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Like … What Was The War Of Wrath Again?

Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins reaches for the One Ring in Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings

Oh you don’t know?

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I’m sorry, how have you never heard of the War of Wrath? It was only Middle Earth’s hottest battle. Everyone was there. Men. Elves. Orcs. Dragons. Giant Eagles. These people. Oh and like the actual divine personifications of good and evil. I guess just you weren’t invited? Sorry. Where was it? I forgot, but you should check this map of campus, ask around. Some old dude wrote on it though. Ew. Whatever, it still works.

How’d it happen? Oh my God I can barely even remember that night. It was so crazy. It actually wasn’t a night. It lasted forty years. Wild right? Like the craziest war like … ever.

Ok so like, I think this is what happened. So there was this guy, Melkor. Well, he wasn’t really a guy, he was a sort of genderless primordial being created by the supreme diety Eru Iluvatar before Middle Earth was even a thing. But he was basically just a really hot guy. Like if Eru Iluvatar was a football coach then Melkor would be like the star quarterback. So cool. And Melkor was chill doing what his coach said for a while. But then one day he was like “ew I’m better you” and he basically quit the divine football team and changed his whole aesthetic to a more alt/goth vibe and people started calling him “Morgoth” and the name stuck.

So fast forward like a zillion years, like an Age or two, and Melkor-now-Morgoth is totally dominating Middle Earth. Like he’s got orcs and dragons and he’s totally just trying to topple and corrupt the races of elves and men and dwarves to do his bidding. Like he’s basically forming a football team of his own?And a lot of the people on Middle Earth are down for it, cause like, Morgoth is hot. And the people who aren’t down for it Morgoth is just killing. And so Morgoth’s old football team, the Valar, start totally shading the people of Middle Earth and are not down to help anyone defeat Morgoth because they think most of the people of Middle Earth have more team spirit for Morgoth than they do for the Valar. But then this half-elf hottie named Earendil (who is a mariner, basically on the rowing team) hits up the Valar one day and is like “guys, the Elves and Men think you’re dope, and we like really need your help defeating Morgoth” and the and Valar are like “oh word?” and totally join up to fight Morgoth at what’s basically about to be the biggest homecoming game Middle Earth has ever seen.

So Earendil and his squad show up at this field called Anfauglith and Morgoth rolls through with entire army of orcs and some Balrogs. And things pop off. And suddenly it’s not even football anymore, it’s all about looks. Like the armies of Men and Elves were looking so chic and sexy sparkling in the light of Valar that Morgoth couldn’t even handle it. His army was so embarrassed that they basically gave up so Morgoth calls in dragons to get his crew back on their game. And it works. It works so well that the Men and Elves and Valar are basically left in tatters like they just wearing cheap spandex the whole time and they get driven all the way back to the West (which is the western part of the Middle Earth campus). So Morgoth and his crew think they have this thing in the bag but then Earendil comes out of NOWHERE on a SKY SHIP with a bunch of GIANT EAGLES and he’s like “GET ‘EM GRRLZ!”. I don’t even know where he got a sky ship? Like didn’t even know he had a license? And so they fought in the literal sky above Middle Earth until finally Earendil confronted the head dragon Ancalagon and trashes him so bad that Ancalagon literally died. It was embarrassing.

Ok so after that Morgoth was done so he went back the East (east campus) to Angband (which was basically his dorm) but Earendil and the crew were on one and chased him down and trashed the place. Like it was too much I could not. They were so hyped up that they found Morgoth in mines of Angband (so like, the basement) and they tied him up in a chain called Angainor (idk why but they named the chain) and took him all the way back to Aman (which the is Valar part of campus in the west) and basically left him in the locker rooms. So Morgoth was like “guys can be we be chill about this?” but the rest of a Valar were like “nah” and hazed his so hard that they beheaded him. So crazy. And after that they pushed him through the Door of Night into the Timeless Void where there are no parties … like ever. And if that wasn’t embarrassing enough for Morgoth, the Doors of Night are guarded by Middle Earth’s number one hottie Earandil. Who still looks just as iconic as he did at Anfauglith to this day.

So that’s how the War of Wrath happened. I think. Idk I was kinda drunk tbh.

(featured image: New Line Cinema)

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Jack Doyle
Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels in crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.

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