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So Here’s An Interesting Thing About NASA Spacesuits And Penis Sleeve Sizes

You're already an astronaut. No one cares how big it is. You already win.

MAG

Everyone knows the male ego is fragile, especially when it comes to the size of their Cyclops. You know, their Sonic Screwdriver. Earthworm Jim. Whatever you call it, this rule applies to all guys; especially, apparently, to NASA astronauts, who were so concerned about the size of their Bilbo Bagginses that their own spacesuits suffered.

Because it’s kind of tough to pee when you’re in space, NASA astronauts are fitted with Maximum Absorbency Garments (read: diapers) which handle all the dirty business of being a human while you’re busy being an astronaut. During the Apollo and Gemini-era of space-travel, Number One was disposed of by fitting astronauts’ Mjölnirs with a perforated condom attached to a bag. Unfortunately, the condom sizing (“Small,” “Medium,” and “Large”) ended up being a bit of an issue when no astronaut would ever pick Small for their Guybrush Threepwood, and the MAG bags ended up constantly slipping off.

So, naturally, NASA had to rename their MAG sizes “Extra-Large,” “Immense,” and “Heroic” or “Large,” “Gigantic,” and “Humongous” depending on which account you believe. Seriously.

In case you were wondering, other penis euphemisms I didn’t have space to use within the scope of this article included The Kraken, Crash Bandicoot, The Hulk, Darth Vader, Godzilla, Iron Man, Optimus Prime, The Thing, Master Chief, Doc Ock, Wario, Donkey Kong, and The Danger Room. Please feel free to share your additions in the comments.

(via Moon Machines, image via Joachim Baptist)

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Sam Maggs is a writer and televisioner, currently hailing from the Kingdom of the North (Toronto). Her first book, THE FANGIRL'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY will be out soon from Quirk Books. Sam’s parents saw Star Wars: A New Hope 24 times when it first came out, so none of this is really her fault.