Here’s the thing … Naruto is actually NOT a kids’ show. Despite its status as one of shonen anime’s Big Three, Naruto tackles some heavy stuff. The cyclical nature of violence. Hatred. Genocide. Human experimentation. COPIOUS amounts of body horror.
The shinobi world is many things, but above all, it is pretty damn grim. Despite the shining beacons of hope that are trying to make the world a better place, the ninja world is bogged down by some seriously evil villains.
And these are the worst of all.
10. Deidara
Unlike some of the shinobi on this list, Deidara’s intentions are anything but noble. This blonde-haired art school dropout’s sole goal is to create the ultimate artwork. Is it a beautiful painting to be enjoyed by future generations? A great novel to be taught to shinobi children in schools? A nice scrapbook? No, it’s some stupid Jeff Koons-looking animal sculptures made of C4 that explode and kill people, because according to Deidara, “True art is an explosion.” His murder tendencies, along with his freshman year art school student grasp of what makes art “true,” make him … just the worst guy to be around.
9. Pain
Like many of Naruto‘s greatest villains, Pain is a traumatized person who seeks to bring about world peace through nefarious means. In an effort to rid the world of suffering and conflict, Pain decides to try to hurt everyone so badly that they can never bring themselves to take up arms again. His plan to use Tailed Beasts as a form of nuclear deterrence is a shrewd and cruel one, and ultimately not in service of the ideals bestowed upon him by his master Jiraya (who he also killed). Despite his bad boy antics, he makes up for it by reviving everyone he killed in exchange for his own life. (Except for Jiraya. Oops.)
8. Obito
Obito Uchiha does some truly despicable things, but only because he desperately needs therapy. He started at as a cherub-faced little klutz, whose adorable features and nature were forever marred when he got crushed under a literal boulder defending his comrades. After that, he was revived and groomed for evil by big bad Madara Uchiha. Then, he watched his best friend kill the love of his life … and that was about all the poor kid’s psyche could take. He goes along with Madara’s plan to bring about world peace through world hypnosis, and when you consider what this kid went through, I’m surprised he didn’t turn out worse.
7. Madara
Madara Uchiha is another traumatized war baby, but he also made some dick moves as an adult. Raised in the Warring States period, he saw all of his siblings die in battle, and then watched his clan slowly become subjugated under the Senju clan in the Hidden Leaf Village he helped create. But then he attacked the same village with the Nine Tails and later tried to bring about a coup that caused the near elimination of his clan. Then he wants to hypnotize the world to bring about world peace … at the expense of tens of thousands of shinobi and civilian lives. Noble intentions, but messed up means.
6. Kaguya
Kaguya Otsutsuki—Space Ninja Princess Extraordinaire—essentially wants the same thing that Madara does: world peace under the Infinite Tsukuyomi. However, she takes her evil a step further by wanting to rid the world of charka entirely, claiming that it is rightfully hers in the first place. In order to stop violence, she’s willing to dish out LOTS of it. Her methods are so alien and extreme that even Naruto Uzumaki—the show’s resident ninja therapist—is unable to empathize with her.
4. Kisame
Kisame is a cold blooded bastard, this much is true, but it was the actions of the Fourth Hokage that really screwed him up. As a young shinobi, the Fourth Hokage tasked him with the unseemly job of killing his comrades in order to cover up the secrets of the Hidden Mist. Kisame slowly grew more and more disturbed with each comrade he liquidated and joins the Akatsuki in an effort to rid the world of the lies and deceit that were responsible for putting him in a friend-killing position in the first place. His sole redeeming quality: rather than betray his comrades in the Akatuski to the shinobi of the Cloud and Leaf, he allowed himself to get eaten by his own sharks. That’s loyalty, to make up for a lifetime of betrayal.
5. Kakazu
Kakazu has caused far less death and destruction than many of the preceding shinobi on this list, but he earns a higher slot because his intentions are far more evil. All the guy cares about is collecting money and the still-beating hearts of shinobi. For what? Nothing but himself. Dude is a true sociopath—a Patrick Bateman type—who wants nothing more than to make his life easier by killing and taking from others. An all around nasty guy with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
3. Hidan
Hidan is a sick bastard dedicated to serving the dark desires of an evil god named Jashin. In exchange for immortality, Jashin demands constant blood sacrifice, and the murder-happy Hidan is thrilled to pay tribute. The worst part is that Hidan enjoys the suffering and pain he causes others, gleefully murdering Asuma-sensei of Team 10. I have a theory that Jashin doesn’t actually exist, and that Hidan simply made up a reason to kill as justification for his sick impulses.
2. Danzo
If it weren’t for Danzo’s semi noble “protect the Leaf at all costs” intentions, he would be THE WORST dude on this list. He is responsible for creating nearly every problem in the series. He ordered the massacre of the Uchiha clan. He kept a secret army of child soldiers trained to become emotionless by killing their comrades. He ripped out the eyes of the dead Uchiha and implanted them into his own body for power. He brainwashed Kabuto’s surrogate mother and then tricked her into attempting to kill him, leading to her death and his villain arc. The man’s actions would make even the CIA shudder.
1. Orochimaru and Kabuto
Despite causing less casualties than other shinobi on this list, Orochimaru and his subordinate Kabuto are easily the WORST the ninja world has to offer. Let’s start with Orochimaru. Sure, his parents died when he was a kid, but did that teach him empathy or compassion? No, it caused him to resort to Josef Mengele levels of human experimentation in order to discover forbidden jutsu that would allow him to cheat death.
He also groomed the traumatized war orphan Kabuto into going along with his sick “research.” And Kabuto? Pitiful backstory, absolutely tragic. War orphan. Surrogate mom died. Screwed over by Danzo. Adopted by Orochimaru at his lowest point. But did that create any feelings of empathy in the kid? No! It made him want to go along with Orochimaru’s gross research so he could turn himself into a freaky man/snake hybrid in order to flee from his childhood trauma. What these two should have invented was a Therapy Jutsu for themselves and each other.
(featured image: Pierrot)
