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Wait, WTF Was The Second Age Of Middle Earth in ‘Lord of the Rings?’

Sauron with the ring of power

I was so wasted I literally don’t remember.

Seriously, I spent the entirety of that age sloshed. I hardly even remember the War of Wrath and that was like the biggest thing to happen on Middle Earth campus since it was founded. I was there for all of it but tbh I was kind of going through a lot back then.

Okay so for those who don’t know, the Second Age (“semester” w/e) happened right after the War of Wrath, where the Maiar dark lord Morgoth got banished from Middle Earth and now has to spend the rest of eternity (i.e. the school year) in Timeless Void. Which is basically a dorm outside reality where there are literally no parties ever. Trash.

So after Morgoth got banished (“expelled”), stuff changed on campus. Numenor, which is basically a big frat-house city where a lot of the Men live, started getting ton of new people. Population boom (so many pledges). Because of this, Numenor got super powerful. Strong military. And they started throwing all the parties. See it used to be the Elves and the Dwarves were the most powerful of the Free People (the student body) so they threw all the parties. I used to just go to elf and dwarf parties but the Numenor boys were like was like “nah those parties are for losers, come to our place” and everyone did. And honestly, those elf parties were bad (I can say that cause I’m an elf).

But then this dude Sauron showed up and ruined everything.

Okay so Sauron was like this Morgoth wannabe. He was a lieutenant in Morgoth’s army, and decided that he would pick up where the OG dark lord left off and conquer the world. Why did he want to rule the world? Some people think it’s cause he’s evil, and that’s just what evil ppl do. I think it was prolly cause he was super jealous of all the dope parties that the Men were throwing. So Sauron decides that if he’s gonna rule Middle Earth (and throw all the parties) he’s gonna need a place to have them. So he starts building a castle called Barad-dur, which is basically an evil frat house. Its name means “The Dark Fortress,” lol so emo right? But Sauron is really committed to his goth aesthetic. So committed that it takes him six hundred years to finish building his fortress. It prolly took forever cause he built it into the side of Mount Doom, a literal volcano. Pretty on brand tho.

So after Sauron finishes Barad-dur, he prolly sat down in the throne room and was like “yo I’m tired af. I don’t feel like raising an entire army to take over the world. It also didn’t really work out that well for Morgoth. I’m gonna do it an easier way“. So he teams up with this elf dude named Celebrimbor and says, “I’ve got an idea from how to make the Middle Earth parties even better,” and Celebrimbor is like, “oh word?” and Sauron is like, “yeah, just forge something super cool for all dopest Elves and Dwarves and Men and everybody is gonna want to hang out with them and party.” So Celebrimbor is like “true” and then forges the Rings Of Power and hands them out to only the coolest of the Elves and Dwarves and Men and it totally works. But Sauron had a totally evil reason for giving everyone such fly pieces of drip. He goes to Mount Doom and forges some super powerful drip in the fires inside the mountain. Like this drip is so sick that it has power over all the other rings on Middle Earth. Wild, right? He calls it the One Ring. So cool.

So of course the Elves and the Men get pissed because their drip looks weak now, and they aren’t trying to have Sauron kill their vibe. So they go to war with Sauron. And Sauron at first is totally winning because he honestly looks fierce af and all his orcs look like total baddies too. And the Elves are like “oh shit we look totally whack!” because Sauron is using the power of his drip to make their drip look cheap. But the Men are like “your drip is weak sauce!” and they rally behind their king Elendil. Elendil was made the king because he has the best drip out of all the men and he’s honestly hot af. He’s got this dope sword called Narsil he challanges Sauron to a drip-off. So Sauron and Elendil flaunt their shit, but Sauron’s drip is just so good. Like it’s too good. He looks so fly that Narsil actually looks cheap af. And to prove it Sauron breaks Narsil and Elendil is so embarrassed by his whack drip that he literally dies. Sauron thinks he’s got this thing in the bag, but the Elendil’s son Isildur grabs one of the shards of Narsil and uses it to cut off Sauron’s ring finger. So now Sauron’s drip is on the ground, and everyone sees that without his drip he actually looks cheap af now. So then Sauron gets so embarrassed that he literally vanishes.

And I think that’s the last thing that happened?

Oh wait, a lot of the Elves left for Valinor too? I’ve heard the parties there are better. I’ve never been. Tbh I’m trying to find the One Ring cause like … I want to look good, you know?

(Featured image credit: New Line Cinema)

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Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels in crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.