Brad Pitt poses in a fight circle in Fight Club.

What Are LOTR’s the Undying Lands and How Do I Get In?

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Short answer: you won’t.

Oh, you want to read on? Think you’re special, huh? Okay.

Think of the Undying Lands as the most exclusive nightclub in the Tolkien universe. It’s basically Berghain for Elves, Ainur (literal gods), and a couple of really chill hobbits who pass the vibe check (and somehow Bilbo).

It’s also really hard to get to, it’s not even in Middle Earth (check the map). To get there you have to walk all the way to the western shore of Middle Earth in your kitten heels and bodycon dress and then get on a boat and cross the ocean of Belegaer only turned to get turned away by Manwe (head of the Ainur and bouncer) at the door.

And by turned away, I mean murdered. Only immortals and ring-bearers can get in, everyone else who shows up in the queue gets the ax. To the face. Trust me, girl, you don’t want to risk it. Go somewhere else instead.

I’ve heard that the well drinks at the Prancing Pony actually aren’t that bad. And if Aragorn was there then there are bound to be at least some hot people. Like one. But that’s enough, right? You could also try Rivendell, there are cute elves but to be honest, it’s kinda boring and everything closes at like 8:00. Just don’t go to the Mines of Moria, it’s totally dead there.

(featured images credit: Fox and New Line Cinema)


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Jack Doyle
Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.