Trump’s big announcement today was better than anyone could have hoped for. Did he choose a running mate? Did he announce a policy platform? Of course not! He released a series of NFT trading cards featuring his own face! Now you can pay 99 bucks to have a digital photoshopped picture of Trump riding an elephant or preparing to shoot a dog!
We’ve already done a list ranking the … Best? Worst? Worst/best? cards, plus a reworking of the Trump cards as a tarot deck, but here are some of my personal favorites. This list is totally fake completely real, just like Trump himself.
Black Swan ballerina
A lot of Trump’s trading cards seem to express what he wanted to be when he was five years old, like the sheriff, astronaut, and race car driver cards. What would kindergarten wish fulfillment be, though, without a ballerina? In this card, Trump has made that dream come true. Going with Natalie Portman’s Black Swan, from the movie of the same name, is an interesting choice, though.
A clown
I love this! It’s straightforward and to the point. This card depicts Trump in a clown costume, with a red rubber nose, oversized shoes, and a barrel attached to suspenders instead of actually clothes. It’s like Trump’s entire career distilled into one image. Genius.
Pinhead
Yeesh. I mean, I love how hard he went with this one. And it’s so unexpected! I’ll admit I yelped when I first saw it, but I think it’s worth the 99 bucks. Plus, I know most of the cards are photoshopped, but … I have this nagging suspicion that the pins are real. Almost as if his trading cards are an exercise in flamboyant masochism.
Your in-laws
In this card, Trump has photoshopped his face over both your father-in-law and your mother-in-law. I think he was probably looking for a way to get himself on a card twice, and unsurprisingly, this one costs double.
The dick in the box from Lonely Island’s “Dick in a Box”
This card is, simply put, a masterpiece. Trump’s face photoshopped onto the head of the dick? Nestled at the bottom of that box? I love it.
Super Mario
I didn’t think anything could top the superhero wrestler card, but then I saw this one! It features Trump as Mario, hitting a block to get an extra life. But the extra life has already scooted away and is falling down into a pit. I love the symbolism!
A cactus
In this card, Trump has stuck his face on one of the arms of a cactus, like the ones from Looney Tunes. Maybe Trump is trying to convey that he’ll poke you if you come too near him. Or maybe he’s expressing an inner wish that he could live out his days sitting in the desert, storing precious water while placidly converting sunlight into sugars, and providing habitat for all the small creatures around him.
A black hole
This card features Trump’s face at the center of a black hole, slurping up all energy and matter that enters his orbit and then shredding it to atoms. It’s fitting.
Nietzsche’s abyss
Philosopher Frederick Nietzsche famously said that “if you gaze into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.” Yeah, this card is almost an exact copy of the black hole card, but many of the thousands of cards Trump released are almost identical anyway. Anyway, it has Trump’s face in the middle of another black hole. Sucking up everything that surrounds him. Distorting space and time. Gazing into us all.
The embodiment of existential despair
So … yeah, it’s another black hole card. I mean he really pumped these cards out without putting much effort into them at all, so why should we be surprised that so many of them are similar? I guess I’m just drawn to the black hole ones, almost as if Trump were a literal black hole. In fact, I can’t escape! Ha ha! Looks like I’m trapped in Trump’s world forever! Oh god, is this going to be the rest of my life? Will he outlive me? Why won’t he go away!? I just want him to leave us all alone and yet here I am looking at his trading cards what am I doing with my one precious life please make it stop oh god—
(featured image: Genaro ServĂn via Pexels.com)
