Things ain’t okay for ol’ Donny J. Actually, I would say “ain’t okay” is an understatement. Things are going BAD for Trump. Tragic. Abysmal. Donny Boy is facing a tsunami of indictments. Meanwhile, it seems nearly everyone on the internet is celebrating with memes.
There are so many indictments against Dumptruck Don that I’m actually starting to lose track of them! Insurrection! Racketeering! Fraud, fraud, and more fraud! Until I became aware of Donald Trump, I never realized a human being could be CAPABLE of this much crime. I’m amazed that he’s lasted as long as he has in front of the bars rather than behind them! However, as prosecutors continue to compile a metric f—k-ton of criminal cases against him, Trump’s days in the sun appear to be numbered.
So what exactly has Trump been indicted for so far? Let’s find out!
Indictment #1: Election Fraud
Prosecutors in Georgia have filed a sweeping, 98-page indictment against Trump and 18 of his cronies which accuses Fool & the Gang of 41 counts of racketeering. You know, that thing that mobsters do? Yes, the actions of Trump and his pals were so similar to organized crime rings of old that he is being prosecuted according to RICO laws. Despite Biden’s narrow win in the state, Trump and his team spread baseless claims of voter fraud and ballot tampering. They petitioned elected officials to reverse the win, and even attempted to send fake electoral college voters to Washington, D.C. According to the indictment, Trump urged the Georgia secretary of state Brad Raffensperger to “find” over 11,000 votes. What he found instead was a whole bunch of legal woes.
Total number of charges so far: 41
Indictment #2: Hush Money
Trump has been accused of working in tandem with his disgraced former lawyer Michael Cohen to falsify business records and cover up a payoff to porn star Stormy Daniels. Daniels claims that she and Trump had a sexual encounter, and that Cohen paid her $130,000 to keep quiet about it so Trump could avoid further scandals in the 2016 presidential election. After paying off Daniels, prosecutors argue that Trump reimbursed Cohen, fraudulently disguising the reimbursement as corporate legal expenses. In response, that state of New York (where the crime took place) has charged him with 34 counts of violating corporate record-keeping laws.
Total number of charges: 75
Indictment #3: The Classified Documents Debacle
Trump recently pleaded not guilty to charges that he purposefully kept highly sensitive national security documents with him after he left office, and then lied about it when officials attempted to reclaim those documents. According to the indictment, he stashed the documents at his Florida Mar-a-Lago estate and at a golf club in New Jersey. And when I say “stashed,” I mean that they were haphazardly stored in bathrooms and on the stage of a ballroom. He really thought no one would notice? Trump allegedly ordered custodial staff to get rid of the documents before officials could find them, but obviously he didn’t do a very good job. And what was in those documents, you ask? Nothing important, just NUCLEAR WEAPONS PROGRAM SECRETS. Prosecutors claim that he even SHOWED THESE DOCUMENTS TO VISITORS, bragging about how he “could have declassified them” as President. His actions are in violation of the Espionage Act, which criminalizes unauthorized possession of national defense information, and conspiracy to obstruct justice. He has been charged with 37 felonies regarding this indictment.
Total number of charges: 112
Surely that has to be all of them, right? NO ONE could commit this much crime…
Oh, but Trump isn’t just anyone, and he has been accused of far worse.
Indictment #4: The January 6th Insurrection
The cherry on top. In the two months after Biden’s 2020 election win, Trump fired off a barrage of lies claiming that the election was fraudulent and “stolen.” In response, prosecutors charged him with only four counts. One of those counts pertains to Trump’s attempt to defraud the entire United States—they are basically charging him with committing a crime against 331.9 million people, the population of the country. That’s one big caper. Prosecutors argue that Trump’s lies were responsible for inflaming his base into mounting an attack on the U.S. Capitol building. An attack that caused the deaths of five people. No president has ever been accused of such an unprecedented act, and likely never will be again.
Total charges: 116
But guess what? There’s more! Let’s not forget the civil lawsuits!
Sexual Abuse and Defamation Lawsuits
Trump is currently appealing the verdict in a Manhattan trial, in which he was ordered to pay $5 million in damages to the writer E. Jean Carroll, whom he sexually abused and later defamed by lying about the abuse. Caroll has also filed a separate $10 million defamation lawsuit against Trump for ridiculing the verdict and insulting Caroll while appearing on CNN.
Total charges: 116 criminal, one civil, and one appeal.
But it doesn’t stop there!
Attorney General Lawsuit
The New York City attorney general Letitia James is out for blood against Trump, and has sued both him and the Trump Organization for fraud. If convicted, Trump will be forced to pay $250 million in damages. James claims that Trump lied about the value of his real estate assets and his total net worth for a full decade, allowing him to court better deals from lenders and insurers. The lawsuit also seeks to bar Trump, his two sons Donald Jr. and Eric, and the Trump organization from conducting business in New York State.
Total charges: 116 criminal, two civil, and one appeal.
If Trump were convicted on all counts, how long would spend in jail? Well over 641 years. Granted, it’s highly unlikely that Trump will be convicted on all counts, nor would a judge be likely to order such an absurdly long sentence. However, even if the 77-year-old former president were convicted of a fraction of these crimes, it’s highly likely that Trump would spend the rest of his life behind bars. And wouldn’t that be the sweetest news of all?
(featured image: Jeff Swensen, Getty Images)
