Bad Gamer is a new series following one woman as she tries to play her way through RPGs as the biggest asshole possible. Mild spoilers for the first few hours of DAI follow. Check out Parts 1-8 here.
Skyhold
Before I can move forward with any of this news, I return to Skyhold to report in, send soldiers on more missions and judge a prisoner of the Inquisition or two.
Judging prisoners is probably the weirdest part of this job. Sitting in judgment of these people, sending them to their fates in front of an audience? Super strange. The first, Chief Movran the Under was caught attacking the building with a goat. You’re kidding me, right? This is what I’m sitting in judgment for? Apparently it is related to the killing of the Avaar tribesmen leader, who absolutely deserved to have his arse handed to him. In fact, it appears Movran is the dead leader’s father, and he really isn’t that unhappy about his son’s death. Apparently, he’s a total idiot. He yields to my judgment though he doesn’t really have a choice. I assign him to Abernache. This should be fucking hilarious. A tribesman who throws goats at walls, and a member of the Orlesian Court working alongside one another? Priceless.
Another is brought forward: Knight Captain Denam. Cullen rightly points out that even though the envy demon might have tricked him, he almost destroyed the Templars by blindly following his superior’s orders. Many Knights died as a result. Denam yells that he was only following orders. That any, Cullen included, would have done the same. Honestly, this is more of a Templar issue than anything, so I offer the Templars watching the opportunity to judge him. Denam knows the punishment will be death. I don’t really care; he deserves it.
Josephine gives me shit for Skyhold looking the way it does. We need to fix the holes in the walls and other issues if we’re to have visitors here. I feel safe here, or somewhat safer, but Josephine still remembers the way Corypheus cut our followers down at Haven and she’s hoping we won’t have to face the same situation again. She’s a fool if she thinks we’ll be spared another session like that. I ask her for a marble bath if we’re adding luxuries to Skyhold. She smirks and tells me she’ll attempt to add it to the list. How the fuck did we end up here again? How is this my life?
Western Approach
There’s sand everywhere. In my hair, my boots, my—well, you get the idea, I’m sure. Scout Harding tells me that there may or may not be a High Dragon here and that they’re not exactly sure where the Wardens are. The conditions and dangerous creatures have meant they couldn’t venture out far. I tell her that’s not much of a report. How am I meant to conduct business when I have no earthly idea what’s going on?
We venture out and find a couple of abandoned carts. They’re addressed to a man here in the Western Approach. Blackwall wonders who the heck could be out here. I’m inclined to agree. We climb a hill, round the bend and sure enough, there’s another bloody high dragon shrieking and swooping through the air.
Regardless of Scout Harding’s inability to scout, I manage to find the tower Stroud mentioned. We go inside. Sure enough, there’s a blood ritual binding and raising demons by sacrificing Warden warriors and binding the demon to Warden Mages. They’re his slaves. The man performing the ritual introduces himself: Erimond. He doesn’t really scare me. He worked with Clarel, tricked and manipulated the Wardens into following his advice. Erimond’s test of the ritual has been successful. Once the rest of the Wardens answer the call and complete the ritual, he and Corypheus will have an army at their fingertips. This is what the Envy Demon showed me back at Therinfal. This is how it begins. Erimond is more than dead, let’s be real. He attacks first. Surprisingly enough, he has control over my mark. Corypheus showed him how. What Corypheus doesn’t know, however, is that I’m learning how to control my power now. I send Erimond flying onto his arse. He orders the Wardens to kill me, then runs for safety. What a coward! After the battle, Hawke and Stroud are upset that they were right about the Wardens. They’ve really gone too far this time. Stroud argues that the Wardens meant well, but Hawke and I both agree that killing one another, regardless of their justification, is wrong. It needs to stop. I send Stroud and Hawke in the direction Erimond fled—toward Adamant Fortress.
I bump into a researcher who is absolutely overdressed for this type of weather and environment. He’s just standing by himself at a camp deeper into the sandy hills like nothing’s out of the ordinary and he’s just part of the scenery. He’s even muttering to himself. I’d like to just slip by him, but he sees us and introduces himself as Frederic of Serault. He laments having gone so long since last speaking to another person, then asks if we’re here to study the wildlife. Hardly. Kill it? Perhaps. This must be the man whose attacked carts and caravan belong to. The research and supplies must also be his—I mean, how many other researchers could be out here? I mention what we found. He’s distraught, but more so about the loss of his equipment than his fellow researchers. Charming. How cold must you be to advance the march of science? He asks for my help. Luckily, I’ve already come across his supplies in the pockets of various bandits I’ve killed, or I’d be telling him where to poke it. He’s overjoyed. Now he can put together bait for the dragon he’s been researching. Well, that is, once I’ve retrieved a few more items for him. Sorry, when did I become this researcher’s bitch? Dorian is giving me that look though—the one that suggests there might be something in it for us if we cooperate. Hell, what’s a few more fucking errands on top of everything else I have to do? So soon we’ll be off to find some intestines and feathers for this bait while Frederic stands around doing fuck all.
In the meantime, we stumble on an old camp which—from the looks of it—was previously the site of some untoward dealings. Behind a magical barrier, we find stocks facing a circular stage and various scattered notes regarding a Tranquil’s ability to commune with the spirits in the Fade. Another note outside the cave urges the long gone dwellers to ignore the Wardens and concentrate on the dragon. It’s signed by a man named Servis. I wonder what he wants with the dragon. I wonder what went on in the cave. Why is everyone involved in something they ought not to be? Doesn’t anyone learn from the hoards of dead bodies, missing people and
demons roaming through Thedas? “Oh, let’s try to communicate with the Fade because nothing bad ever happened to those who’ve tried in the past.” Idiots.
We close some fade rifts, set up camps and hand the wildlife and any bandits their arses on a plate. I’m sunburnt on the edges of my ears, I’m tired and I’ve had enough. As seems to be my general approach to everything, I end up leading us into a cave. This time, it’s below a fort—Griffin Wing Keep. We clamber up a rope out of a well and end up in the middle of the Keep. Soldiers scatter. I can only imagine what we must look like. Two Mages, one an Elf, the other from Tevinter, a hulking Qunari, and a Grey Warden. The soldiers run up the stairs as Bull yells “oh yeah”, and despite the fact that I’m overwhelmed by sheer surprise at their reaction, I’m smiling. We take the Keep as easily as annoying Cassandra.
Knight Captain Rylen is my point of contact here, and after a week has the place pretty well set up. Scouts are out actually doing their jobs and Rylen has reports ranging from issues with the water supply to the widespread bandit problem. It only we could figure out what’s creating that bloody awful sulfurous gas that surrounds us. If that wasn’t bad news enough, there’s also Darkspawn to deal with. Seriously guys, we’re trying to deal with Corypheus here. You know? Big ol’ bent on destroying us all bad guy? The Venatori had been executing tunnels by order of Servis, and somehow unearthed the Darkspawn, so now it’s apparently my job to track the source down and annihilate it. Joy!
Crestwood
Before we arrive back at Skyhold, we swing by Crestwood and check to see if Leliana’s agent, Butcher, has appeared yet. He hasn’t, so we spend the rest of the day searching for his body—let’s be honest, I’m resigned to his fate by now. We find his crumpled body pretty easily—so easily that I’m still wondering if someone placed his body here on purpose. A blood soaked set of letters lie next to him—they’re pretty illegible aside from a note regarding the discovery of who “he” actually serves. Do we mean Corypheus here? Or someone else? We head back to Caer Bronach to tell Charter the bad news. She’s certain there’s a traitor in our ranks—only the highest ranking members knew Butcher was on his way back here. That’s all we bloody need.
Skyhold
I return briefly to check in on everyone and talk to them about the Wardens’ binding ritual. We need to stop Clarel before she enacts the ritual with the rest of the Wardens. Before I can even get to the war room, three visitors stop me. They claim to have been summoned by me. All Josephine’s doing, I assume. They’re here to teach me new ways to enhance my abilities so I can tap into my power. Colour me slightly interested. The Necromancer speaks first but all I can think about his his gigantic hooked nose. Dear me. Knight Commander Helaine is next. She commands the Knight-Enchanter. I hear the words spectral blade and I’m hooked. I want to know what that looks like, what it feels like. Am I becoming addicted to power? If so, at least I’ll make a stronger leader. After all, this is what Josephine and the others want from me, right? I agree to follow Helaine’s teaching before hearing the last speaker and venture off to construct a blade for the lessons. I find the materials easily enough, return to Helaine with the blade in hand but all she does is announce I’m officially a Knight
Enchanter and leave me to it. What? How does that work? I surmise I’ll probably just have to play around with it in my next fights and pray to the Maker it doesn’t backfire.
I can’t wallow in my disappointment for long, however, as a messenger arrives to tell me Cullen wants to see me in his office. Sometimes I feel like they ought to come to me, y’know? I can sit on my plush seat, drinking wine, while they come to me to deliver reports instead of sending for me like a servant. Anyway, Cullen needs to tell me something he ought to have told me before, especially as I’m the leader of the Inquisition and all that. Uh oh, someone’s a drama queen. Cullen has stopped taking his lyrium a few months ago. He’s seemed fine, not that I’ve really been watching him closely. He doesn’t want to be part of the order anymore but hates the prospect of putting the Inquisition at risk. If he’s making idiotic decisions, Cassandra will let us know and he’ll be relieved from duty. Yeah so, what if Cassandra isn’t watching closely? What if Cullen makes a series of bad decisions while I’m out there doing their dirty work? I can’t say I approve of the situation. Cullen doesn’t want to obey the Inquisition out of blind obedience but out of his own loyalty. I’m not sure I can trust him knowing the risks he’s already taken and continued to take under personal motivation. I tell Cullen that this really isn’t the right time to be weaning himself off the lyrium. Going cold turkey when we’re relying on him to command the Inquisition’s army is stupid. He tells me he’ll keep that in mind, then goes back to work.
I summon the war council and tell them what we learned in the Western Approach. I also learn that the Mayor of Crestwood, that horrid coward who killed the refugees just because some of them had blight, has been found and brought to Skyhold. He awaits my judgment, so I make my way to the throne room. Josephine rightly points out that we only have Mayor Dedrick’s word on the matter. Can we really trust this man’s motivations? What if he did this for other means? Thinking about it even further, what does it matter? He killed so many people, then fled rather than face the consequences of his crime a decade before. He even stayed on as the Mayor, looked his people in the eye and lied to save his own skin. Fucking selfish if you ask me, even if he claims he did it to save his people. He killed their loved ones to save their lives but couldn’t face the consequences. Furthermore, how did he know no one innocent or untouched by blight weren’t also killed when he flooded the village? The only thing this man deserves is death. So, off with his head and all that while I head off for a much needed bath. Sometimes this Inquisitor lark is easy.
On the way out though, Bull catches up. He wants to show me something. My mind is immediately in the gutter, but that’s what you get for being so vague. He takes me out for a drink with a couple of the soldiers. He introduces me as Grim, tells them I don’t talk much and gives me a pointed look. I’m missing my bath for this? I roll my eyes and refuse to play along, grin and say hello. One of the soldiers wonders if we’ve met before. Bull changes the subject. I smirk. The other soldier talks about the Inquisition—how we’re not just out for Corypheus but to build the next Empire. I remind them that the Inquisitor is just one person. They want to help, they want to believe, especially after seeing me stare down the Archdemon. I can’t really believe they don’t recognize me, but maybe they’re just tired and unsure. Either way, the conversation comes to an end when Bull announces we have to find our tents. When we’re out of earshot he tells me he did this so I at least know some of my soldier’s names. To be honest, all I feel is a bit like a toddler being led by the hand.
Next time, we’ll try to deal with Erimond and the Wardens. Hopefully we can knock some sense into them!
Emma Fissenden is a writer of all trades. When she’s not pushing through her next rewrite, she’s playing too many games and editing fiction at @noblegasqrtly. You can find her on Twitter @efissenden, or check out her other series for TMS,Game Changer.
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