The Most Unhinged Party In America Was Outside The NYC Courthouse Yesterday
Trump was arrested. Excuse me while I pop some champagne.
Sorry, cork hit the keyboard. But me and Twitter spent ALL DAY yesterday going buck-wild and fancy-free over the news.
Like every other rich white-collar criminal in Manhattan, Trump was taken down to the courthouse in order to be arraigned. And boy was it arraigning hard. Trump was indicted on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records. That’s a lot of crime. That’s so much crime, in fact, that should Trump be convicted on each count and given the maximum sentence, he would go to jail for 136 years. Now if this thing ends up going to trial it’s unlikely that Trump will be convicted on every count, but he will serve quite a bit of jail time if he is even convicted of half of them. (Let us dream.) Now I’m no mathematician, but I do believe that half of 136 is 68, nearly as many years as the 76 year old former president has had birthdays. I’m not saying that he’s 100% going to die in prison … I’d give it more like a 70%. I’ll take a C on that test.
While everyone left of center is currently engaging in a chaotic orgy of online (and perhaps in-person) celebration, certain unfortunates on the right were throwing their own party of sorts down at the NYC courthouse. The flotsam and jetsam of humanity came out to rant and rave against the perceived injustice that the former president is facing, leaving the rest of the world with the injustice of having to watch them do it.
Act 1: A Confused Mob
In addition to those gathered to celebrate in person, there were plenty of right-wing goblins and ghouls haunting the steps of New York City’s courthouse yesterday, they didn’t quite seem to agree on why exactly they were there. Trumpers were reportedly milling about like a gaggle of lost ducklings calling out just about every right-wing talking point they could think of. “What about Hunter Biden?” was a popular less-than-salient point raised by the unfortunate mob. When no one seemed interested in dignifying that question with a response, they began shouting out “there are only two genders!” in what can only be described as a pathetic lost-ducky attempt to be certain of something. Or perhaps it was call for mom? Well, fortunately for them, mom came.
Majorie Taylor Greene Rears Her Ugly Head
Yes! The mother duck of all those batshit crazy little duckings came after all! It’s her responsibility, of course, she’s the one feeding them—with nonsensical ideas! Greene swooped down from the heavens (or out of a very expensive Uber?) and tried to gather up all her Trumpy babies under her wing. It didn’t go as planned. She was there for all but 10 minutes when a group of counterprotesters swarmed around her and blocked out her cries to her children. She fled the scene, abandoning her hapless babies in the process. She then reportedly said that the crowd was “commit[ing] assault” against her by “making loud noises”. Oh Majorie, if making irritating sounds is a crime, you’re guilty of more felonies than Donald Trump every time you open your mouth.
Look out! Someone’s sad uncle appears!
Quick! Throw a Pokeball at him! It would probably improve his living situation if he lived inside one rather than whatever depressing Staten Island shack he crawled out of! One man came equipped with two signs, one depicting a rather adorable picture of a pig, while the other had literal noose scotch taped to it. It would be scary if the noose wasn’t gnome sized.
While most accounts describe crowds of counter-protesters and even the press itself outnumbering Trump supporters, that guy was far from the only obsessed Trumper taking the opportunity to rant to the media they so despise. I’m telling you, this whole scene got weird.
But some good things happened too!
An adorable gay couple got married at the courthouse at the same time as the right-wingers were raising a stink. Just look at this instantly iconic wedding photo:
And another one!
Yesterday was a wild ride from start to finish. And it’s not even actually finished, not even close.
(featured image: Drew Angerer/Getty Images)
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