the student council at Honnoji Academy. She is proud and warlike, and commands her school and the town that supports it with the ruthless efficiency of those well beyond her years. She does not lead every charge, rather she commands her subordinates to quell unruly dissenters while she attends other business. However she is unafraid to get her hands dirty, and is a force to be reckoned with in combat. I am proud to say that have her in body pillow form on the futon in my mother’s basement.
Saber (Artoria Pendragon)
Saber is the ultimate leader of men, for she is King Arthur of Legend. She wields Excalibur, The Sword of Kings. She is a strong and brave sovereign who does not condescend to those she commands, but rather lifts them up to her level. A fierce warrior, she excels in combat, and possesses wealth of tactical knowledge that she employs to defeat her foes. However, she also possesses the decorum to speak with her enemies on diplomatic terms, and is even able to share drink with them. Most notably, she does not govern with an iron fist, but rather she rules with just compassion. I have built many a stout pillow fort in my mother’s basement. Indeed, I have just finished the construction of my fifth. The greatest of them all. Made from strong yet pliant cushions from the big red couch. I own three of these fortress, and indeed my Satsuki Kiryuin body pillow holds her queenly seat in the fourth. If Saber were indeed real, I would bestow upon her the last of these great towers. And we shall usher in a thousand year reign of peace and prosperity in my mother’s basement.
(Featured image credit: Ufotable)
