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What the &^%$ Is Mithril?

Can I get some?

You want to know what Mithril is? Oh man. Okay, so I definitely got fucked up on Mithril once.

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It was at a party last age at Moria, that Dwarf Frathouse. Lol I was so wasted I took my sword out, and since there were Orcs there, it started glowing blue, and I was swinging it around making these noises like whum, whum, krshttt cause it reminded me of this movie I saw. It was like if you took Middle Earth campus and put it in space. Shit was so wild. Mithril is definitely some Dwarf shit because I was so fucked up. Like those guys can DRINK, I don’t know how they do it. Why you want some? Aight lemme call my boy, Gimli, and see where he and his boys bought it.

Yo GIMLI! Sup bruh how’s your beard? Eyyyyy!!! I’m chillin’, vibin’. Listen my boy wants to know where you got that mithril shit. You know that shit I was really fucked up on last time I was at Moria? Wait, what that was Whiteclaw? LOL DUDE! Omg whaaaat. No way. NO WAY. Dude, that’s so embarrassing—omg, I’m trash. Wait then wtf is mithril? Oh word? Wait really? No fucking way. Lol, word, okay, I’ll talk to you later. Give all my love to the fam! Oh shit. Sorry man, I didn’t know. That’s heavy. Love you, bro. Call me anytime.

Shit. Alright, so I also didn’t know that all the Dwarves at Moria are dead now. Major bummer. But apparently, mithril is this shit you can make shirts out of? I was kinda confused. So I think it’s basically a rock or metal or some shit Dwarves got really good at digging out of the ground. It looks like silver, which is fly. And apparently, it’s lighter than steel but also way tougher. Sounds hard AF. OH SHIT! That’s that shirt that kid Frodo wears to parties is! THAT’S MITHRIL. Omg sick. Damn, I’m tryna cop some. mithril shirt. mithril pants. mithril shoes. My guy, can I get a mithril tracksuit? Bro I wish. Apparently, it’s super rare now because dwarves dug “too greedily and deep” and woke up the Balrogs who are totally not fashion conscious and are total narcs. Like just because YOU GUYS don’t wear clothes doesn’t mean that we can’t make some fly-ass fits am I right?

The Rings of Power Mithril Retcon Explained

Gimli’s calling me back … YO Gimster! To what do I oweth the pleasure of your – wait what? Bro seriously? Why the fuck would they do you like that? Do us like that!? They RETCONNED it!? SO WTF IS MITHRIL NOW?

…you’re kidding.

Bro… I gotta tell the squad… Peace


Alright so get this, apparently like a couple of ages okay this Elf and this Balrog were duking it out in the Misty Mountain over a tree. Yeah bro, a tree. But not just any tree. Apparently this tree hid the last of the motherfuckin’ SIMARILS. What’s a Simaril? BRO IT’S A JEWEL MADE OF PURE LIGHT. THE FLYEST DRIP IN EXISTENCE. And there are only three of them, so no wonder these dudes were beefing over it. Alright so to protect the tree, the Elf channeled of his light into it. Meanwhile, the Balrog channelled of his hate, literally his entire hater being into this tree to destroy it. Then LIGHTNING struck the tree. BOOM. AND A NEW POWER WAS FORMED. The King of Elves said that this power was “pure as light and good” and “strong and unyielding as evil.” Sick. So this power dripped down from the tree’s roots into the mountain itself and became mithril. Isn’t that the craziest shit you’ve EVER HEARD?

Still sucks that the Balrogs got most of it though. I don’t even get why they would want it. Like those dudes are all evil, so why would they get mad the dwarves for digging up something that’s half good? Maybe they just want it in the way people want to wear Supreme? Everyone else is wearing it, so they want it too?

Whatever man, imma go to Balrog House with my sword and demand the fit. Don’t care if I gotta die for it. Bury me in my mithril chains.

(featured image: Amazon)

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Jack Doyle
Jack Doyle (they/them) is actually nine choirs of biblically accurate angels in crammed into one pair of $10 overalls. They have been writing articles for nerds on the internet for less than a year now. They really like anime. Like... REALLY like it. Like you know those annoying little kids that will only eat hotdogs and chicken fingers? They're like that... but with anime. It's starting to get sad.

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