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Hogwarts Houses Are Over Now. Time To Go Back To Astrology! (Or ANYTHING ELSE)

harry potter is a leo meme

Welp. I know I’m not the first one to tell you this, but identifying yourself by your Hogwarts house is no longer cool. Thanks to unrelenting, escalating transphobia by Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling, calling yourself a Gryffindor (even when we all know you’re a Hufflepuff) is no longer a politically or socially neutral choice. Sure, it can be possible to separate fandoms and art from their creators, but we also should be considerate of supporting a person and media empire that directly hurts and endangers trans people.

But I have good news! There are all sorts of other categories you can use as shorthand to describe yourself. Your Avatar Nation. Your favorite Ninja Turtle. We can go back to the 90s where every woman was reduced to being one of four Sex and the City Characters or going even further back, and you can identify as a Golden Girl or Sailor Scout. But of course, nothing beats the stars.

That’s right, why bother with Hogwarts houses when astrology is RIGHT THERE?

Now, one would think that for many of these metrics, the conversion would be easy. Things like Avatar: The Last Airbender or Captain Planet are all based on the four elements (which are a big part of magick and astrology) and there are four Hogwarts houses. The four Hogwarts houses should—especially given that Harry Potter is all about magic—correspond to the elements, right? Well … maybe not, and that extends to sun signs too. It is, in short, a mess.

Let me explain. Firstly we could definitely say that Gryffindor corresponds to fire, because, sure, fire is all about bravery and even impulsiveness. And yeah, we could definitely call independent adventurous Saggitarius and bold, charismatic Leos Gryffindors. But Aries … well, Aries will cut a bitch who gets in her way and are a bit more “Slytherin” than their fire sign friends.

So, we’re okay on the element, but a bit iffy on the signs. Next. Ravenclaw is a bird, so air, right? Air is about intellect and wisdom and creativity. That works for revolutionary Aquarius (sounds like Luna) and smarty-pants Gemini maybe, though both aren’t quite serious enough for Ravenclaw, maybe? But that Libra sense of justice and fairness, that’s all Gryffindor. Whoops.

But where it really breaks down is with Slytherin and Hufflepuff.

Slytherin house is under a lake, its symbol is a snake so … is it water? That seems wrong since water is an element of love and emotion and nurturing, which are not necessarily Slytherin-y things. I guess you could make the case that water is the element of death but … it’s a stretch. And sure, sexy, dangerous Scorpio seems like an easy Slytherin fit but sensitive Pisces and sweet Cancer? Nope.

Would that leave Hufflepuff as earth? Well, Badgers live in the Earth and the element is about stability and consistency, but the earth is also about creation and abundance. Sure, you could see the typical, fussy Virgo as a ‘Puff. Maybe even creature comfort-loving Taurus. But as mentioned about, call a Capricorn a Hufflepuff at your peril.

What does this all mean? Well … mainly that JK Rowling was not very good at magic and the elements. This what you get when your categories break down into “heroes, nerds, bad guys, and everyone else.” It’s a dumb way to look at the world because most of us want to see ourselves as heroes, but we also are villains to some and “everyone else” to others. And we’re all nerds.

So yeah, there are ways to label yourself that are better than Hogwarts houses. It can be anything, really. As humans, we just like to have a shorthand for who we are, who we see ourselves as, and who we want to be. (And the folks that get pressed when people enjoy that can kiss my broomstick, by the way).

I’m a moon of Endor. Woodsy and adorable but don’t mess with me.

You can go with literally anything. You can do Myers-Briggs, which is just astology for business people. Favorite Disney Princess. Favorite pizza topping. And you can find correspondences from one thing to another. Use D&D classes or Tolkien races because if you’re a druid or a Hobbit you might also be an earth sign. (I just really like trees, okay?!).

Whatever you are, the most important thing is to remember that it’s an identity unique to you, and no one but you can decide what that means for you and how it plays out in your life. And as we’ve seen in so many ways, no one is less qualified to talk about identity than JK Rowling.

(Image: Warner Brother)

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Jessica Mason (she/her) is a writer based in Portland, Oregon with a focus on fandom, queer representation, and amazing women in film and television. She's a trained lawyer and opera singer as well as a mom and author.