Men.
Sometimes you love them. Sometimes you hate them.
And sometimes, you’re just not in the mood for them at all. It happens. I love ice cream, you love ice cream, we all love ice cream, but if we all had to eat it for three meals a day, every day for 10 years we’d all get sick of it, right? I mean I’d be fine, but you’d get sick of it. Right?
That’s kind of how one might feel about seeing men’s faces. After all, on average one out of every two people is male. And we deal with how many people a day? That’s a lot of dudes! Some might say far too many! No judgement! For whatever reason, you don’t wanna hang with the boys. So here’s a list of films for those times when you don’t wanna look at the bros, not even the handsomest ones.
The Descent (2005)
We’re starting off high adrenaline out the gate with this one! The Descent is a horror movie about a group of women who go on a caving expedition and get trapped underground. They soon realize that they are not alone, as subterranean cave dwellers (with no sense of hygiene!) begin stalking them. On second thought, that sounds like some dudes I know. Speaking of dudes, there is a man briefly in the beginning of the movie, but he’s in a flashback so he doesn’t count.
Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019)
This film not only features solely ladies, but focuses on ladies who love other ladies! We love to see it! Portrait of a Lady on Fire is a queer period romance set in 18th century France, which follows a budding relationship between a young painter (Noémie Merlant) and her subject (Adèle Haenel). Expect lots of staring. Like so much staring. Yearning, burning, romantic staring.
Olivia (1951)
Yay more French lesbians! This film is about a young woman named Olivia who is sent off to a prestigious boarding school in France. Olivia slowly starts becoming obsessed with one of her female teachers (a recurring theme in all-girls boarding schools since time immemorial). Mind you, this film was made in 1951 so it was a groundbreaking portrayal of lesbian themes on the big screen. This film walked so Portrait of a Lady On Fire could smolder.
Suspiria (2018)
This film is a remake of the 1977 horror film of the same name, which is EQUALLY CHILLING but features some more prominent male characters so it gets the boot. Suspiria is about a young dancer (Dakota Johnson) who is sent away to attend an exclusive dance academy in Berlin. While she is there, she uncovers dark secrets about the school and its staff, led by the beguiling Madame Blanc (Tilda Swinton at her Swintoniest). Be warned, both this film and its predecessor are highly disturbing. However, the violence in these films is incredibly creative, some would say nightmarishly so.
Ammonite (2020)
So. Many. Lesbians. Ammonite follows a young woman (Saoirse Ronan) who is sent off to assist a paleontologist (Kate Winslet) in 19th century England. Naturally, a tender love blossoms between the two women. The film is based on real-life historical figures Mary Anning and Charlotte Murchison. I can’t imagine anything more romantic than digging around in the dirt for some dead animal rocks with the one you love. Seriously. Try to top that.
The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant (1972)
Okay, the sheer amount of lesbians on this list is getting out of hand. Rainer Werner Fassbinder’s film follows a fashion designer who falls in love with a young model. This film was made in the ’70s, so it was a groundbreaking portrayal of lesbian desire similar to Olivia decades before. It also may have one of the best titles of any movie on this list. Well, second best. Portrait of a Lady On Fire wins that award.
Steel Magnolias (1989)
This is a heartbreaking comedy about six small town women who gather at Truvy’s Beauty Salon in Chinquapin Parish, Louisiana. It follows the women’s experiences through the joys and hardships of life and their enduring friendships with one another. Much of the action is spurred on when Shelby (Julia Roberts), the daughter of M’Lynn Eatenton (Sally Field), decides to have a baby despite her diabetes. All in all, this film is about the power of love and friendship, and the ways an average person can make a monumental difference in the life of another. With an all-star cast that includes Dolly Parton, Olympia Dukakis, Daryl Hannah, and Shirley MacLaine, this film is a classic tearjerker of the highest degree.
Ladyworld (2018)
This film is about a group of girls who become trapped in a house after a cataclysmic earthquake. They try to keep their spirits high while awaiting rescue, but eventually tensions rise and they begin to turn on one another (it’s giving Yellowjackets without the plane crash). Some of the girls attempt to seize control of the group, while others resist. Eventually, they all begin to experience strange visions of a ninth girl who may or may not be responsible for their predicament. This film is a complex and thought provoking thriller about people who find out who they REALLY are when disaster strikes.
Cracks (2009)
Here’s another film which follows a group of girls at an all girls boarding school, this time in 1930s England. And obviously, it features lesbian yearning. A student named Di (Ted Lasso‘s Juno Temple) has the hots for her diving instructor Miss G (a smoldering Eva Green), but she is overshadowed by the charismatic Fiamma (Maria Valverde), a transfer student from Spain. Miss G soon becomes obsessed with Fiamma, and Fiamma establishes herself as a rival for Di. Intense queer drama ensues.
8 Women (2002)
This film is a musical comedy! So cute! François Ozon’s film centers on a wealthy 1950s family who are snowed in at their lavish country estate. The only male character in the film, the family’s patriarch, is found murdered in his bed at the beginning of the film. His wife, daughters, sister, mother in law, and even the maid become suspects in a murder investigation. How will they solve the crime? Through musical numbers of course! The cast features some of France’s top actresses, including Catherine Deneuve, Isabelle Huppert, and Ludivine Sagnier.
(Featured Image: Amazon Studios)
