Earlier this week, Alex Jones, the rightwing conspiracy theory peddler with little interest in facts or reality, tweeted out a link to a video in which he claimed to expose the Democrats’ plan to launch a new Civil War this Independence Day.
BREAKING: Democrats Plan To Launch Civil War On July 4th https://t.co/38AWiUFaag
— Alex Jones (@RealAlexJones) July 1, 2018
Which, obviously, left Democrats wondering …
Goddamnit which one of you blabbermouth barbies got drunk and ran your mouth. https://t.co/czqEn28z2Q
— TK (@TKhatesyou) July 2, 2018
There are a lot of details to work out, like what exactly a leftist-organized secret surprise war looks like. Is this a Purge-type free-for-all scenario? How many avocado toast cannons can we build by morning and how exactly does one weaponize a desire free health care?
REMINDER: We are carpooling to the civil war tomorrow. NO SINGLE DRIVERS. Honestly, if we can’t wage war AND conserve energy, who even are we.
Oh, and Sandy can’t bring brownies, someone else will have to step up. NO NUTS, please. https://t.co/UwKymYXiXs
— John Scalzi (@scalzi) July 3, 2018
Obviously, Jones’ dog-whistley comments are rooted in xenophobia and racism. (The country’s attention has been on the injustices facing immigrants and asylum seekers like never before, and that’s when Alex Jones gets worried about a race civil war? Subtle.) But Jones as a human is too ridiculous to take seriously. So we’re not. Instead, the internet is having a super fun time imagining the plight of these imagined soldiers via the hashtag #SecondCivilWarLetters. Told in the style of 19th Century letters from soldiers to their loved ones back home, the kind you’d hear read aloud in a Ken Burns documentary, they describe the horrors of Alex Jones’ imaginary battle.
My beloved Harriet —
I write to you with a heavy heart. I was gravely memed during a skirmish with a squad of Incel Irregulars. Doc Tibbens says there’s nothing for it — he will have to amputate my Twitter feed.
Womp womp — Jed. #SecondCivilWarLetters
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) July 3, 2018
Dearest mother,
We have taken control of the Chick-fil-a but I fear those Trumpsters have taken one of our Starbucks. We march at dawn for ice lattes and freedom.#secondcivilwarletters— Zakary Haines (@Attack_Zak17) July 3, 2018
Dearest Emma
Colonel Hannity’s red hats ambushed us at the Galleria yesterday. Many brave men were lost. We are down to our last wedge of Brie and the Chardonnay is dangerously close to room temperature. Remember: Tuesday is recycling . #SecondCivilWarLetters— A Fritz (@AnthonyFritz19) July 3, 2018
Dear Ma,
We destroyed them at the battle for HobbyLobby! Many of the MAGAits were stricken with dysentery from eating day-old Chick-Fil-A, needless to say the covfefe is piling up.
Send shovels & air freshener. #secondcivilwarletters— J Girl 💪🏽 (@jerseygirl85331) July 3, 2018
#secondcivilwarletters Dearest wife,
We were besieged on all sides with the dankest of memes from the 2nd Flying Pepe Battalion; however the siege lifted when the owner of a Thai/Mexican fusion restaurant denied service to Field Marshall Stephen Miller. Pls refill iTunes account— Craig Jordan Potter (@Cjpotter2112) July 3, 2018
Dearest wife,
At morning’s light, we engaged the MAGA horde. Many on our side spilled our Iced Vanilla Lattes as we pushed the red-capped KEK battalion with their misspelled signs back to the Chick-fil-A. I am running low on Kind bars. War is truly heck. #secondcivilwarletters
— PegasusX21 (@PegasusX21) July 3, 2018
My dearest:
A brief skirmish yesterday against the 24th Kek Company, 3rd Incel Batallion ended in a terrible slaughter, though their commander sent a Gab post warning us that he had studied the blade. The field is a horror of blooded waifu pillows. #secondcivilwarletters
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 3, 2018
Dear Ma,
I have gone underground with a number of other women in order to detect the enemy who lives amongst us. We stand in a crowded place and express an opinion, and any man who stops and says, “Well, actually…” is shot on sight. #secondcivilwarletters
— Elizabeth Roderick (@LidsRodney) July 3, 2018
Dear Pa,
Rations are dwindling. Morale is low.
The Trump supporters we captured refused to share bathrooms with our trans troops.
We told them it was either that or they could piss in their own corn meal and eat it.
And they did. To “own the libs”.
— Charlotte Clymer🏳️🌈 (@cmclymer) July 3, 2018
(image: Ian Forsyth/Getty Images)
Want more stories like this? Become a subscriber and support the site!
—The Mary Sue has a strict comment policy that forbids, but is not limited to, personal insults toward anyone, hate speech, and trolling.—
