Finally, a Beer for People Who Like Kid Rock and Overpriced Horse Piss
Conservatives are currently waging war on beer, and Kid Rock is leading the charge. Right off a cliff. After the recent announcement that TikTok star Dylan Mulvaney would be serving as an ambassador for Bud Light, conservatives began foaming at the mouth. They were outraged that Bud Light had descended into “wokeness”; so outraged, in fact, that Kid Rock himself actually bought a few cases of Bud and lit them up with an assault rifle in a cringey Twitter video. With alcohol brands across America marketing to members of the LGBTQ community, the nation’s right wing man-children are searching desperately for a beer to guzzle while sitting alone at the bar.
And Ultra Right beer has taken up the torch.
Now what in the name of Uncle Sam’s M-16 is Ultra Right beer? According to conservative entrepreneur Seth Weathers, Ultra Right beer is the beer of choice for people who know “which bathroom to use.” (Yeah, when they vomit 12 cans of this weak, overpriced swill down the toilet.) It tastes like Kid Rock’s piss, I’m sure.
It’s brought to you by the far-right brand Freedom Speaks Up. A pity no one is listening.
What is Freedom Speaks Up?
A butt-rock cover band of Trump-loving dads? Close, but no. Freedom Speaks Up is a brand created by the aforementioned Seth Weathers in an attempt to sell freedom to your average all-American man at a hefty markup. Weathers displays his loose grasp of the concept of freedom on the brand’s website, where he defines his movement as anything that “doesn’t cave to the woke mob” or “remain silent in the face of pressure.” According to Weathers, freedom is “uncensorable” and you should be, too. That’s why he’s giving you the freedom to spend $30 on a shirt that says “eat steak, lift weights” and “screw the government.”
Weathers’ latest business venture is selling overpriced beer. And following in the footsteps of Kid Rock, he’s posted a cringe video to Twitter to do it. Weathers wanders aimlessly around a baseball field bloviating about how conservatives are “constantly being hit in the face” by the “woke mind virus” before throwing a pitch that causes his sweatshirt to hike up and reveal a beer belly of his own. He then hits a can of Bud Light off of a tee like a literal first grader before telling YOU to drink his beer? And what exactly is in this beer? According to the website, Ultra Right Beer has “only four” ingredients.
Water. Hops. Barley. Yeast.
THAT’S IT. That’s literally ALL that’s in this beer. No flavor. Nothing. Just the four basic elements that I suppose make something legally beer. And how much is he asking for a six pack of this piss-water? 20 DOLLARS. And speaking of legalities, Weathers is currently intending to send this beer to purchasers through the mail which is illegal in Illinois.
Who brews Ultra Right Beer?
Remember how I said that sending beer through the mail is illegal in Illinois? That’s important because according to the website, Ultra Right beer is BREWED IN ILLINOIS. The Reddit rumor mill is ablaze with theories as to which brewery is responsible for this travesty, along with predictions of how this gimmick is gonna blow over in two weeks anyway. In my opinion, this whole thing feels like some kind of grift. He’s illegally selling beer of dubious origin through the mail for likely five times what it’s worth. I won’t be surprised if he’s just relabeling actual cans of Bud Light and selling them off to unsuspecting yokels. After all, he learned to grift from the best conservative charlatan of them all: Donald Trump.
Seth Weathers: A Trump in training
Donald Trump and Seth Weathers go together like gum and the bottom of a shoe. After all, he served as the director of Trump’s presidential campaign in Georgia. He models his “can do” attitude after his favorite film hero: John Wayne. As if there weren’t enough red flags here. According to Weathers, he loves the fact that John Wayne is the type of man to “fight to the death” and “kill ’em all” when faced with adversity. Of course, Weathers is ignorant to the fact that his hero John Wayne was killing people in order to steal their native land, and that his hero Donald Trump has never fought his own battles in his life. While Weathers appears to be beloved by his conservative clients, he is nothing but a two-bit outlaw according to other political figures.
Weathers has made plenty of enemies. Most of them were made after one of Weathers’ clients, Tommy Hunter, called former U.S. representative and civil rights leader John Lewis a “racist pig” on Facebook. Weathers has since stood by his client. After all, he is fighting a white hats vs. black hats cowboy battle, yet he has no idea that he’s the one the wrong side. Weathers also attempted to pick a verbal gunfight with Democratic officials, unaware that he was going into said battle of wits unarmed. He has even resorted to sad attempts at sarcasm, and once asked an attorney who filed an ethics complaint about Hunter if she had passed the bar. No one laughed.
So, what all-American hole in the ground did this man crawl out of, you ask? Weathers was born in Norcross, Georgia. He spent his childhood bumming around on railroad tracks while attempting to read Reagan’s autobiography. He didn’t go to college, and instead started a web design business, where he no doubt began to learn the ropes of building the perfect site to trick backwater conservatives out of what little money they have and buy his shitty beer. He eventually wormed his way into the political world, and soon began to run the campaigns of Georgia’s Trumpiest.
Weathers currently lives with his wife and two sons, one of whom is named Rearden after a character in the Ayn Rand novel Atlas Shrugged. I wonder what he’s doing right now? Probably sitting on his recliner drinking a beer and watching the money pour in for Ultra Right beer orders. Which beer is it? I bet you anything it’s Bud Light.
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