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Behold, I Have Created the World’s First Trump Cards Tarot Divination System

Donald Trump as a superhero. From the Trump Cards NFT collection.

Today, December 15, 2022, President Donald J. Trump has changed the world: He has given us Trump NFTs. Yes, after Trump promised a “MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT” for today, he gave America $99 Donald Trump digital trading cards. And yes, they look terrible. Hooray.

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Trump Cards cost $99 a pop and show the twice-impeached president in a wide range of scenes, from golfing in a sweater vest to ripping his shirt open to reveal a superman-esque uniform with lasers shooting out of his eyes. Great stuff.

Now, at this point, the Tarot practitioner inside me had an idea: What if we could create a divination system out of Trump Cards? Practically anything can be turned into a chance-based communication device if you try hard enough. And thanks to a full-time salary, work has allotted me two hours of my precious time to do just that.

I’ve taken a few of the Trump Cards available on the Trump Cards website and read into their underlying message to create my brand new Trump Tarot divination system. You can put these to use in a past/present/future spread, pull them one at a time, or do whatever you like, really. Just please, please don’t buy an actual Trump Card.

The Sheriff

Donald Trump as a Sheriff.

You are the law and order candidate. Don’t pay attention to all the ongoing lawsuits that suggest otherwise. You’re the man, and justice is in your hands. Go deploy it, no matter the cost to others (including yourself).

The Astronaut

Donald Trump as an astronaut.

You’ve traveled to great heights and you’ve never prevented yourself from shooting straight with the hard-hitting questions. Questions like, “why can’t NASA just go to Mars instead of the Moon?” Don’t stop now. No thought is too stupid to be left unuttered when you’re Donald Trump.

The Top Gun

Donald Trump as a pilot.

If The Astronaut is about ambition, then The Top Gun is about putting your ideas into action. Why not tell Homeland Security that they should drop a nuclear bomb into a hurricane? What about putting disinfectant into your body to kill the coronavirus? Other, far more intelligent people may stop you from putting your stupid ideas into action. But try hard enough—and change your cabinet around enough times—and eventually you’ll have America drinking bleach to stop the microchip from infecting their brain.

The Dow

Trump in front of The Dow. From the Trump Cards collection.

You’re riding high off success—the success of your predecessor’s economic policies, which you’ve inherited. But go on, take responsibility for all the good numbers. No one will notice you’re a total fuck-up until the next guy comes in.

The Gold Bars

Donald Trump in front of gold bars, smiling.

Fortune and wealth is coming your way—as long as you keep ignoring all those millions in untold debts. Keep avoiding reality, and keep rotating through your legal team. It may not feel like it now, but good luck will arrive. Eventually.

The Golfer

Donald Trump golfing.

Golfing is hard work. It takes time, energy, and persistence to keep at it. That’s why Donald Trump spent over 300 days hitting the green during his presidency, according to the Seattle Medium.

All that hard work comes at a great cost—to the taxpayer, of course. How much is unclear. Trump Golf Count claims we’ve footed the bill for over $140 million in Trump’s golfing affairs, whereas Washington Post’s Philip Bump estimates $64 million. No matter. $10 or $100 million, why pick up the tab when someone else can? Keep up at that passion project, and let everyone else clean up your mess.

The Superstar

Trump in front of Hollywood, except it says 'Trumpworld.'

You’ve been in a lot of movies over the years—enough to have your own filmography page on Wikipedia. You’re also a bully for the spotlight. As Home Alone 2’s Chris Columbus once recounted, the President only allowed the crew to film in The Plaza Hotel once they agreed to put Trump in the film.

You use power and money to strong-arm your way into fame and glory, then you convince yourself that all of it was accomplished by your hard-earned skill. You should reflect on this a bit. But then again, you’re Donald Trump, so we’re not expecting that to happen.

The Footballer

Donald Trump with a football.

It’s game day. But you’ve come woefully unprepared for the sport in question. Sure, you’ve got your “45” hat and your “45” football, proudly shown off while standing at the 45-yard-line. But where’s your protective helmet? Where are your shoulder pads? Your flights of fancy may bring you enjoyment now, but the difficult task at hand (playing football without safety gear) will soon be your downfall (a concussion).

The Racer

Donald Trump with a race car about to hit him from behind.

Can Donald Trump drive a vehicle? Based on that time the President was in the big truck, it seems unlikely. In fact, one has to wonder whether Trump has any basic knowledge of motor vehicles at all. In this Tarot card, there seem to be several race cars headed directly toward Trump, including one barreling right behind him. Uh-oh!

Like The Tower, life is about to come crashing down, most likely through several unexpected hit-and-runs or a major presidential election. You should be a bit more careful with your pride. Not that you’ll listen. You’re Donald Trump.

The Heavyweight

Trump shown as a boxing champion.

Deep down, some part of you must know that you’re a terrible boxing color commentator. You have no clue what’s going on and it’s why, when you decided to do it, you mostly talked about 9/11 and elections being rigged. But you’ve lied to yourself hard enough over the years to believe you could be an incredible boxing personality. Your narcissism and delusion may be obvious to others, but it’s motivating to you. Keep at it?

The Superhero

Trump as a superhero.

People look up to you. To be clear, it’s for bad reasons—your terrible beliefs and awful political policies. You carry a lot on your shoulders, and you’re letting it get to your head. Chances are you’re not going to listen to reason on this. You may even decide to stop your Tarot reading after hearing the slightest bit of feedback from your spread. But yeah, this NFT idea, that was a really bad one. You shouldn’t have created it, and you should feel bad if someone purchases this card.

The Hunter

Donald Trump as a hunter.

In Western esotericism, hunters are traditionally seen as patient, virtuous, and even compassionate figures. They are humble but ruthless, powerful beings who take calculated steps to corner their prey. On a successful kill, they don’t disrespect their bounty. They treat them with grace, honoring the chase and its challenge.

You, on the other hand, are loud, rambunctious, and impatient. You think you could really stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone dead without losing a vote. And to be honest, you probably could, because your fanbase has a cultish devotion to you that’s led to ongoing stochastic terrorism. There’s no real insight here. Your every deed and plan will lead to others’ harm.

The Apocalypse of Liberty

Trump in front of an apocalyptic setting. The Statue of Liberty is there.

Trump smiles and raises two thumbs in front of the Statue of Liberty and the American flag. Your dreams have been accomplished—but at what cost? The New York Harbor has run empty. A bright flash can be seen in the distance. The apocalypse is clearly upon us. Congratulations, this is The World of the Trump Tarot deck: You have ruined the world, and you’re happy about it because it was your doing. Nice job.

The Fool

Donald Trump photoshopped to look like Lydia Tár

You purchased 45 Trump Cards, which, priced at $99 each, comes out to approximately $4,455 to attend the Mar-a-Lago Gala dinner. You may seem impressive to your Trump-loving friends, but to everyone else, you’re a fool.

(featured image: NFT INT LLC)

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Ana Valens
Ana Valens (she/her) is a reporter specializing in queer internet culture, online censorship, and sex workers' rights. Her book "Tumblr Porn" details the rise and fall of Tumblr's LGBTQ-friendly 18+ world, and has been hailed by Autostraddle as "a special little love letter" to queer Tumblr's early history. She lives in Brooklyn, NY, with her ever-growing tarot collection.

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