Well, Ted Cruz might have done it. He found truly the most absurd thing to attempt to wage a culture war over, this week at least: speculative updated Federal guidelines around drinking alcohol to align with our neighbors up north. No, not the snow goblins who control the ice treasure—Canada. Per Yahoo! News:
The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism is usually not part of the nation’s seemingly endless culture wars. But that changed earlier this month, when the federal agency’s director, George Koob, said that the United States could, in the future, adapt Canada’s new drinking guidelines, which stipulate that adults should restrict themselves to only two drinks per week.
So, naturally, this has the conservatives in a tizzy that the Biden Administration is coming to pry the third beer out of their cold dead hands. Just not Bud Light, OK?! Apparently, conservatives are still big mad at them over nothing.
Since this is an opportunity for attention, obviously, Ted Cruz has taken to the media to awkwardly proclaim himself pro-binge drinking with all the gusto of a college frat boy who just learned how to do his first keg stand. This is, of course, after last week, when he took to the news to scream about Donald Trump facing a trial for all of his alleged crimes. Gee, it sure does seem like he just wants to be on TV, doesn’t it?!
See for yourself in this clip from Newsmax:
So much going on. Ted Cruz screaming about some entity trying to take away ceiling fans and not explaining himself. Ted Cruz declaring Texas is hot! Ted Cruz awkwardly trying to open his beer without breaking eye contact with the camera. Ted Cruz and the Newsmax host both clumsily and desperately trying to tie their fragile notion of masculinity to drinking alcoholic beer. The Newsmax host too readily having the explanation that he’s not allowed to drink alcohol on camera, as if it was rule specifically made up for him after an incident.
There’s also Ted Cruz’s non sequitur about Bud Light doing “damage to itself.” (Side note: Damage how? I’m pretty sure having bragging rights about being the only beer guaranteed not to be enjoyed by Ted Cruz is a positive selling point?) Ted Cruz telling the world they can kiss his ass if they want him to drink 2 beers or less a week. (Ted, I am confident literally no one cares if you drink more than two beers a week because no one cares about you, period.) Ted Cruz repeating the word “Shiner” three times in about 10 seconds as if it were a dare. Ted Cruz declaring he’s not drinking alcohol-free beer on camera, as if it’s an accomplishment? My dude, you are 52 years old, not 12. There’s no need to brag about that, especially on television!
Here is my favorite thing about all of this: Since when have the conservatives ever cared about government guidelines? Weren’t they out there licking doorknobs and coughing into each other’s mouths during COVID when the government dared to tell everyone: “Hey, maybe you should wear a mask over your mouth and nose”!?
Who cares what the government guidelines are? It’s not like “they” are going to come and slap the third drink of the week out of your hand and arrest you. It’s merely a guideline to let a layperson know what’s considered healthy and what’s not based on scientific evidence, just like they didn’t burst into your kitchen in the middle of the night and forcibly remove your gas stove. The whole thing is a nonstarter. You know what else the government gives guidelines on? Basically everything.
However, that gives me an idea: Someone tell Ted Cruz that the FDA has said 3 servings or less of canned tuna is what’s healthy in a week for vulnerable groups, so we can see him compulsively stuffing dozens of tuna sandwiches in his mouth on air while screaming about personal freedoms and his god-given right to consume unhealthy amounts of mercury as an American.
I don’t know about you, but I think that would be hilarious.
(featured images: ELEVATE/Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images and Photoshop)
