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You Can Make Samuel L. Jackson Say Whatever You Want!

There's a contest where the winner gets to have Samuel L. Jackson say whatever they want? We truly live in a golden age.

Sam Jackson

Getting Samuel L. Jackson to say something you’ve written would be a huge honor for anyone. That’s because every word out of his mouth turns to solid gold. Then that gold sprouts angel wings and flies into your ears. Jackson announced on Reddit yesterday that he would record whichever 300-word monologue gets the most upvotes on his thread. Reddit handled it about as well as you might expect, which is to say not well at all. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Here’s Jackson’s post in its entirety:

It’s simple, write 300 words and the most upvoted post I’ll read out loud in monologue form.

I’m doing this for one of my favorite non-profits, Alzheimer’s Society, as my family have been unfortunate enough to have been affected by the disease.

As a BONUS, I’m offering you all the chance to be flown to the UK for lunch with ME in return for just a tiny donation to this amazing cause. I’ll also sign a beloved Kangol hat and mail it to anyone that donates $200 or more!

Check it out at:

Let’s go muthaphukkas give me something interesting to say!!!!

Obligatory proof:

That is simple. You think of a 300-word thing you’d like to hear Samuel L. Jackson say, post it, and if the Reddit community likes it enough, you win. The best part? We all win! We’ll all get to hear 300 more words from Samuel L. Jackson. It’s not like anyone would use such an opportunity to simply spam the thread with nonsense. What’s that? That’s exactly what happened? Come on, Internet.

Once 4Chan heard about the contest, they swarmed the thread with gibberish, because that’s sort of their thing. A Reddit moderator explained in the comments of Jackson’s thread:

Here’s what occurred: Within a few minutes of the posting of this thread, the internet forum 4Chan got wind of it and began a campaign to hijack this thread with the NavySeals copypasta, encouraging people to get accounts, upvote one comment and downvote the others.

Here’s the thing though, Reddit moderator. A recording of Samuel L. Jackson reading Navy Seals copypasta would actually be pretty awesome. The problem likely had more to do with the volume of nonsensical posts than it did with the posts themselves. A quick look at the thread shows an awful lot of deleted comments. They kept the “official” Navy Seals comment, and it’s currently in second place.

The front runner in the contest at the time of this writing is a post submitted by user teaguechrystie, and it’s a message they’d like Jackson to record so it can be used as an alarm clock. It would have Jackson encouraging the listener to get out of bed. Here’s a highlight:

Beautiful things can be done in a day, god damn it. Tell someone you love them. Make art. Get into trouble, for fuck’s sake, hurt yourself, make someone happy, get laid. Quit your job, or destroy your job – whichever one it is you want to do, it starts with you rolling out of bed right now. And brush your teeth, god damn it, your breath smells like ass.

I can get behind waking up to that every morning. You can read the full entry here.

The contest ends tonight, so if you have something you want Samuel L. Jackson to say, you better get it up on Reddit now. It’s going to be hard to top the alarm clock one, but that hasn’t stopped comedian Eugene Mirman from trying. He’s been encouraging his Twitter followers to upvote his entry, but at the moment it’s about 900 points behind the leader.

It’s pretty bananas if you want to give it a read. It’s also not safe for work, and I say that as compared to the rest of the quotes in this article. Take a look.

(via Reddit, image via Twitter)

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Glen is a comedian, writer, husband, and father. He won his third-grade science fair and is a former preschool science teacher, which is a real job.