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Oh God Let’s Rank 15 of The Worst of These Horrible Donald Trump Trading Cards

trumpstands in front of an image of mt. rushmore, smiling vacuously

When in doubt, know that Donald Trump is going to do something so absolutely off the walls that you just sit and stare off into the distance and wonder what the hell is going on. Which is the case with these trading cards that depict Trump as … well, whatever he thinks of himself. It’s horrific and the stuff of nightmares.

Honestly, it was only a matter of time before Trump got into NFTs. NFTs are bad but Trump’s newly launched collection of “trading cards” is somehow so much worse than the usual problems that come with them. They are an ego-maniacs look into his life and what he thinks of himself. And yikes!

The limited edition NFT trading cards were announced on his Truth Social (lol). You can buy them for “only” $99 each (hahahaha or I guess whatever the bidding price ends up to be? Some are up to $3k) which means for a small fortune, you can own all of these horribly photoshopped cards. So let’s rank some of the ones we can see on the website because dear lord, all of us deserve better than this continued nightmare we’re living in with Trump and his nonsense.

15. Just his photoshopped face in a suit inspired by Lydia Tár

Donald Trump photoshopped to look like Lydia Tár
collecttrumpcards.com

The problem with so many of these is that I just want to write a bunch of question marks because why is this so bad?! They didn’t even try and fix his face or make his head match this, uh, creative take on his body.

I know it’s hard to fix Donald Trump’s face but this is just wild? And who did you use as a body double for inspiration for this because this doesn’t look like Donald Trump at any point in his life.

14. Donald golfing and being bad at it

Trump being bad at golf in NFT form
collecttrumpcards.com

We know that the Donald is bad at golf despite him spending much more time golfing than anything else during his four years in the White House. (Actually no it was a good thing he just kept spending taxpayers’ dollars to golf instead of ruining our country further). This NFT comes with a chance to win a trip to go golfing with Trump but you have to bring two of your closest friends.

Sorry (or congratulations) to that third friend who doesn’t make the cut.

13. Trump if he was the villain in Yellowstone

Trump if he was horrible dressed in Yellowstone
collecttrumpcards.com

There are a shocking amount of images of Donald Trump wearing a cowboy hat? Trump who was born and raised in New York City?! Like I don’t know I can go to the Jamaica Hospital right now and I’m sure on my journey there will not be a single cowboy hat that I see because this is a big city and not an episode of Yellowstone. I don’t know why he looks like a guy who would come to Montana to try and steal the Duttons’ ranch and yet, here we are.

12. Stock Market Don

Donald Trump if he was good at stocks
collecttrumpcards.com

WHAT IS THIS POSE? I don’t know about you guys but whenever I’m excited, I also look like I’m partying on the Jersey Shore and getting ready to fist pump. I think this is trying to say he’s good at stocks, which we know is false. Or maybe that he’s good at business? Also something we know to be false but hey, maybe now that he’s filed for bankruptcy multiple times, he’s on the up and up? Probably not.

But you too can own this NFT where it looks like someone photoshopped this to talk about the stock market in a powerpoint from 1998.

11. Donald Trump standing in a drained Upper New York Bay with the Statue of Liberty!?

Trump standing in a dried out Upper New York Bay with the Statue of Liberty
collecttrumpcards.com

Where is the Staten Island Ferry supposed to go now?! How am I supposed to live my Working Girl fantasies when Trump has drained the Upper New York Bay?! Does this image represent the “Swamp” he refers to because that’s not nice to the water between Manhattan and Staten Island. Staten Island isn’t that bad.

Did whatever AI stole this art think that there’s no water by the Statue of Liberty? And since when does the sky look like the American flag? I have a lot of questions about sunsets now.

10. Trump on an elephant?!

Trump riding an elephant to freedom
collecttrumpcards.com

Remember how Free Willy made an entire generation think we could just ride Killer Whales? That’s the energy this picture has.

9. Rocketman

Trump in space?!
collecttrumpcards.com

You too can take a trip to space and come back in time for Trump to look like he’s cosplaying Joe Biden and his aviators to hang out at Mar-A-Lago for a cocktail hour (and to for sure end up with COVID-19). I guess he’s going to space now? While the part of me that has loved space for as long as I can remember (and I do have an astronaut tattoo on my arm) would be mad if Donald Trump went to space before me, I would quickly get over it if he just ended up floating off into the abyss like George Clooney in Gravity.

Some of the NFTs have “fun” contests you can enter while destroying the environment because you’ve bought an NFT of a man who thinks that climate change isn’t real. Actually that all checks out with the kind of people who would buy these things.

8. Maybe a wrestler?!

I don't even know Trump
collecttrumpcards.com

I have so many questions about this one. Just a never-ending list of them. Like is he a wrestler but one with a gimmick? So is this the WWE or AEW? But then also there’s a boxing one of these so is he a boxer? And why is the belt just Trump Champion? Not the Heavy Weight Champion? Or anything to make it clear what this is supposed to be? Why does he have a cape!?

This is like a bad Rocky Balboa villain that no one liked. Honestly, I’d be really interested in this if it meant that Apollo Creed had to fight him for the number one title of Man Able To Wear the American Flag to Box.

7. Donald Trump strangling that dog

Trump killing a dog?
collecttrumpcards.com

That dog is for sure about to die right? That’s the energy of this image? Like there’s no way that dog survives this picture that is clearly illustrated and not real but that dog will somehow really die because it’s Donald Trump. For someone who very famously dodged the draft, it is funny how many of these NFTs show him in army gear or camo.

6. What if Donald Trump ruined the Hollywood sign

Hollywood Trump
collecttrumpcards.com

Again, this man was born and raised in New York. But I do love how small they still made his feet in this picture. I guess Trump World floats above the earth because he’s standing in the sky in a knockoff look from whatever western you love most. (I love Hell or High Water but no one in that movie dressed like this nonsense.) He’s standing in front of a sign that says Trump World but it’s supposed to be the “Hollywood” sign? I don’t know how that makes sense but then again, I have braincells so maybe that’s why it’s not working for me.

It’s so bad and baffling. Is he saying he’ll rule Hollywood? Is he saying that this is his world? What does this MEAN!?

5. Homelander Trump

Donald Trump as Homelander from the Boys
collecttrumpcards.com

When you think you’re posing as a cool hero but you’re just posing like Homelander from The Boys… Honestly, this one makes sense. Trump is Homelander because Homelander is a Nazi who loves breast milk. All of that checks out with what I think about Donald Trump so no real notes on this one. You can be Homelander, buddy. I’m sure he’d love that and feel honored.

4. NASCAR

Nascar Trump
collecttrumpcards.com

Okay now that signature was bad before but now has gotten so bad that I don’t even know how to explain it. That says Samuel Adams and you cannot convince me otherwise. And you can own Samuel Adams’ signature too if you buy this NFT of Donald Trump cosplaying as a NASCAR driver. Why? I don’t know man, why are you trying to find logic in these things?

3. Need for speed Trumpy

Donald Trump as a pilot.
collecttrumpcards.com

Tom Cruise did not come back years later and bring Val Kilmer with him to deal with Goose’s son for this to happen. Honestly, Maverick would be pissed that Trump went to space in a plane before him. I don’t know what this is and I’m not trying to think about it passed whatever they typed into the AI system was just “Cooler Top Gun: Maverick” not realizing that you can’t get cooler than a sequel being better than the original so many years later. (The website says there was an actual artist behind these images but I simply refuse to believe it.) You can tell this to Trump when you zoom with him and ask the questions “you’ve always wanted to ask” like “why?!”

2. This weird sheriff one

Sheriff Donald Trump in NFT form
collecttrumpcards.com

Did someone watch a Clint Eastwood movie and then an episode of Yellowstone and think they knew what was going on? Or what is this? What state is this in? What year is this? Why? Does anyone know what the reasoning behind this is? And what’s going on with his legs?? If you buy this weird ass sheriff NFT, you could maybe win a dinner in Miami hosted by Trump. I don’t know if that includes your airfare or what but if not, you spent $99 to own this weird ass picture.

1. It’s obviously the Superman one

Donald Trump thinking he's superman
collecttrumpcards.com

Oh come on. Of course it is the Superman pose because in what world would Trump and Superman be in the same sentence? Trump, who is one of the driving forces behind the rise of antisemitism in this country for his willingness to let hate speech run free, posing as the symbol of hope created by two Jewish comic book creators? Nah, I’m good. And much like my favorite heroes, Superman actually hates Nazis and doesn’t give them a platform like Trump does. So this image is beyond bad for multiple reasons, one being that Supes would FOR SURE take on Trump and win.

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Welcome to Hell, folks! It’s just a never-ending slideshow of these Donald Trump NFTs for all of eternity.

(image: SAUL LOEB/AFP via Getty Images)

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Resident Spider-Man expert, official Leslie Knope, actually Yelena Belova. Wanda Maximoff has never done anything wrong in her life. New York writer with a passion for all things nerdy. Yes, she has a Pedro Pascal podcast.